Let's begin a learn-in on couple skills.
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Begin a learn-in on couple skills.
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 TomCuthbertson |
Begin a learn-in on couple skills. |
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Posts: 11 (03/31/08 06:37 PM) |
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DanCanepa |
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Posts: 9 (04/01/08 01:29 PM) |
TIPS ON CREATING A BETTER RELATIONSHIP BY YOURSELF.
(c) Steve Mensing There's much we can do to improve our relationships with our partners by working alone on ourselves. We can change our distorted beliefs, become more self-accepting, repattern our behavior, learn to accept our partners better, improve the atmosphere of our home, learn assertiveness, and learn to integrate/desensitize emotions. Making these kinds of changes on our own can have a profound and positive impact on ourselves, on our relationships, and our partners. *You learn how to accept yourself and not be critical of yourself or others. You feel good. You're less likely to distort what you partner says and in doing so you create less chance for conflict. A better atmosphere is created for your relationship to thrive and grow. See the Self-Acceptance Learn-in. *Learn to stand in your partner's shoes and look out through their eyes in learning to understand and accept their viewpoints. *You learn assertiveness and speak up for your preferences and needs. You set boundaries and raise the probability of getting what you prefer and need. *You learn to accept your partner and their shortcomings. You don't sweat the small stuff about your partner and you are not so easily annoyed by them or the things they do. You can imagine how this would impact on their mood and stress levels. *You learn to stand things and become more patient. You hang through difficult periods because you have good frustration tolerance and these periods are not so difficult because you don't suffer from "I can't stand it-itis." *You don't bring up difficulties and conflicts with your partner. (Unless it's really eating up your relationship, like they're having affairs, suffering from alcoholism or substance abuse, seldom coming home, they're walking screamfests, or some other big ticket item.) You learn to accept your partner's differences and view them as "facts of life", maybe even find novelty or interest in some of them. Instead of talking about difficulties and conflicts, you bring up stimulating subjects, suggest fun things to do together. Basically you crowd out the negative stuff with good and fun stuff. It's difficult to ramble on about how you dislike how your hubby parts his or her hair when you've got some good coversation going about something meaningful, stimulating, or pleasurable. The more good times and upbeat emotions you have, the more your relationship will be valued and enjoyed. *Learn to integrate/desensitize emotions that are intense, very uncomfortable, and attention grabbing. This will leave you in good mood and pleasant to be around. *Develop a great relationship with yourself. Learn not only to accept yourself (See our Self-Acceptance Learn-in), but to treat yourself in caring and loving ways. Do good things for yourself. *Speak from your heart to your partner's heart. Let them know your passion for them. Making love can make your relationship pleasureable and can be a deep passionate expression of how you feel toward your significant other. *If you tend to be hungry or needy because of feeling lonely or empty, allow yourself to feel your aloneness and emptiness. Feel your aloneness and emptiness into integration. Steadily feeling your aloneness and emptiness not only heals it, it eventually brings us to the well-springs of our essential self. Never avoid or run from aloneness and emptiness. Feel them to integration. *Learn to forgive and drop your resentments. Notice how that effects your inneractions with your loved one. See our Forgiveness Exercise. If they make mistakes, be willing to forgive. Human beings are fallible and make errors. See mistakes as part of learning. *Many difficulties can be solved on your own and put to rest by your own actions. You needn't involve your partner. *Alter your moods by activities, changing your beliefs, and integrating feelings. When you're in a good mood this creates a better atmosphere in your relationship. *To enjoy your partner more make an inventory of all their positive qualities. Pay attention to the good stuff. Compliment it. It seems to grow with cultivation. *What vitally absorbs you, feels pleasurable, and is meaningful and important? You can do more of those activities by yourself or with friends. You don't have to rely on your partner for fun times unless they want to come along. *Notice if there are any actions you're doing that are adversely effecting your relationship? Can you alter those actions? See the Pattern Tree and the Habit Cracker. *How do I make myself angry, anxious, depressed, guilty, ashamed, jealous, happy. What are my evaluations that make these emotions? Can these situations be viewed in another way? I can learn all about distorted thinking, be able to spot it, and change it. See our Tips on Distorted Thinking. *What can I do instead of criticizing or advising my partner? What can I do for myself? *Be prepared to set a daily time aside to have quality times with your partner. Find fun things to do together like conversation, making love, going out to dinner, plays, concerts, movies, hanging out with friends, parties, exercising together, reading together, or whatever turns you on. This quality time together is a pleasurable or relaxing time together that makes relationships worth having. *Be wary of trying to fix your partner as this can cause contention and make them feel unnaccepted and unloved. Anytime you think of fixing your partner let it be a reminder to practice better other-acceptance. Is that same quality worth repairing in yourself? *If you are ambivalent about your relationship or see-saw back and forth about being in a relationship, focus on the many good things a relationship offers in terms of intimacy, love, warmth, sharing, conversation, growth, and in particular the many good things your partner offers. *Practice restraint with your partner. Avoid saying things in the passion of the moment unless they're loving things. Count to 10 and bite your tongue before you say anything that will hurt and that you will later regret. Say something pleasant or appreciative instead. There's likely much to appreciate. *Sometimes choosing to act "as if" you were feeling loving and caring for your partner can do a world of good for a relationship. It can get the ball rolling and make them feel good. They might come back with something positive on their own or at least feel good about what you did. *Honor eachother's alone time for growth where you both can be in touch with your own feelings and thoughts. *Be commited to your relationship. Commitment to your relationship helps a great deal if the relationship falls into challenging times. This way you work together to bring love and warmth back into your relationship. Being uncommited and having a foot out the door is fear based and will likely make your relationship difficult should hard times comes your way. Love is not only warm, loving, and romantic feelings, it is the commitment to stick with it and bring love and warmth back even when you temporarily don't feel that way. If you have more positive emotional experiences over time than negative, the love will return. A loving formula exists that works to return loving and warm feelings: Spend quality time together, accept your differences, deliberately have more positive emotional experiences together than negative and your relationship will be loving and warm again. *Avoid sarcasm, eye rolling, and frowns when talking with your partner. Avoid threats, mocking, or any form of hostility or putdowns. Better to praise your partner and let them know what good things they do. Put your focus on what's right, rather than what's wrong. *Avoid disrespectful criticism. Stay away from blame and attack that focuses on your partner's personality or character. Calling them names or giving them negative labels is hurtful and damaging. Example: "You fool!". *Avoid defensiveness. You deflect or counterattack what your partner is saying. You make excuses, deny, or don't listen. Always hear what the other person is saying. You don't have to accept what you're partner's saying, but at least hear them through. Agree to disagree. *Stay away from contempt. This is criticism underscored by disgust or hostility. This is when someone is being sarcastic or rolling their eyes at what you say. Mocking, really bad name calling, bullying fit contempt. Instead find good things to note about your partner and say them. *Avoid stonewalling. The person withdraws from conversations and is inattentive. They may be impatiently tapping their foot or checking their watch. They offer no verbal or physical cues that they're affected by what they hear. You might as well be talking to a stonewall. Instead find ways to give your partner complete attention. *Partners reach out to make an emotional connection. When they do, acknowledge them. When a bid for emotional connection is heard and acknowledged with openness, then you two will feel closer to eachother. What drives a wedge between partners is either ignoring those bids for emotional connection or reacting with anger or hostility. *Develop listening and intimacy skills. Tips on those can be found in our tips section on the Process Page. *Show appreciation and gratitude as much as possible. Be willing to accept appreciation and gratitude too. *Develop the friendship side of your relationship. This is the bedrock of your relationship. Respect your partner and demonstrate affection and empathy. Pay close attention to what's happening in eachother's daily life. Make positive comments about your partner and recall the many good times you've had together. *Avoid third partying or triangulation. This is when you go and complain to others about your partner instead of talking directly to your partner. Not only is this taken as a sign of disloyalty, third partying weakens the partnership. Third parties often want to help the complainer and can make the other partner appear like an unchangeable negative label and that their relationship was hopeless. Better to talk with your partner. *Develop a healthy lifestyle. Exercise, sleep well, and eat a healthy balanced diet. *Depression and anxiety can be damaging to relationships. Depression and anxiety need to be worked through with self-help or with a therapist. Depression and anxiety can strongly distort how you view your partner. Depression's negative moods can profoundly magnify your partners negative qualities and distort your memories of a positive past. Anxiety, about getting close, can make the relationship uncomfortable and have you searching for what's "wrong" with it. *Know your core values and priorities and live from them. You'll be happier and this will benefit your relationship. *Let your partner know that you love and value them in your actions and speech. Make an inventory of their positive qualities and tell them about them when it's appropriate. Maybe let them know at least one a day. *Relaxation and humor. Spend some relaxing times together so you both feel comfortable and get to de-stress. The sharing of humor lightens the load through a nonserious view of life and makes for more pleasurable companionship. Learn to calm down and relax. Learn to take "time outs" and how to relax. (See our Embalmer relaxation exercise.) Relaxing helps block being flooded with high arousal. *If you suffer from love fear or relationship claustrophobia, spend time exposing yourself to this fear and desensitizing it or it will destroy your relationship. *If you suffer from extreme neediness or loveaholism, go to the feelings of loneliness and emptiness and expose yourself to them and desensitize them. If you don't desensitize your extreme neediness it will make your relationships challenging if not impossible. *Practice good will toward your partner. If I felt good feelings toward my partner I would do _______________ for them. Make an inventory of the good things you'd do and chose ones to go do. *Notice if you are having a conflict with your partner. How might that conflict be solved if you knew their viewpoint and empathized with it? How might it be resolved if you did not press for your point of view, but gave the conflict time to lose strength? You waited it out and put your attention on what was working in your relationship or elsewhere. Later when the conflict naturally resolves itself, note how it resolved itself. *What do you deeply enjoy doing that brings you meaning and pleasure? Fill up some of your free time or time by yourself to do activities that bring you meaning and pleasure. Take care, Steve |
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DanCanepa |
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Posts: 10 (04/01/08 01:33 PM) |
Repost-
TIPS ON HOW TO BUILD AN OUTSTANDING RELATIONSHIP. (c) Steve Mensing The following tips are based on the relationship research of marital therapist of John Gottman and on the insights of Solution-Oriented Therapy. *Be prepared to set a daily time aside to have quality times with your partner. Find fun things to do together like conversation, making love, going out to dinner, plays, concerts, movies, hanging out with friends, parties, exercising together, reading together, or whatever turns you on. This quality time together is a pleasurable or relaxing time together that makes relationships worth having. *Have a problem solving time, once a week or once every two weeks, where the focus is finding mutually agreeable solutions to any challenges you are having. Find a conflict resolution style that both of you are comfortable with. Avoid raised voices and arguments. Keep focused on finding solutions for these challenges or accepting them. Limit these problem solving times because they can create crummy feelings if overdone. Learn problem solving and conflict management skills. If things get hot--take a time out. Apologize for any outbursts. Sometimes couples do well to hold hands during these discussions and let eachother know that they care for and love eachother. *Be wary of trying to fix your partner as this can cause contention and make them feel unnaccepted and unloved. Anytime you attempt to fix your partner let it be a starting bell to practice better other-acceptance (Accept them with their foibles). Discover what changes you can make in your behavior, beliefs, or unintegrated intense and enduring emotions. *If you are ambivalent about your relationship or see-saw back and forth about being in a relationship, focus on the many good things a relationship offers and in particular the many good things your partner brings to the table. *Practice restraint with your partner. Avoid saying things in the passion of the moment unless they're loving things. Count to 10 and bite your tongue before you say anything that will hurt and that you will later regret. Say something pleasant or appreciative instead. There's likely much to appreciate. *Sometimes choosing to act "as if" you were feeling loving and caring for your partner can do a world of good for a relationship. It can get the ball rolling and make them feel good. They might come back with something positive on their own or at least feel good about what you did. *Avoid looking for fairness or a 50-50 split. Balance what you give with what you take in an imperfect way. *Spend time looking for things to appreciate about your partner. Avoid pickyness. *Be prepared to improve the relationship by acting on your own and working on those elements of yourself that might need growth. Let your partner do his/her own growth if they want that. *Both honor eachother's alone time for growth where you both can be in touch with your own feelings and thoughts. *Be commited to your relationship. Commitment to your relationship helps a great deal if the relationship falls into challenging times. This way you work together to bring love and warmth back into your relationship. Being uncommited and having a foot out the door is fear based and will likely make your relationship difficult should hard times comes your way. Love is not only warm, loving, and romantic feelings, it is the commitment to stick with it and bring love and warmth back even when you temporarily don't feel that way. If you have more positive emotional experiences over time than negative, the love will return. A loving formula exists that works to return loving and warm feelings: Spend quality time together, solve or accept your differences in a mutually agreeable way, deliberately have more positive emotional experiences together than negative and your relationship will be loving and warm again. *John Gottman concluded that it's not how much you fight, but how you conduct your fights and how you resolve your conflicts. Relationships that succeed are not relationships where nobody ever fights. Marriages succeed where couples find resolution in 3 specific ways: (1) VALIDATION. Here couples become skilled at communication and compromise. These folks experience as many conflicts as other couples, yet they work calmly toward compromise. These successful couples are good at validating eachothers viewpoints and opinions. They find truth in what the other says even though they may not agree. They learn to stand in the others shoes and see out through their eyes. True they try to persuade their mate to their point of view, but they are willing to compromise. These successful couples do not attempt to "win" conflicts. The couples aim at finding mutually agreeable solutions to their difficulties. (Win/win). They accept and may even enjoy and find excitement in their mate's differences. (2) VOLATILE. Successful volatile couples find some pleasure in lots of conflict and passionate fights. These folks are more likely to express strong positive and negative emotions. They laugh alot and are excellent yellers. However they fight as equals and enjoy resolving their splits. These relationships can be exciting and intimate. (3) CONFLICT-AVOIDING. Conflict-Avoiding Couples keep conflict at a minimum. They avoid fights (Which may be diminish the quality of their relationship and their intimacy in the long run) and hardly ever talk about their differences. They may be extremely anxious about discussing conflict and feel overwhelmed. Comfort making strategies need to be devised if they mix with other styles of conflict resolution. They are most apt to join with Validators and least likely to join with Volatiles. Conflict-avoiders tacitly agree that they disagree and let it go at that. Outsiders may view these folks as repressed. Conflict-avoiders accentuate the positive and accept the rest. They often lead separate lives and have secret emotional lives hidden from their mates. Affairs are most likely to happen to this group. Some successful couples will be a mix of the three basic styles. All of the above conflict patterns work because the folks feel good about their approaches to resolving disputes and find that more important than winning or losing. They also have 5 more positive interactions or more for every 1 negative interaction. *A number of important skills are useful in handling relationship conflicts. These skills are based on the marriage research of John Gottman. -Stay away from personal criticism and name calling as it hurts intimacy and trust. Instead make sure your partner knows you accept and love them if you mention a specific behavior you find unacceptable. -Soften your complaints or problem talk by being gentle and pointing out qualities you like about your partner. Avoid critizing your partner with name calling or negative labeling. -Avoid sarcasm, eye rolling, and frowns when talking with your partner. Avoid threats, mocking, or any form of hostility or putdowns. Better to praise your partner and let them know what good things they do. Put your focus on what's right, rather than what's wrong. -Keep away from defensiveness. Take responsibility for what you've said and done. Be willing to hear your partner out. Be open to accept influence and to influence. Keep away from calling your partner a "lecturer" or telling them they're "condecending". This is defensiveness and shutsdown conversations. You are not being diminished by persuasion--you can make points yourself about your point of view. Both stand in eachother's shoes and look out through eachother's eyes. Defensiveness also comes about by cross complaining or whining which is used to drown out what your partner is saying. -Avoid "always", or "never", or "forever". Instead use "frequently" or "sometimes". -Notice that longing for closeness is at the heart of many complaints. -Express and accept appreciation. -Be willing to repeat what's unclear. -Be prepared to de-escalate negative emotions during a difficult exchange. You may apologize, smile, give an affectionate gesture, hug, or lighten up with some humor. *John Gottman found that four basic behaviors damage close relationships. These 4 behaviors, which he calls the Four Horsemen, should be avoided. They are: -Disrespectful Criticism. Blame and attack that focuses on your partner's personality or character. Calling them names or giving them negative labels is hurtful and damaging. Example: "You idiot". Better to confine any complaints to specific behaviors your partner is doing. -Defensiveness. You deflect or counterattack what your partner is saying. You might call them a "lecturer" or tell them they are "patronizing" you. You make excuses, deny, or don't listen. Be open to persuasion and be willing to persuade when it's your turn. Always hear what the other person is saying. You don't have to accept what you're partner's saying, but at least hear them through. Agree to disagree. -Contempt. This is criticism underscored by disgust or hostility. This is when someone is being sarcastic or rolling their eyes at what you say. Mocking, really bad name calling, bullying fit contempt. Instead find good things to note about your partner and say them. -Stonewalling. The person withdraws from conversations and is inattentive. They may be impatiently tapping their foot or checking their watch. They offer no verbal or physical cues that they're affected by what they hear. You might as well be talking to a stonewall. Instead find ways to give your partner active attention. *Partners reach out to make an emotional connection. When they do, acknowledge them. When a bid for emotional connection is heard and acknolwedged with openness, then you two will feel closer to eachother. What drives a wedge between partners is either ignoring those bids for emotional connection or reacting with anger or hostility. *Develop listening and intimacy skills. Tips on those can be found in our tips section on the Process Page. *Show appreciation and gratitude as much as possible. Be willing to accept appreciation and gratitude too. *If your partner is very sensitive to criticism--keep away from it as much as possible. *Develop the friendship side of your relationship. This is the bedrock of your relationship. Respect your partner and demonstrate affection and empathy. Pay close attention to what's happening in eachother's daily life. Make positive comments about your partner and recall the many good times you've had together. *If they make mistakes, be willing to forgive. Human beings are fallible and make errors. See mistakes as part of learning. *Avoid third partying or triangulation. This when of you go and complain to others about your partner instead of talking directly to your partner. Not only is this taken as a sign of disloyalty, third partying weakens the partnership. Third parties often want to help the complainer and can make the other partner appear like an unchangeable negative label and that their relationship was hopeless. Better to talk with your partner. *Depression and anxiety can be damaging to relationships. Depression and anxiety need to be worked through with self-help or by consulting with a therapist. Depression and anxiety can strongly distort how you view your partner. Depression's negative moods can profoundly magnify your partners negative qualities and distort your memories of a positive past. Anxiety, about getting close, can make the relationship uncomfortable and have you searching for what's "wrong" with it. *Learning to accept yourself and your partner goes a long way in building a solid relationship. See our Self-Acceptance Learn-in. *A very important key to successful marriages that Gottman found is the 5 to 1 ratio of good interactions (5) to bad interactions (1). Marriages that succeeded required about 5 positive interactions for each negative one. When negative emotions outweighed the positive (Over a lengthy period of time), the marriage was headed for turbulent waters and likely divorce. Typical negative emotions arrive from Contempt, disrespectful criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, loneliness, and isolation. Anger, when it accompanies contempt, disrespectful criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, stonewalling, loneliness, and isolation, can amplify the negative experience. *Learn to calm down and relax. Learn to take "time outs" and how to relax. (See our Embalmer relaxation method or the Emo Yoga Nidra). Relaxing helps block being flooded with high arousal. *Praise, having fun together, and appreciation help overcome the 4 Horsemen. *Focus on what's right and positive in your relationship. *Validate what your partner is saying and find the truth in their viewpoint. Agree to disagree if the viewpoint is destructive to the relationship or is self-defeating, yet notice some truth in it. *Let your partner know that you love and value them in your actions and speech. *Never ignore difficulties and complaints. Discuss them and get to the specifics of behavior. Find mutually agreeable solutions for these challenges. Face conflicts once a week or once every two weeks (Whatever feels comfortable for you and your partner) and only for 90 minutes tops. Stay on topic. Keep notes of what happened. Resolution may take time. Acceptance of differences may happen instead in some areas. Don't do this conflict discussion too often as it sometimes creates bad feelings. *Make specific requests about behavior with a neutral tone. Focus on the behavior and not negatively on the person's character, personality, or personhood. *Avoid making broad negative judgments and using "always" and "nevers". Stay away from exaggeration. (See our Assertivness/Anger Learn-in). Avoid "You never help with the chores". Better say: "It would take a load off of me if you helped me with the chores." *Never join in defensiveness, disrespectful criticism, contempt, or stonewalling if your partner is doing it. Make sure mutual respect is part of any discussion and ask firmly that mutual respect should be the order of the day. *Cooperation between partners plays a key role in partners getting their desires met which leads to satisfaction and overall happiness. It's especially important in managing conflicts and finding mutually agreeable solutions. *Relaxation and humor. Couples better spend some relaxing times together so they feel comfortable and get to de-stress. The sharing of humor lightens the load through a nonserious view of life and makes for more pleasurable companionship. Have fun, Steve |
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JoJett99 |
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Posts: 2 (04/02/08 01:33 PM) |
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JoJett99 |
Re: Begin a learn-in on couple skills. | ||
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Posts: 3 (04/02/08 01:37 PM) |
Hi:
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JoJett99 |
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Posts: 4 (04/02/08 01:39 PM) |
Repost
THE RELATIONSHIP CHECK UP Relationships can be viewed as a collection of behaviors. If you have more behaviors that enrich a relationship and create warm and loving intimacy, the more likely the couple is going to enjoy their time together. The Relationship Check up is a basic gardening tool. If you notice any of the Relationship Check Up behaviors operating in your relationship you may want to weed them out and replace them with behaviors and skills which work better for your relationship. With each "weed" listed, an alternative positive behavior will be listed. (c) Steve Mensing ***WARNING: Folks with a history of mental illness, trauma, or panic are urged not to use this process without a counselor or therapist. If you decide to do this process you will agree to absolve the webmasters, their server, Emoclear.com, and Steve Mensing of any responsibility for the application or misapplication of this process. There is always in any emotional process the possibility that someone could experience some discomfort. So proceed with this warning.*** THE RELATIONSHIP CHECK UP. The Relationship Check up will list challenging behaviors first and positive alternative immediately afterwards. If a behavior is hurting your relationship, you might consider an alternative and practice it until it's the first choice and feels natural. Couples can review this sheet together or work alone to bring about alterations they desire. *JUDGING/PUT DOWNS. Judging and putdowns unravels intimacy and trust. There's no real place, in relationships, for negative global labels of partners. Alternative positive behavior: Accepting your partner and viewing them as multi-faceted. This behavior can be practiced in place of judging and putdowns until "other acceptance" feels natural and the first choice for a behavior. *MAKING NON-SPECIFIC REQUESTS. Making non-specific requests creates vagueness about what you want from your partner. Clearly and specifically describe what you want your partner to do. Alternative positive behavior: Ask specifically for what you want. "I want you to clean all your dishes right after you finish dinner and place them on the second shelf." *EXPECTING YOUR PARTNER TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT WITHOUT TELLING THEM. Expecting your partner to know what you want without telling them is passive and will invariably lead to frustration on both your parts. If you want something, ask for it and be specific. Alternative positive behavior: Tell your partner clearly and specifically what you want. *TEMPER TANTRUMS. Blowing up and having tantrums is very destructive to intimacy and closeness. If you're prone to tantrums, practice assertivness where you tell the other person what you want and need without being agressive, hostile, or blowing up. Alternative positive behavior: Act and speak assertively, letting the other person know clearly and specifically what you prefer. Practice assertiveness until it comes naturally. *AVOID NEVERING/FOREVERING. Avoid absolutistic descriptors like "It never happens." "It happens all the time." "This is going on forever." Alternative positive behavior: Consider using "frequently", "infrequently", "some of the time" etc. *ACTING DEFENSIVELY. When criticism is offered we shut it out by quickly becoming defensive. We don't hear what our partner is saying. This shuts down communication and closeness. Alternative positive behavior: We listen and remain receptive to what is being said. We listen and get at least a kernal of truth in what our partner is saying. We learn to get in their shoes and see from their perspective. This takes practice. *DEMANDING PROOFS OF LOVE FROM YOUR PARTNER. The habit of saying: "If you loved me or cared for me you would do _______________." This kind of proving puts your partner on a treadmill and is likely to create resentment and close down intimacy. Alternative positive behavior: Begin to notice all the ways your partner is actually demonstrating loving behavior. *GUILT TRIPPING. Deadly to relationships is making someone responsible for how you feel and act. Telling someone they "should've done" ________ and because they didn't they're no good." will be profoundly unmotivating for your partner and shut down closeness in a large way. Keep away from making someone responsible for your feelings, health, or behavior. Alternative positive behavior: If you have a complaint present it without downing the other person and keep it behavior specific. "I didn't like that you did _________." *BANG ON YOUR PARTNER'S HOT BUTTONS. If someone wants to damage closeness, a major way to accomplish it is to find a partner's weaknesses and shortcomings and harp on them. Especially damaging is picking on areas where your partner is liable to get angry. Knock their friends, relatives, what they do for a living, their aspirations and key values and you will guarantee them shutting down if they don't become angry with you. Alternative Positive Behaviors: Sincerely find things to compliment your partner about and notice the many good things they do. *EMOTIONALLY THREATEN AND BLACKMAIL YOUR PARTNER. Threaten to leave, divorce, or withhold something emotional unless you get your way. Threats and blackmail are deadly to intimacy and trust. Alternative positive behaviors: Be assertive and ask for what you want without the threats and blackmail. Only use ultimatums as a last ditch approach and do them if they get no response. *AVOID YOUR PARTNER AND SHUT THEM OUT WHEN THEY ARE ANGRY OR REPEATEDLY MAKING REQUESTS (NAGGING). Avoiding your partner through work, hobbies, and tv can undermine a relationship and lead your partner into believing you don't care. Alternative positive behaviors: Set time aside and listen to your partner. Don't agree to requests you don't mean to fulfill just to get them off your back. Let them know you don't like being nagged or blown up at. Both of you sit down and discuss how chores and the like can be pulled off without getting into a rope pull. *DEMANDS FOR CONSTANT ATTENTION AND WATCHING THE TAP. A large problem in relationships is when one of the partners is demanding attention and watching for how much they receive. Often times the one demanding attention and watching the tap misses or minimizes attention. The effect of dependency, tap watching, and "attention on demand" is the reverse. These behaviors will shut the partner's attention down. No one likes choicelessness and being forced to be attentive. Few people feel close to persons who are excessively needy. Alternative positive behaviors: Learn to accept yourself, give yourself attention, and treat yourself in caring and loving ways. *MICROMANAGING YOUR PARTNER AND RELATIONSHIP. Anxious micromanaging and controlling your partner and every aspect of your relationship will create distance with your partner. Assumptions and expectations welded to a lot of shoulds and musts can make a relationship drudgery for both the controller and the controlled. Positive alternative behavior: Learn how you can deal with your emotions through integration and processing and how you can make yourself feel okay through self-acceptance and treating yourself in a loving and caring manner. *MANIPULATING YOUR PARTNER. Manipulating your partner through coercion, intimidation, 3rd partying, past hurts ect. will pull the rug out from under emotional closeness and trust. Alternative positive behavior: Learn to assertively ask for what you want without manipulation. *PUTTING YOUR PARTNER ON THE DEFENSIVE WITH ACCUSATIONS. Accusations shut down intimacy and trust. They are especially damaging if they are tossed out indescriminantly to stir up a fight. Alternative Positive Behavior: Seek to build a bridge to your partner though spending quality time together and another time to resolve issues. *FAILURE TO KEEP PROMISES. This dammages trust an important part of maintaining intimacy. Alternative positive behaviors: Learn to fully commit to your promises. *A LACK OF ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, ACCEPTANCE, AND APPRECIATION. A lack of acknowledgement, acceptance, and appreciation will put folks out of contact. Alternative positive behaviors: Learn to acknowledge, accept, and appreciate your partner. *MAKING PHYSICAL INTIMACY A BARGAINING CHIP. Sometimes physical intimacy becomes a bargaining chip especailly when there is a power struggle. When people feel hurt or untrusting they back away. Aternative positive behavior: Enjoy physical intimacy and consciously put it off limits to being used as a bargaining chip. *IMPATIENT BEHAVIOR. Couples have to overcome excessive Low Frustration Tolerance and impatient behavior. Alternative positive behavior: Learn to stay with and stand activities. Practice integration and the I Stood It Exercise. *DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS PARTNERS. If one partner is depressed or anxious it can create a strain on the relationship. Alternative positive behavior: The depressed or anxious partner should consult with a therapist. *BLAME CASTING. Blaming is a major roadblock to an intimate connection and blocks finding solutions. Alternative positive behavior: Blame the universe for 12.5 seconds, then go for finding solutions. Have fun, Steve 
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JoJett99 |
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Posts: 5 (04/02/08 01:42 PM) |
Repost.
COUPLES WORD/PHRASE INTIMACY TEST. (c) Steve Mensing Technique for discovering how you feel about getting involved in an intimate relationship. Circle the words closest to how you feel about being intimate and loving with another person. Reviewing your answers will give you an overall sense of how you feel about getting close and forming intimate relationships. Do you prefer a warm and loving relationship or do you find relationships uninviting or scarey. Choose the word/phrase closest to how you feel at this moment. If you find relationships uninviting (More than 14 negative word circles) you might wish to explore any pain you associate with your birthright of love and closeness. This pain can be grist for integration and exposure. First words are positive and second words are negative. (1) Free or engulfing. (2) Secure or shakey (3) Fun or frightening. (4) Effortless or hard. (5) Trusting or distrusting. (6) Pleasant or unpleasant. (7) Plenty or never enough. (  Fullfilling or draining.
(9) Connected or disconnected. (10) Going to last or not going to last. (11) Enjoyable or depressing. (12) Calm or anxious. (13) Home like or alien. (14) Fresh air or suffocating. (15) Warm or chilly. (16) Aware or closed off. (17) Passionate or remote. (18) Connected & separate or connected & dependent. (19) Gaining or surrendering. (20) Enriching or draining. (21) Open or closed. (22) Inviting or uninviting. (23) In control or out of control. (24) Assertive or unassertive. (25) Hot or cold. (26) Attractive or repulsive. (27) Harmonious or contentious. (28) Inspiring or uninspiring. Have fun, Steve 
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GaryHoltzman |
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Posts: 26 (04/03/08 12:53 PM) |
EMOCLEAR POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY COUPLES EXERCISES.
***Warning: These exercises are not to be used by anyone with a history of mental illness, severe trauma, or panic. Those challenges are best handled with a therapist. You are only permitted to use these exercises if you agree to absolve Steve Mensing, the webmasters, Emoclear.com and the web host of any responsibility for the application or misapplication of this process. With any emotional exercise there is the possibility of discomfort.*** EMOCLEAR POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY COUPLES EXERCISES. The following couples exercises are based on Martin Seligman's Positive Psychology approach. Choose one exercise at a time and do it for two weeks before moving onto another exercise. Keep a record of your completed exercises and what happened in your lives and with your moods. Notice what good things took place during and after the exercises' completion. Record this information in a journal or log. (c) Steve Mensing EMOCLEAR POSITVE PSYCHOLOGY COUPLES EXERCISE I: Doing Pleasurable, Important, and Meaningful Activites together. Daily for two weeks do the following: (1) Choose a pleasurable activity to do together and do it to completion. Example: Playing games together, exercising together, dancing, attending movies, going out to dinner, doing something creative as a team, gardening together--whatever you both enjoy. (2) Choose an activity you both deem important or meaningful and do it to completion. Example: Balancing joint accounts, doing household chores, facing tough issues and working them through to mutual satisfaction, solving a problem together, or contributing to the betterment of the world around you. (3) Later in the day record what occured in your life during and at the conclusion of the activities. What were the activities effects on your mood? Notice what good things took place during and after the activities completion. Record what happened in a journal or log. (4) Notice how your choices and actions made these good, important, meaningful, and pleasurable activities happen. (5) Do 2 new pleasurable, meaningful, or important activities each day for two weeks before switching to another Emoclear Positive Psychology Couples Exercise. ********************************* EMOCLEAR POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY COUPLES EXERCISE II: Building Character. Based on Character Strengths (Peterson & Seligman, 2004). For two weeks pick two activities per day from the list below. Choose two new activities every day. Make sure the activities you both choose are mutually agreed upon. At the conclusion of the activities record what occured in both your lives during and at the conclusion of the activitities. What were the 2 activities effects on both of your moods? Notice what good things took place during and after the activities. Record what happened in a journal or log. The Activity List: 1. Do a joint creative activity like writing, art, craft making, inventing, or solving problems together. 2. Learn something entirely new for both of you that you both find either pleasurable or meaningful. 3. Follow your curiosity together in exploring something new. Maybe visiting a new place or examining new ideas and philosophies together. 4. Master a new skill or area of knowledge together. 5. Examine an issue or viewpoint from several different perspectives. Discuss it with your partner and try on different and expanded viewpoints. 6. Give a point of view to your partner. Have them give a point of view to you. Discuss it, find some truth in it, and discover it 's positive aspects. 7. Act with honesty. Each tell your partner the truth about a part of yourself you previously didn't accept. 8. Carry out an important goal together in the face of emotional blocks or opposition from others. 9. Act with courage in the face of fear or pain. You both may face different areas of fear or pain. 10. Both of you take up separate courses of action and take them to completion. Or take up an activity together until completion. 11. Experience energy and passion in going after a joint goal or vision you both agree upon. 12. Both of you do a good deed for someone else or a group. 13. Demonstrate your love and acceptance for eachother in a new way. 14. Become aware of your partner's emotions, intentions, and motives. Ask them if this is what they feel, intend, or are motivated by. 15. Both perform an important act for your community. 16. Treat eachother as you would care to be treated. Inquire first about how your partner would prefer to be treated under certain conditions. 17. Jointly organize and lead an important group activity. 18. Act with Self-control. Both of you choose to do something other than to behave in an impulsive manner. 19. Jointly or separately forgive another for some wrong they did. Or forgive eachother. 20. You and your partner act in a modest way. Let what both did speak for itself. 21. Both of you carefully arrive at a joint decision and hold off saying something you might later regret. 22. Both of you regulate your emotional responses and what you do. 23. Together take note of something beautiful or outstanding. 24. Both of you actively demonstrate appreciation and gratitude to eachother and others for good things that happen. 25. Jointly take up a spiritual discipline and practice it together. (Inner exploration, meditating ect.) 26. Together find something humorous and enjoy a good laugh. Tell stories and jokes that amuse eachother or others. 27. Expect good things to happen and together go about doing things that will get those good things to happen. 28. Both of you tune into your intuition and do what it prompts both of you to do. *********************************** EMOCLEAR POSITVE PSYCHOLOGY COUPLES EXERCISE III: ADMIRATION, FONDNESS, ACCEPTING INFLUENCE, COOPERATION, & CALMING. For two weeks pick two activities per day from the list below. Choose two new activities every day. Make sure the activities you both choose are mutually agreed upon. At the conclusion of the activities record what occured in both your lives during and at the conclusion of the activitities. What were the 2 activities effects on both of your moods? Notice what good things took place during and after the activities. Record what happened in a journal or log. 1. Together take 20 minutes to tell eachother about those things you most admire about eachother. Write each quality down. 2. Together take 20 minutes to recall fond memories of shared times together or picture a future together of shared times together. Write each memory or picture of the future down. 3. Take 20 minutes together to recall times you accepted influence from eachother and noticed a positive outcome from this influence. Write each recollection down and it's positive outcome. 4. Take 20 minutes together to recall times you cooperated together and noticed a positive outcome from this cooperation. Write each recollection of cooperation down and it's positive outcome. 5. Together take 20 minutes and recall times you soothed eachother or helped calm eachother down. What was that like in the end. Write each memory down and it's positive outcome. 6. Together take 20 minutes and recall times you practiced emotional restraint with eachother and didn't fly off the handle. 7. Together take 20 minutes to accept something about your partner you previously judged in a negative way. 8. Together take 20 minutes to consider what you wanted to change in your partner, then do some self-work instead on your behavior, thoughts, or feelings. 9. Together take 20 minutes to think about creating a pleasant atmosphere for both of you and then do what you need to do to create that pleasant atmosphere. ****************************** EMOCLEAR POSITVE PSYCHOLOGY COUPLES EXERCISE IV: APPRECIATION & GRATITUDE EXERCISE. Here's a reflection exercise for accessing appreciation and gratitude: This exercise is to be done together daily for two weeks. Both of you share your appreciation and gratitude to eachother first and then to others and "things". (1) GENTLY PINCH YOUR RIGHT NOSTRIL SHUT AND BREATHE FOR 12 INHALATIONS AND EXHALATIONS THROUGH YOUR LEFT NOSTRIL ONLY: Gently pinch your right nostril shut and breathe for 12 inhalations and exhalations through your left nostril only. When this is complete go to step (2). (2) PLACE YOUR RIGHT PALM ON YOUR HEARTBEAT REGION AND ACCESS THE FOLLOWING MEMORIES: Place your right palm on your heartbeat region and access at least two of the 4 styles of memories daily. Record how you felt during and after the memories. Record your moods. Do these appreciation and gratitude exercises every day for two weeks. Choose two of the following memories to work with daily: (A) Recall any acts of love or kindness directed toward you in the last 72 hours. These acts of love or kindness may have been done by friends, pets, family, coworkers, or strangers. Recall and feel how you felt at the time. Perhaps it was someone offering you a seat on public transportation, someone allowing you into the flow of traffic, a well prepared meal, or errands someone did. Recall them and allow your feelings of appreciation and gratitude to form. At the end of this exercise write a brief "thank you" letter or email to the family, friends, pets, coworkers or strangers. You need not send or deliver this letter or email. Express your appreciation and gratitude. (Share this with your partner.) (B) Recall emotional issues that appeared within the last 72 hours. What valuable messages did they supply? What good things might they have done for you on some level? Notice them and allow your feelings of appreciation and gratitude to form. At the end of this exercise write a brief "thank you" letter or email to your emotional issues. You need not send this letter or email. Express your appreciation and gratitude. (Share this with your partner) (C) Recall any of the acts of love and kindness that served you within the last few weeks, months, or years. Notice them and allow your feelings of appreciation and gratitude to form. At the end of this exercise write a brief "thank you" letter or email to those who provided acts of love or kindness. You need not send this letter or email. Express your appreciation and gratitude. (Share this with your partner) (D) Recall the wonderful gadgets and tools in your home. Some you may find invaluable to your day to day living. These might be faxes, computers, tv's, food processors, juicers, refrigerators, cars, and other such items. Notice how these things add to the quality of your life and to your enjoyment. Review all of the great chain of people who produced and distributed these gadgets and tools. Then allow yourself to appreciate and feel gratitude toward all those persons who brought these gadgets and tools into your home and made life more convenient and enjoyable. At the end of this exercise write a brief "thank you" letter or email to makers and creators of these wonderful gadgets. You need not send this letter or email. Express your appreciation and gratitude. (Share this with your partner) ********************************** EMOCLEAR POSITVE PSYCHOLOGY COUPLES EXERCISE V: AFFECTION, APPRECIATION, HUMOR & RESPECT. For two weeks pick two activities per day from the list below. Choose two new activities every day. Make sure the activities you both choose are mutually agreed upon. At the conclusion of the activities record what occured in both your lives during and at the conclusion of the activitities. What were the 2 activities effects on both of your moods? Notice what good things took place during and after the activities. Record what happened in a journal or log. 1. Together take 20 minutes to express affection in new and creative ways with eachother. Write each new expression of affection down after it's done. 2. Together take 20 minutes to recall humorous recollections about your life together or what was funny before you met eachother. Briefly jot down a brief outline of your humorous recollections. 3. Together take 20 minutes to express appreciation for things you've done for eachother. Write down what was appreciated. 4. Together take 20 minutes to express respect or to recall moments of respect for eachother. Write down what you respected. Have fun, Steve. |
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HannahMartz |
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Posts: 6 (04/03/08 10:28 PM) |
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TIPS ON PHYSICAL INTIMACY *It helps to have a partner who enjoys the same frequency of love making you do. If you and your partner differ in sexual frequency and neither of you have a dire need to have or to avoid sex, then tradeoffs can be made. *Men sometimes concern themselves about: (1) Having erections. (2) Their size. (3) Coming too quickly or not at all. (4) Being unmanly. (5) Getting rejected. (6) Being better than a fantasy. *Women sometimes worry about: (1) Number of orgasms. (2) Having "ultimate" orgasms. (3) Having orgasms at all. (4) Virginity. (5) What their partner thinks. (6) Being a sex object. (7) Getting turned-on. ( If their fantasies are okay. (9) About decreased sex drive. (10) If something is physically wrong.
(11) Asking for lovemaking. (12) About losing control. (13) Personal scent.
*Our sexual urges are controlled by our imagery, fantasies, and the impact of our hormones. *We can deeply love someone, be turned on by them, and be fully committed to them, yet still be attracted to others. However, we do not have to act on that attraction. *Avoid the ultimate orgasm trap. Ultimate orgasms, like perfection, are carrots before the donkey--chased, but seldom caught. The hunt for ultimate orgasms can destroy your pleasure and can lead to knocking yourself if you fail to get one. Some orgasms are stronger than others, yet you will be wasting your time by measuring your pleasure by perfection. Enjoy what you have. *Check your rules about sex. What is the origin of those shoulds & musts. Better to use prefers, wants, and desires. Processing and integrating beliefs can be helpful here. *Anxiety, anger, guilt, shame, depression, and impatience contribute to most sexual difficulties. These are grist for clearing and integration. *Sex is not isolated from the rest of your relationship. If you are having troubles elsewhere, look for those troubles to affect your sexual desire. *If you have persistent sexual difficulties such as a low sexual drive or a failure to get or maintain an erection, go to a physician specializing in sexual problems. Some sexual difficulties have a physiological basis. *Couples working on different schedules or going to sleep & getting up on different schedules may find their sex life out of sync. One may be tired or uninterested when the other is turned-on. This common challenge to career couples can be helped by altering schedules and setting special times aside. *You can worry yourself out of sexual pleasure by asking what if: (1) I can't get turned on. (2) My partner doesn't orgasm. (3) I come too soon. (4) I can't come. If these worries seem pervasive, see if they are covering other feelings. *Some folks say our brain is our largest sex organ. We learn to identify certain people, shapes, and objects as sexy. Our attitudes & evaluations make them attractive. Notice how other people differ about what body shape is most appealing. We learn how to make love, to give what we see and touch sexual meaning, and how to evaluate certain feelings as sexual. *Doing is more important than having a "masterful" sexual performance. When you concern yourself with being masterful, you can count on becoming a spectator and missing out on being absorbed in the pleasure. Sex is more fun when it's viewed as play and not work. *Performance anxiety can invade the bedroom. See the Protocol Lists for performance anxiety in the Learn-in section. *Having sexual fears does not make someone inadequate. *Is failing to have good sex really horrible? *Rating yourself by your sexual performance can be very unhelpful. *You are not responsible for your partner's sexual response. Understand your partner's desires & feelings without holding yourself accountable for them. Your partner's imagery, fantasies, and hormones form the basis of their sexual response. You can't enter their head and control their images & evaluations. *Let your partner clearly and specifically know your sexual desires. *What sexual acts do you believe indecent? What makes them indecent? *Sex can be a highly enjoyable experience that can be done in a wide variety of ways. *Sexual fantasies are fun and okay. *The entire body from head to toe can be a source of sexual arousal. Experiment. Try some creativity with the famous double column method: (a) Fingers Tongue Penis Mouth Lips Hand Vagina (b) Clitoris skin %$%* mouth nipples Penis breast vagina Place these columns side by side and make stimulating pairings. *Utilize the Relationship Remodelor on the Emoclear Process page. *If you have difficulty expressing your desires to your partner, you may want to examine your evaluations for unhelpful beliefs and practice bedroom assertiveness. See the Anger/Assertiveness Learn-In in the Learn-in Forums. *If you feel shameful about certain sexual activities and want to overcome these challenges--create a "shame attacking" exercise for it and use it. Use clearing or integration processes on the shame, then do the socalled shameful activities. *Impotence is an inconvenience and not a catastrophe. Failure to have an erection fails to prove you are not a man. Studies say most men become impotent at one time or another. Failure to get an erection will not halt your ability to get or give love. A fair number of men, because of injury, can utilize other parts of their bodies or use vibrators to satisfy their partners. Most impotence is caused by performance anxiety. See the Protocol Lists for performance anxiety in the Learn-in Forum. *Some women may be nonorgasmic because of biological reasons. If you can't achieve orgasm through masturbation, then get a checkup from a physician who specializes in sexual problems. *Men watch out for these unhelpful beliefs: (1) If I can't get an erection, then something's wrong with me. (2) If I get rejected, I'll always be rejected. (3) I'm worthless if I can't satisfy my partner or get an erection. (4) I must be great at sex before my partner would approve me. (5) I must have an erection. (6) Not getting an erection is a disaster. (7) It's my fault if my partner doesn't get turned-on. I'm totally responsible for my partner's sexual responses. ( It's awful if I orgasm too quickly. (9) It's horrible if I can't orgasm. (10) Being rejected after having sex
is an utter disaster. All of these beliefs and the feelings they create are grist for clearing and integration.
*Women--the following self-talk will take away from your sexual feelings: (1) Am I as good at this as others in his life? (2) Maybe I'm not doing this right? (3) Am I making too much noise or not enough? (4) Do I look like a dead flounder? (5) I shouldn't have to do "that". (6) I should not have to ask for "that". (7) I can only feel good when he's feeling good. ( Am I being exploited or only having seen as a sex object? (9) I
shouldn't have those kinds of fantasies. (10) Sex is totally sinful. (11) Is this the "right" time to make love? (12) I need at least 45 minutes
of foreplay...exactly. (13) I'd feel weird if I was not in control. (14) There's only one "correct" way to make love and that insensitive
brute isn't doing it. My partner should intuit my feelings. (15) Can he tell I'm a virgin? (16) I should be more experienced. (17) I can't show him
how I feel. (18) What if he rejects me? (19) If he doesn't call back I'll die a reject. (20) I should not enjoy love this way. (21) If I told him
I'd be pushy. (22) I must have multiple orgasms. If they don't happen, then something must be horribly wrong with me. (23) I wish he would hurry up and
get this over with. (24) I could never do "that" in front of him. (25) Do I have an odor?
*Partners often differ in tastes, sex drives, frequency preferences, and interest levels. Watch out for the idea you can't stand giving up your way. *Men: Difficulty with premature ejaculation (getting pleasure too soon)? Often it's caused by not recognizing the sensations prior to ejaculation either because you are very enthusiastic or you're focused on some negative emotion. To overcome this common challenge, learn to recognize preorgasmic feelings and how to lengthen your time of sexual excitement. Be aware of any anxiety or anger you're experiencing prior to ejaculation. Listen for unhelpful evaluations. Getting turned on can be paced by altering your fantasies. Even though it's preferable not to ejaculate too soon, no law commands that you must not. If your penile love-making fails to orgasm your partner, you can stimulate her with your fingers or other body parts. *You might enjoy mutual fondling with no thought of intercourse. Cutting down on performance anxiety, mutual fondling builds foreplay skills and is pleasurable in itself. *Some women may actually prefer finger manipulation more than penile-vaginal penetration. *If you think about not getting orgasms during lovemaking, you can almost guarantee not getting them. *Love & sex are not always closely related. It's possible to have great sex with someone you aren't crazy about and have poor sex with someone you deeply love. *The most common reasons why men fail to get erections are: (1) Alcohol & drugs. (2) Urologic problems. (3) Nervous system disorders. (4) Negative emotions. (5) Obesity. (6) Hypoglycemia. (7) Hormonal diseases. *Women find your erogenous zones through experimentation & let your partner know them. Tell your partner how much pressure to apply and where. Frequently the clitoris, the inner lips, and the region near the urethra are good areas to stimulate. *Erection problems may be psychological when: (1) You get erections with certain partners. (2) The problem comes and goes. (3) You wake up with an erection. (4) You have an erection during masturbation. *The most common fears blocking erection: (1) Making your partner pregnant. (2) That you lack sexual skill. (3) Getting disease. (4) Rejection. (5) Being controlled. (6) Unfavorable comparison. (7) That your partner won't be turned-on and that will prove you're not a man. ( That you act immorally.
*A good time to make love is when you're relaxed, rested, in no hurry, can focus on enjoyment, and feel close to your partner. Relaxation or a nap works wonders prior to making love. *Signs of female arousal: (1) Breathing deeper & louder. (2) Nipples erect and hard. (3) Breasts enlarge. (4) Vagina moistens. (5) Labia swells and becomes reddish or even purple. (6) The body often blushes. (7) Orgasm may result in spasms & tremors over the entire body. *Attentiveness, consideration, and kindness creates a good climate for love making. *If you don't want a sexual relationship--say no. You won't be a prude. *Men may find these methods useful if their partner has difficulty climaxing: (1) Stroke & touch her sensitive areas in a constant, forceful, & rhythmic way. (2) Ask what she enjoys. (3) Seek the most sensitive regions (generally the clitoris & vaginal walls). (4) Stroking & touching both the breasts & clitoris can be highly stimulating. (5) Let your partner know your warm feelings toward her. (6) Experiment with new positions & new ways of stimulation. (7) Deep penetration of the vagina may help. Face to face positions will facilitate deeper penetration. ( Make love when you and your partner
are relaxed & focused on love making. (9) Find out the kind of environment most likely to stimulate your partner. Special sheets? Candles? Music?
*Masturbation is not abnormal. According to sexual surveys most persons, even married ones, masturbate. Masturbation is a loving thing to do for yourself and has its share of pluses: (1) Feels good. (2) Generally leads to orgasm. (3) No performance demands. (4) If done privately, you won't be judged by another person. (5) No disease. (6) You can have positive fantasies. (7) You will likely feel uninhibited. ( No partner required. (9) You don't have to wait for
anyone. (10) You can move at your own pace.
*Men if you're having difficulty getting an erection--pay attention to turning your partner on. *Some organic reasons for women being blocked from achieving orgasm are: (1) Hormonal deficit. (2) Nutritional deficiency. (3) Fatigue. (4) Nervous system disease or injury. (5) Injured or non-functional sexual organs. (c) Steve Mensing Have fun, Steve |
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JulianKammerz |
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Posts: 25 (04/04/08 09:21 AM) |
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ASSERTIVENESS TIPS Assertiveness is basically the appropriate expression of desires and feelings. To understand assertiveness we better note the diference between agressive, assertive, and nonassertive behavior. Aggressive behavior is based on demands rather than preferences. It has that absolutistic odor about it. The behavior is hostile and frequently punitive. Assertive behavior is based on preferences and wants. Those, who are assertive, will ask for changes. Nonassertive behavior can be witnessed in shyness and indirect behavior. Most problems with assertiveness often come from anxious beliefs that block the expression of desires and feelings and our challenge with expressing ourselves either physically or with words. Here's some assertiveness tips: * Watch out for hostility and extreme demandingness in your requests. Even though assertiveness will boost your chances for getting your requests met, it is not a guarantee. *We can express our feelings and criticize. Because our behavior produces consequences, there may be instances when acting assertively may be unhelpful. * When we say "no" we better be decisive. We don't have to explain why we said no. We don't have to be apologetic. If it's appropriate, we may suggest an alternative solution. * Role playing with a friend can be useful. Hey you can do this on an instant messenger. * Ask for an explanation whenever you're requested to do something unreasonable. * Be brief and prompt with your replies. Look the other person in the eyes. Speak clearly. Don't hide your mouth. No slouching or shuffling your feet. * We are the most important persons in our world for no one else has our particular consciousness or feelings. Others would do well to see themselves in this manner for they are important to themselves. Yet we are not the centers of the universe. Expect other folks to be assertive with us. * When criticizing, criticize behavior. Don't down the other person or negatively label them. People often respond defensively to personal attacks. However some people will even be defensive if you point out their behavior. * Changes in behavior take practice and time. If you miss acting assertively, let go of knocking yourself. * Use "I" statements when telling others about their behavior. "You" statements tend to impact on folks in a way that the likelihood of defensiveness is spawned. * Know that you acted assertively even though you did not get what you wanted. * No matter how you feel--just go ahead and act assertively. The more you act assertively, the more you will feel like it. Most times action precedes a change in feelings. * Typical beliefs blocking assertiveness: "It's horrible to hurt someone's feelings." "I'm always too anxious to speak up." "If I asserted myself they wouldn't like me." "A woman never acts pushy." "Others can't stand being criticized." "I could not stand hurting anyone's feelings." "I don't want to be thought of badly." "Others must suffer our silence for what they said." "They should experience guilt." "It's hopeless to say anything--they'll never change." "The other person is insensitive and nasty." "I'm worthless." "Poor me--the innocent victim/martyr/saint." "I can't show any weakness or the other person will know they won." "Others should automatically know what I want. They should read my mind." *Don't waste your time trying to convince someone who does not want to be convinced. *Ask questions about a hostile person's criticisms. This makes a critic responsible for what they say. Example: "Do I always act this way? *Avoid apologizing for something over which you have no responsibility. * Learn to utilize calm periods. Let others know you are willing to talk after things have calmed. *Let others know how you feel without telling them off. * Admit a lack of understanding. * Be persuasive--give examples for your case. * Ask for assistance. * Watch out for demanding you always be assertive. * When we believe our desires and feelings are less important than other folks' desires and feelings, we act passively. * Assertiveness enables us to speak up, act in our best interests, get what we want without stepping on others, and be honest. * Remember that fairness, injustice, and right imply our way is the only right way and just way. When we demand fairness we set ourself up for challenges. Likely others don't share the same view of fairness nor must they. Do labor and management ever have the same view of what is fair and just? Hardly. * Give sincere compliments and be ready to accept them. *Initiate meeting others and making friends. * Clear beliefs and feelings that limit your free expression. * Speak postively of yourself to strangers. Notice some of your positive behaviors and traits. * Make a goal of expressing yourself to others a certain number of days. * In saying no, say no with a clear, firm, and unhesitant voice. Keep eye contact. * In refusing requests, review your values. Repeat back the other person's rquest so they know you understood them. Be brief and firm in your refusal. *Give compliments in terms of how you feel and believe. Let go of embroidering your compliments with absolutes or facts. Compliment something specific the person does. Example: I feel good about you cleaning my Luger collection. In taking a compliment, don't block a compliment given you. Thank the other person for their compliment. * In giving criticism, relax and provide criticism with "I" statments. Critcize behavior not the person. Be prepared to offer a suggested behavior change and show a willingness to compromise. Open your criticism with a positve statement. Close with a positive statement. Keep tone of voice firm. *When you experience criticism, let go of debate, defense, and attacking. Look for some grain of truth in the criticism. Ask clarifying questions: When, where, and what happened. Find a workable compromise. Take care, Steve |
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JamesDetweiler |
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Posts: 17 (04/07/08 05:40 AM) |
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TIPS ON EXPRESSING FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS Emotions and feelings can be expressed well when we do some of the following: *Using one or two words doesn't work well in expressing how we feel. It's a plus to be specific about how we feel. Saying one or two words like "I'm feeling LOUSY" Or "I'm feeling BAD" doesn't exactly show how we're feeling. One or two word feeling descriptions tend to be too general and unlcear. Better to use more specific emotional labels like: Angry, frustrated, irritated, anxious, fearful. These words are far more specific than lousy, crummy, and bad. *It helps to express our feelings in degrees. Examples: "I'm VERY irritated." "I'm a LITTLE peeved." "I'm EXTREMELY angry." *Sometimes we'll have mixed emotions. We best express our miced feelings. Tell what you liked or didn't like. Example: "I've got mixed feelings about this last episode. It's great that you spoke up, but I'm extremely annoyed about being called an idiot." *If you're angered or annoyed, it helps to mention what you're angry about (Specific behavior). Mention the behavior first, then your feelings. This way the person can first hear the message about the behavior without first becoming defensive because they hear your angry or annonyed. Example: "Pulling all the pimentos out of the olives at Buster's party angered me so much." *See "Tips on Assertiveness" on the Emoclear.com process page. *Be willing to confront someone with how you're feeling. *When providing feelings about a behavior, focus on the behavior and not the person. Better to say: "Your pimento picking annoys me no end." Rather than: "You're trash for acting like that at Buster's party." *Use "I" statements in talking about your feelings rather than "You" statements. This minimizes the other person's defensiveness and makes your messages more likely to be heard. Example: "I feel __________." Rather than: "You did _____________." "I" statements bring the focus to ourselves and help give us a sense of being responsible for how we feel. "You" statements, besides spawning defensiveness, pulls the focus from us, and may promote the idea the other person is responsible for how we feel. *Keeping mum about your feelings doesn't let the other person know what's up. They have no way of responding because they don't know what's going on. You can't effect change in the situation and will likely feel frustrated. *Sharing feelings works best with those persons with whom you already experience closeness. Sharing feelings right off the bat with people you just met isn't such a hot idea. Most strangers may not know you well enough to have an instant emotional rapport. They may feel off balance or out of synch with an emotional sharing that comes out of nowhere. *Be wary of only expressing mostly feelings about negative areas. People tend to tune out a continual din of negatives. Avoidance may be the next step. *Using body language out of synch with your feelings can block the impact of your message. Smiling when you're annoyed thwarts good feelings communication. Nervous laughter, when you're expressing anger, disempowers what you're saying. Take care, Steve |
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MartinHauck |
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Posts: 10 (04/07/08 01:15 PM) |
Repost
TIPS ON LISTENING A large part of communications is listening. When someone desires to communicate with another they are doing this to let the other person know they desire something or wish to express important feelings or thoughts. Communicating is both verbal and non-verbal through body language and intonation. Workable communications arrives when folks send and receive messages that are clear and understandable. What commonly gets in the way of good communication is when messages involve too many issues or unrequired details. Points get lost. Intonation and body language may be incongruent with the message sent. Maybe the voice is inaudible or the receiver is anxious and failing to pay attention to what's being said. Problems show up when we're more interested pushing our own particular viewpoint rather than hearing out what the other fellow says. We wait for openings, spot flaws, or plunge ahead. Perhaps we fake attention while impatiently waiting to jump in. Maybe a defensive remark is being formulated which takes our inward attention. Giving someone our full ear is very important to communications. We truly want to understand the other person's view, their feelings, the meaning of what's being communicated. Throughout the conversation we may be examining our own understanding by restating what the other person is saying and getting it verified. It's key to good listening to know where to focus. Do we focus on the facts or the emotions of the situation? If we're talking with someone who's upset, they're liable to get more upset if we miss the correct focus of the message being communicated. Good listening also involves getting the message so we know what the other person is feeling and thinking. We need to step into the other person's shoes and look out through their eyes. We might not agree, but we require understanding the other person's views. Good listening skills minimize misunderstandings. If we're really paying attention we'll know immediately when a misunderstanding occurs. Clarification follows and keeps the communication flowing. There's payoffs for developing good listening skills. Often if someone is heard they may loosen their position or consider alternative viewpoints. Areas of agreement are more apt to be noticed which creates less conflict and tension. Sometimes folks notice gaps in their thinking when they hear themselves uncritically repeated. Listening attentively can also help us to notice flaws in our own approach. The speaker can become more aware of what they're saying when they're paraphrased or mirrored back. SOME POINTERS FOR GOOD LISTENING *Paraphrase in your own words. This lets the other person know you're understanding what's being said and that you're not merely repeating. *Mirror back their sense of the facts, their evaluations, and what they desire and expect. Let them know you recognize their feelings. *Let someone see when you appreciate what was just said. *Know when to speak up and give your message. Get a sense of the rhythm of the give and take. *Avoid long stretches of muteness without some feedback on your part. Often the speaker may feel some unease that their message is not being heard. *Know that sometimes when folks ask questions they are thinking out loud. They may not be asking for a response or a solution. *If you're confused by what the other person is saying, speak up and ask for clarification or say it in another way so you'll have a clearer understanding. *The other person may be angry. Withhold defensiveness or knee jerk responses. By listening closely and getting what they're saying, they will begin to wind down. *Get the feeling and intention of what they're saying. This comes from getting an overall sense of what's being communicated. *Be accepting and empathetic with the person. Be respectful of their viewpoint even if you still hold yours and it's 190 degrees from their's. *Avoid yeah--uh huhs. Especially avoid machine gunning uh huhs. *Watch out for nervous questions or too many questions. *It's okay to joke, but avoid it during intimate stretches or the speaker may interpret this as a deflection. *Nod at the other person's words, yet avoid becoming a bobbing head. *Avoid name calling, blaming, being quick to change the subject, sarcasm, talking down, and any variety of defensiveness. *It doesn't hurt to find truth in the other person's statements. If they say: "You spend too much time doing X." Then you can reply: "Yes sometimes I do spend too much time doing X." *Rather than right/wrong rope pulls aim for mutual problem solving discussions. Imagine what it would be like to work in harmony. Cooperation and problem solving works far better than argueing and blaming. *What are the most frequent blocks to good listening? (1) We think we're right and the other person is wrong. (2) We believe the other person is to blame for the difficulty. (3) We can't stand being told anything. (4) We believe we're numero uno and the center of the universe. (5) We believe we deserve better treatment. (6) We have a dire need to make a point. (7) We believe we're victims of unfairness and injustice. ( We fail to see our impact on others.
(9) We miss our part in the problem. (10) We habitually fall into opposition. (11) We have a dire need to speak. (12) We can't wait to get in our licks. (13) We can't face criticism. (14) We feel we have to provide help right away. (15) We are convinced the other person is bragging or being dishonest. (16) We believe others don't have the right to feel or speak the way they do. (17)We believe others are behaving irrationally or illlogically. (18) We are convinced that the Almighty is on our side. (19) We think we have a right to righteous indignation. (20) We sense we're the fountain of wisdom. *Watch out for attempting to trap others in lie telling. This checking implies the other person is not trustworthy. Often folks respond to how they are perceived by acting as they are viewed. Put someone on the defensive and they will often respond defensively. *If someone shows every sign of avoiding a certain subject, then don't pull teeth with probing questions. Let them relax and open up. The more accepting you are, the more likely they are to be open. *Grimacing and eyerolls should be striken from our "listening skills". These point blank tell the other person what they're saying is being rejected. *Allow others to be right. Trying to prove our correctness during a conversation shuts it down quickly. *Notice the impact of your communication and your presence. *Make comfortable eye contact, but don't stare. Don't check your watch or glance around the room. Head nodding lets them know you're there. Avoid the closed position that arm folding provides. Touch the other person if it seems appropriate. Take care, Steve |
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BettinaKohler |
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Posts: 13 (04/08/08 12:25 PM) |
Hi,
While conflicts and couples problems can often be "solved" through acceptance or "accepting them as facts of life" here's a useful approach for solving problems that couples can both agree are problems. Bettina Kohler TIPS ON PROBLEM SOLVING (c) Steve Mensing The following exercise is a general purpose approach to finding or creating solutions to problems. THE PROBLEM SOLVER Here are the steps of The Problem Solver: (1) DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM. What does it look like? Where does it occur? When does it occur? Who is involved with it? How often does it happen? Does this challenge involve several aspects? Do you have a name you call the problem? Would the label challenge do? Or perhaps a more positive label? (2) HOW DOES THIS CHALLENGE FEEL? ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10 HOW IMPORTANT IS THIS CHALLENGE? How do you feel about this challenge? Is this challenge important enough to bother overcoming or can you accept it and live with it? Are you motivated enough to find a solution? (3) WHAT MIGHT YOU RATHER HAVE IN PLACE OF THIS CHALLENGE? At this moment is there something you'd prefer to have happening instead of this challenge? What is it? Is there anything you can do to make that happen now? Or is more challenge solving required? (4) WHAT ARE THE MULTIPLE CAUSES OF YOUR CHALLENGE? What's happening to create this challenge? Which of the following might be contributing to your challenge? *Something in the environment? *Other Persons? *Yourself? *Habitual patterns? *Something else? (5) HOW HAVE OTHERS SOLVED THIS CHALLENGE? How have others solved this challenge? Have you searched for how others solved the same or similar challenge? How did they do it? (6) HAVE YOU EVER SOLVED THIS CHALLENGE OR A SIMILAR CHALLENGE? Have you solved this challenge or similar one previously? How did you do it? Can those learnings be reapplied to this challenge? CHOOSE EITHER 7A OR 7B TO FIND SOLUTIONS: (7A) CONSIDER MANY POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS TO YOUR CHALLENGE AND WRITE THEM DOWN. Make a list of solutions to your challenge. Brainstorm if needed and quickly, without judgement, write out as many possible solutions as they occur to you. Play with your best solutions in 7A and see if you can improve them. (7B) USE THE CREATOR TO COME UP WITH HOW THE CHALLENGE APPEARS LIKE SOLVED AND THEN CHANT VISUALIZE THE SOLUTION. Use the Creator (On the Emoclear.com process page) to come up with how the challenge appears like solved and then chant visualize the solution. ( IS THERE ANY BELIEF OR EMOTION BLOCKING FINDING A SOLUTION? Beliefs like "I can't solve this" or "it's too much" or
"it's impossible"? Or emotions? Integrate or process any beliefs or emotions blocking your solution finding or implementing progress.
(9) CHOOSE YOUR BEST SOLUTION FROM 7A OR 7B AND IMPLEMENT IT. Choose your best solution from 7A or 7B and implement it. If it's a behavior you're doing, practice it until it feels natural. Other Emoclear solution finders are the Mutli-Solutions Generator and the Solutions Generator both found on the process page at www.emoclear.com Take care, Steve |
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PeteWarren |
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Posts: 22 (04/08/08 01:16 PM) |
Hi,
Another valuable problem solving device that couples can put to good use. MULTI-SOLUTIONS GENERATOR. This material was copyrighted by Steve Mensing back in 1991. Its from a chapter in the "Life Skills Self-Helpapedia" WHAT IS THE MULTI-SOLUTIONS GENERATOR? The Multi-Solutions Generator (MSG) is questions aimed at helping us reach behavioral and emotional change goals as rapidly and as comfortably as possible. Based on Ericksonian and Solutions-Oriented approaches, the MSG is geared to create rapid solutions that hold up over time. These solutions will come from us and will evolve from a change in perspective or from a specific action or both. In creating solutions the MSG focuses on what is possible and alterable, rather than on the impossible and unalterable. Behavior is the primary target for change. During the solutions-generating process the MSG zeroes in on the problem-free times or the exceptions to our difficulties. Example: the time we are not acting addictively or are being angry. Our attention is drawn to what specifically is different about these problem-free times and what can be done to produce more of the same. To speed our solutions we better choose goals and make them into clear, measurable, and specific outcome images. These goals will be concrete and observable. In making our goals clear, measurable, and specific, we make our goals achievable. (Look for Dreamstate Creation Process upcoming) We might ask: "What specifically do we want to change?" MSG goals focus on: *What humanly can be done *The present & future *Concrete & observable behavior change *Allowances for our human fallibility *Us *Changes in viewpoint & action which create desirable behavior MSG utilizes our own individual styles of performance. The focus here is on solutions rather than problems. The MSG recognizes we possess all the abilities and strengths required to remake perspectives and to take solutions generating action. We take responsibility for our attitudes, behaviors, and feelings. Present and future oriented, the MSG avoids talk of the past. Viewpoints, formed from a past perspective, tend to give strong life and power to present challenges. With the MSG, explanations and history are regarded as creations after the fact. Numerous explanations may fit the facts well and may hold equal truth, yet searching them out slows the solutions process and saddles it with excess baggage. Seemingly no one correct way of verbally constructing realities exists. The MSG avoids all beliefs not worthwhile to the desired change. The MSG focuses on observable physical actions. If problems are mentioned, they are described in the past tense. Solutions are represented in the present and future. The MSG demonstrates we do not need to know a difficulty's cause inorder to find its solution. Insight is an unrequired factor in the change process. No theory or hypothesis in needed for challenge resolution. People are different from moment to moment and from day to day. No one is a continuous label. No one acts the same way constantly. No one feels the same way all the time. The MSG will point out an individual's differing behaviors and feelings during the course of a day. Flexible and open-ended, the MSG utilizes whatever a person brings to the question and answer session. This form of self-counseling evokes an individual's resources, solutions, strengths and brings them to attack the problem situation. The MSG employs language that makes a future solution appear probable and realistic. This probability and realism makes the solution more likely to occur because the approach nurtures a positive self-fulfilling prophecy. In overcoming problems, the MSG either erases the problem completely or makes the problem appear manageable by reducing its strength and size. Frequently difficulties are undercut by demonstrating they only occur at certain times or in changeable situations. Often problematic behavior is relabeled, has its direction altered, or is linked to an extremely difficult task to create resistance to further performance. Difficulties are generally found in: *Frequency of certain happenings *A situations labels and meanings * A sequence of actions *The direct or indirect involvement of certain people. *Specific physical location *Factors in the environment (crime, economics, employment etc.) * The degree the problem is outside an individual's control *Focus of blame *Extremely negative predictions *Emotions *Physiological states Difficulties are often kept alive by either seeing no solution or believing the only alternative is another problem. The MSG avoids the trap of repeating ineffective solutions. The MSG getsw us to look at how reality might appear without a particular problem. Here small changes are seen to effect the larger picture. The MSG focuses us on altering our behavior in problematic situations and on trading fixed negative labels for everyday positive descriptions. The main tools of the MSG are questions, clarifications, activity assignments, and relabeling. If you need to clean up emotions, beliefs, and physical sensations after employing the MSG, use any clearing process. MULTI-SOLUTIONS GENERATOR: SESSION 1 Are you seeking a solution? These questions will assist you in rapidly formulating a clear direction for your solution. Jot down your answers so you can review them or clarify them further. 1) Why are you using the MSG? (2) Are there clues leading you to believe a challenge actually exists? 3) Is there something you desire more of? If so, specify what it is. A feeling? A behavior? Something tangible? Something you or another person are doing? Something happening in your environment? Something else? 4)Is there something you want to maintain? If so, specify what it is. A feeling? A behavior? Something tangible? From you? From someone else? From the environment? From a group? 5) Is there something you want less of? If so, specify what it is. A feeling? A behavior? Something tangible? From you? From someone else? From the environment? From a group? 6) After reviewing the 5 previous questions jot down what the problem was. Be clear and specific in jotting down the details to describe what the problem was. Example: Jim watches watches the Extreme Games each Sunday and ignores me. 7) What positive new label will you give this challenge? (Example a panic attack was relabeled and energy festival; a failure was relabeled a valuable learning experience) What specifically took place during the (Your new label). Then what happened? And then what happened?
9)Who was present during the (New label). What did each person say or do? Then what happened? And then what happened? 10) Where did the (new label) most frequently occur? 11) Was there a particular time of day, month, or year when the (new label) was most likely to happen? 12) How was this (new label) a challenge for you? 13) If a close friend, relative, or boss was present now, what would he or she say about the way you went about solving this (new label)? 14) You just snapped your fingers and blinked. Suddenly a change occurred and your (new label) was solved. How would you know the (new label) was solved? What would be different? 15) When you have a solution, what would you be doing? How would you feel? What would you be saying to others? 16) Right after you found a solution, what would life be like? What would you see? Hear? Feel? Smell? Taste? 17) Immediately after the solution arrives, what challenge would you overcome next? Or would you rather relax and take it easy for awhile? 18)Describe your (new label) free times. 19)What happens when you don't experience your (new label)? 20)What is different about the times you are getting what you want? 21)What are you and others, involved in the (new label) doing differently during the (new label) free times? 22) In describing the (new label) free times,on what do you focus? 23)In describing the (new label) free times, what do you ignore? 24) What is different about those times when the (new label) is manageable? 25) When do these (new label) free times happen? 26) Would you rather have a complete solution today, tomorrow, in a week, or in a few weeks? 27) (If the (new label) is not yet solved) Before the next session would you rather observe all the (new Label) free times and make a note of your observations or would you rather do something differently during the time when the (new label) most often occurs? MULTI-SOLUTIONS GENERATOR: SESSION 2 The following questions will continue the solutions process if it is still required. Write down your answers so you can review them and see how your solution is working. Feel free to clear any feelings, beliefs, or physical sensations with clearing processes. 1) Frequently between the first session and this session the reader will notice something different. Generally the MSG sessions are spaced a few days apart to provide time for observation. What are you noticing about your situation? 2) If you noticed changes in your situation, would you desire those changes to continue happening? 3) When your (new label) is solved, what will be different? Who will be the first person to notice you have a solution? 4)When a person comments about the solution, what willyou say? 5) Did your situation involve a piece of behavior? What would change that piece of behavior? 6) What was your new positive label for your situation? What might an outsider call your situation? Can you create a positive new label for the outsider's name for the challenge? 7) What will you call your situation 2 years after you've solved it? 8)Did your (new label)'s frequency of occurence make it a challenge? How can you best increase or decrease the frequency? 9)Where did the (new label) happen? Could you change the (new label's) location? Where would the (new label) no longer be a challenge? 10)To what degree was the (new label) out of your control? Can you exercise more control over it? In what ways? 11)Who was involved in the situation? Were they involved directly or indirectly? Can you have them become more involved or less involved? 12)Was anyone blamed? Could you reassign the blame to someone else? To something else. Could you let go of blaming and just say it happened and leave it at that? Could there be many alternative causes? Could you create another explanation to fit the facts? How might someone else, away from the situation, find someone or something else to blame? Could you blame the entire universe? 13) Was there an environmental factor (economics, living arrangements, employment etc) that might have been involved in this situation? How can these environmental factors be altered? Are there ways to compensate for these environmental factors? 14)Is there a feeling or bodily state involved? Can you clear this feeling or bodily state? Can you alter it in any other way? 15)If there is a feeling or bodily state, when does this feeling come and go? What happens when you ignore the feeling or bodily state and do what you want to do? (Example: Did you ever feel like not doing something, and go ahead and do it anyway? Like chores or school) 16)Was the past involved with your situation? If so, how? Can you relabel the past? Can you ignore the past and refocus on doing something differently? 17)Are there any negative predictions about the future? What were they? Are there other possibilities? What can you do to produce a solution? 18)Do you expect a perfect solution? Could you accept an imperfect solution? Could you accept more (new label) free days? In what ways can you enjoy an imperfect solution? 19) After your problem is solved, how might you sound to your closest friend? 20) When you have a solution, how will dinner taste to you? 21) (If your (new label) is not yet solved) Prior to the next session would you rather observe all the challenge-free times and note them or would you rather do something differently during the (new label) time? MULTI-SOLUTIONS GENERATOR: SESSION 3 The following questions will continue the solutions process if it is still required. Write down your answers so you can review them and see how the solution is working. 1) Often between the second and third sessions the reader will notice a change in their situation. What are you noticing about your situation? 2) If you spotted any changes in your situation, would you desire those changes to continue to happen? 3)After you recognize your solution, how will you dress? The instant you notice a solution, what will be your facial expression? 4)Can you change the time of day of your (new label)? If so, how? 5)Can you change the location of your (new label)? Can you make it external? Internal? Far away? If so, how? 6) Can you change the frequency of the (new label) occuring? If so, how? 7)Can you change the sequence of events around the problem? If so, how? Can you interrupt or halt all or part of the event's sequence? If so, how?
9) Can you either jump from the sequence's start to the end or perhaps start the sequence in the middle? 10)Can you change the (new label)'s duration? If so, how? 11)Can you change any of the characteristics or traits of the problem by making them better or worse? If so, how so? 12)Can you perform the problem without the problem-pattern? If so, how? 13)Can you attach the probelm-pattern to an extremely difficult or undesirable task? If so, how? 14) Can you reverse the problem pattern? If so, how? 15)Can you break a large element of the problem pattern into smaller parts? If so, how? 16)Can you review questions 4 through 15? Would you rather perform one or two of the easiest tasks listed? 17) Would you rather observe challenge-free times on odd days or even days or on both kinds of days? MULTI-SOLUTIONS GENERATOR: SESSION 4 The following questions will continue the solutions process if it is still required. Write down your answers so you can review them and see how your solution is working. (1) Frequently between the third and fourth sessions the reader will notice changes. What are you noticing about your situation? (2) If you have observed any changes in your situation, would you desire those changes to continue happening? 3)When you notice your solution, would you smile or laugh or appear mildly shocked? 4) The instant you have a solution, will you want to tell someone about it? 5) When you have a solution, will you want to tell someone about it? 6)When you have a solution, might anyone notice it before you? 7) At this moment what works? At this moment what has worked?
9) At this moment what might work? 10)Do the challenge-free times appear to happen without a pattern or reason? If so, can you describe the randomness of your problem-free times? 11)Can you give a step by step detail of the challenge as you recall it? 12) Can you spot the differences between any hypothetical solutions and the way the challenge appeared? 13) Since you started using the Multi-Solution Generator, have you considered how much more fun you are going to have when your solution grows clearer? 14) What is the difference between feeling something might happen and going ahead and doing what you want to do? 15)After you experience the solution, can you carry that learning experience over to another area of your life? 16)What might you do to speed up your solution? 17) Can you keep a record of what you are doing that's giving you what you want? 18)Can you observe the many positive things you are doing during the day and list them? 19) Which would you rather do? (a) Do a task which would alter your challenge's surroundings? or (b) Do a task that would surprise someone important to the problem (Don't tip them off about what you are going to do). MULTI-SOLUTIONS GENERATOR: SESSION 5 The following questions will continue the solutions process if it is still needed. Jot down your answers so you can review them and see how your solution is working. (1) Often between the fourth and fifth sessions the reader will notice changes. What are you noticing about your situation? 2)If you have observed any changes in your situation, would you want those changes to continue happening? 3)How did you get the desirable behaviors to happen? What did you do first? 4)When you solve your problem, where would you like to vacation? 5)The instant you have a solution, what sort of music would you like to hear or would you just want silence? 6) Has anyone noticed changes in your challenge? If so, who? 7)If you target was to get a behavior to stop, how did you do it? What are your hobbies and interests? When your challenge is solved, will you have more time for your hobbies and interests?
9)Did you ever have the same challenge in the past? How did you solve it? What do you need to do to recreate the same solution? 10)What do you want to keep happening? 11)What do you do that gives you more confidence? 12)What good things were you and others ,involved in the challenge, doing this week? 13) What had you better do to keep your desired changes going? 14) What plan do you have? What are the desired steps? 15) How much closer are you to your goal? 16)Is your goal clear? Can you make your solutions clearer? What would you do to make your solution clearer? 17)During the next few days would you rather observe the good things that are happening? or Would you rather do more things that work? 18)Would you rather have the solution occur within the next few hours, the next few days, or the next two weeks? Which would be most convenient? 19) How will you think and feel about your solution when you look back at it from the vantage point of a year from now? Three years? MULTI-SOLUTIONS GENERATOR: SESSION 6 This final group of questions will further refine the solutions generating process if it is still required. Write down your answers so you can review them and see how your solution is working. (1) Frequently between the fifth and sixth sessions the reader will notice changes. What are you noticing about your situation? (2) How might clearing processes be used to help you find a solution or create one? Are their emotions, beliefs, or physical sensations that may require clearing? 3) If you observed changes in your situation, would you want those changes to continue to happen? 4) After your solution arrives, what positive things will you notice about your neighborhood? Your house or apartment? 5)After your solution begins to reveal itself, what parts of it will be easiest to accept? 6) When you look back at the problem and its solution 3 years from now, what were the easiest parts to change? 7) Will you daydream about your solution later today or will you dream about it tonight or later in the week in color? It's possible you dreamed your solution many times during the last few evenings and forgot the solution when you woke up. Can you gradually recall parts
opf the dream solution or can you remember all of the dream solution? Perhaps tomorrow morning or the day afterwards or next week you will recall parts or all
of the dream solution. You might want to jot down the solution or record it on tape.
9)Would you rather change the easiest parts or some other parts? How will you change those parts? Can you clearly describe the solution step by step? 10) Can you describe the challenge-free time, what do you focus on? 11)In describing the challenge-free time, what do you ignore? 12)(If behavior is involved) How would you change a part of the behavior to create a solution? What could you do differently? 13)Can you review your answers to the questions 4 through 15 in the second session? Are there any answers to the questions you would like to change? If so, what are your new responses? 14)Would you rather perform one or two of the easiest tasks listed in session 3? If you can do one or two of the tasks, can you do them slighly differently than when you first performed them? 15)If you got an over night express envelope from an old wise person and the letter inside was marked: "Your Solution", what might the letter say? 16) What might you do to speed your solution? 17) At this instant what works? 18)At this instant what has worked? 19)At this instant what might works? 20)Can you keep a record of what you are doing to give you the results you desire? 21) Can you continue to observe the positive things you are doing during your waking hours and list them if you so desire? 22)After your solution, how will you look back on the steps you used to get it? 23)When you have a solution, how will you know you have it? 24) Right after you discover your solution, will you immediately start to solve a new challenge or will you play with the former challenge a while longer to admire your handiwork. |
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GaryHoltzman |
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Posts: 28 (04/08/08 11:46 PM) |
Hi,
Useful when applied to your partner- Here's a simple reflection exercise for accessing appreciation and gratitude: ***Warning: This process is not to be used by anyone with a history of mental illness, severe trauma, or panic. These challenges are best handled with a therapist. You are only permitted to use this process if you agree to absolve Steve Mensing, the webmasters, Emoclear.com and the web host of any responsibility for the application or misapplication of this process. With any emotional process there is the possibility of discomfort.*** This exercise is also available in mp3 format. (Opens in a new window). APPRECIATION & GRATITUDE EXERCISE. (1) GENTLY PINCH YOUR RIGHT NOSTRIL SHUT AND BREATHE FOR 12 INHALATIONS AND EXHALATIONS THROUGH YOUR LEFT NOSTRIL ONLY: Gently pinch your right nostril shut and breathe for 12 inhalations and exhalations through your left nostril only. When this is complete go to step (2). (2) PLACE YOUR RIGHT PALM ON YOUR HEARTBEAT REGION AND ACCESS THE FOLLOWING MEMORIES: Place your right palm on your heartbeat region and access the following memories: * Recall any acts of love or kindness directed toward you in the last 72 hours. These acts of love or kindness may have been done by friends, family, or strangers. Recall and feel how you felt at the time. Perhaps it was someone offering you a seat on public transportation, someone allowing you into the flow of traffic, a well prepared meal, or errands someone did. Recall them and allow your feelings of appreciation and gratitude to form. * Recall emotional issues that appeared within the last 72 hours. What valuable messages did they supply? What good things might they have done for you on some level? Notice them and allow your feelings of appreciation and gratitude to form. * Recall any of the acts of love and kindness or emotional issues that served you within the last few weeks, months, or years. Notice them and allow your feelings of appreciation and gratitude to form. * Recall the wonderful gadgets and tools in your home. Some you may find invaluable to your day to day living. These might be faxes, computers, tv's, food processors, juicers, refrigerators, cars, and other such items. Notice how these things add to the quality of your life and to your enjoyment. Review all of the great chain of people who produced and distributed these gadgets and tools. Then allow yourself to appreciate and feel gratitude toward all those persons who brought these gadgets and tools into your home and made life more convenient and enjoyable. (c) Steve Mensing |
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DaveCohen |
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Posts: 18 (04/09/08 09:13 AM) |
Repost.
Deana asks: "A common destructive habit found in relationships is Parataxic Distortion or negatively viewing your partner though the filter of your parents or previous partners. Can you tell us about this common destructive distortion? How do you recognize it and how do you overcome it?" Deana Parataxic Distortion is the bane of many relationships and one of the primary reasons why couples breakup. One of the partners is negatively viewing their partner through the distorting filter of their parents (Often the mother) or previous partners. Our feelings and assumptions about our partner can be extremely strong due to Parataxic Distortion and can make us lose sight of who are partner really is. Our assumptions may have no basis in reality. This can be quite frustrating and alienating for the partner who is viewed through the Parataxic Distortion. Their partner is treating them like they were someone else and sometimes with unwarranted hostility and coldness. Circumstances, where partners feel anxious, stressed, or vulnerable, as in a new intimate relationship or where needs are in conflict, are most likely to trigger parataxic distortion. Any behavior slightly reminiscent of the parent or former partner can turn on Parataxic Distortion. The distorting partner can quickly lose their objectivity. Often nothing the distorted partner can do or say will convince the Parataxically Distorting partner that something is out of kilter in how they are reading their partner. How do we recognize when Parataxic Distortion is going on? Here's some ways to recognize this style of distortion is eating at your relationship: *Do you react to your partner in the same fashion that you did with a parent or former partner? Do you make assumptions and inferences about your partner that remind you of your parent or former partner? *Do your current feeling states and actions remind you of your past with either your parents or a former partner? *Mind Reading. This a a key feature of Parataxic Distortion. Your partner assumes they know what you're thinking, feeling, and what your intentions are. Of course partners can never know what we're feeling, intending, and thinking unless we tell them. They make their assumptions based on past experiences with either their parents or former partners. *Anger is another key feature of Parataxic Distortion. Often the distorting partner feels angry. This anger appears above the level of provocation. *Do you experience sudden and intense negative emotions due to something your partner did or said? Are you angry, down, embarrassed, or anxious in regards to what your partner did or said? Are you distancing, looking for reassurance, feeling needy, or fighting with your partner? Does this remind you of your interactions with your parents or a past partner? *The distorting partner fears abuse and rejection from their partner. This fear of abuse and rejection is reminicent of the feelings the distorting partner had when they were a child or when they lived with a previous abusive and rejecting partner. Parataxic Distortion can be overcome by: *Noticing when Parataxic Distortion is going on in your relationship. *Keeping a journal or log listing Parataxic Distortion incidents. *Identify the person from the past (Parent or former partner), used to create your filter. *What similarities exist between your new partner and either your parent or previous partner? *How did you react when your partner set off the parataxic distortion? -Examine your assumptions and inferences about your partner. Are any of them false or only partially true? -Can you alter how you express yourself to your partner? -Can you alter how you act toward your partner? -Can you change how you perceive, hear, or see your partner? -What are one or two possible solutions for ending your distortion? -Be willing to listen to your partner and ask them what they are feeling, thinking, and intending instead of jumping to conclusions and mind reading. Take care, Steve Julian asks: "Can relationship partners be viewed as Personality Clusters? If so, how can someone get out of this negative habit?" Julian relationship partners are often viewed through the screen of Personality Clusters (Clusters of distorted and negative beliefs). Someone can get out of the habit of this kind of distortion by challenging and changing the cluster beliefs and by using belief exposure techniques like the Belief Repeater. Other ways of dealing with Personality Clusters glued onto partners are: *Notice when Personality Clusters are going on in your relationship. *Keeping a journal or log listing Personality Cluster incidents. *How did you react to Parsonality Clusters tacked onto your partner? -Examine your assumptions and inferences about your partner. Are any of them false or only partially true? -Can you alter how you express yourself to your partner? -Can you alter how you act toward your partner? -Can you change how you perceive, hear, or see your partner? -Be willing to listen to your partner and ask them what they are feeling, thinking, and intending instead of jumping to conclusions and mind reading. Take care, Steve Miriam asks: "What do you consider the very best relationship books?" Miriam here are my favorites and ones I often recommend to folks wanting to improve their relationships: *"The Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner-Davis. While aimed at thwarting divorce, it is an excellent solutions-oriented couples manual offering sage advice and pointing out how to make long-term relationships work. *How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together" by Susan Page. Fantastic book on how one of the partners can improve the relationship by taking action on themselves. Highly recommended. *"Why Talking Is not Enough: 8 Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage" by Susan Page. An excellent book that creatively bypasses conflict resolution and problem solving. *"Couple Skills" (2nd Ed) by McKay, Fanning, & Paleg. Loaded with couple skills and insights into making relationships work well. *"10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage" by Gottman & Gottman. Very useful book. *"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman. First rate book based on Gottman's relationship research. *"What to Do When He Has A Headache" by Janet Wolfe. A good book of problem solving for couples on common issues. (This book may be obtained from used book sellers). *"Saving a Sex-Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner-Davis. A good book on love-making information and how to create solutions for common relationship difficulties. Take care, Steve According to researcher John Gottman happily married or coupled people behave like good friends. They act with affection, respect, and empathy. They pay close attention to what's happening in eachother's lives and feel an emotional connection. They do have conflict from time to time. They may have loud arguments. In happy stable marriages there appears to be at least a ratio of 5 positive remarks to 1 negative remark. In couples headed for divorce or uncoupling they have a ratio of only one positive remark for every one negative remark. Happy couples handle conflicts in gentle positive ways. They either find ways to solve their problems or accept them as facts of life. They don't get locked into separate positions. They find compromises that are mutually beneficial and they make tradeoffs so they both gain and are happy. Or they just accept what is and their partner. According to Gottman 4 problems send couples to parting company. Defensiveness. People counterattack to defend their innocence or avoid taking responsibility. There may be cross complaints. Criticism. One partner complains or blames the other partner, then gives them a negative self-label that assaults their character. This is a chronic attack not an occaisional blowup where sometimes people say regretable things in the heat of the moment. The criticizer is constantly disparaging. Contempt. Criticism is strengthened by disgust and hostility. The partner may contemptuously roll their eyes. Stonewalling. The person withdraws and doesn't appear to be listening. They don't want to be bothered. Relationships are strengthened by saying things that make us feel closer, encouraging compromise or acceptance, and healing wounds. Positive behaviors that help relationships are: 1. Turning toward your partner and reaching out to make an emotional connection and them demonstrating that they are open to you, listening, and engaged. Turning toward your partner and having your emotional connection being accepted strengthens a relationship. 2. Repairing a conversation. Efforts are made to deescalate negtive feelings during a conflict. Apologies, humor, a warm smile, or touching. 3. Opening a conflict discussion with gentleness and not insulting or criticizing your partner. 4. Being willing to hear, accept, and maybe even be persuaded by what your partner is saying. Bettina Kohler |
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JayneBurgos |
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Posts: 16 (04/10/08 03:26 AM) |
James asks: "What three marriage & relationship skills help the most?"
Reposting. James I'm going to give you eight marriage and relationship skills that are extremely helpful. If couples are not practicing the first 4 skills their relationship will likely fall into trouble. *Make a habit of spending quality time together and doing mutually pleasurable activities together. Find fun things to do together like conversation, making love, going out to dinner, plays, concerts, movies, hanging out with friends, parties, exercising together, reading together, or whatever turns you on. This quality time together is a pleasurable or relaxing time together that makes relationships worth having and leads to deeper intimacy. *Full relationship commitment. Commitment to your relationship helps a great deal if the relationship falls into challenging times. This way you work together to bring love and warmth back into your relationship. Being uncommited and having a foot out the door is fear based and will likely make your relationship difficult should hard times comes your way. Love is not only warm, loving, and romantic feelings, it is the commitment to stick with it and bring love and warmth back even when you temporarily don't feel that way. If you have more positive emotional experiences over time than negative, the love will return. A loving formula exists that works to return loving and warm feelings: Spend quality time together, solve or accept your differences in a mutually agreeable way, deliberately have more positive emotional experiences together than negative and your relationship will be loving and warm again. *Acceptance/self-acceptance. Learn how to accept yourself and not be critical of yourself or others. You feel good. You're less likely to distort what you partner says and in doing so you create less chance for conflict. A better atmosphere is created for your relationship to thrive and grow. See the Self-Acceptance Learn-in. Also it's very important to accept your partner and their foibles. *Conflict management. You don't bring up difficulties and conflicts with your partner. (Unless it's really eating up your relationship, like they're having affairs, suffering from alcoholism or substance abuse, seldom coming home, they're walking screamfests, or some other big ticket item.) You learn to accept your partner's differences and view them as "facts of life", maybe even find novelty or interest in some of them. Instead of talking about difficulties and conflicts, you bring up stimulating subjects, suggest pleasurable things to do together. Basically you crowd out the negative stuff with good and fun stuff. It's difficult to ramble on about how you dislike how your hubby parts his or her hair when you've got some good coversation going about something meaningful, stimulating, or pleasurable. The more good times and upbeat emotions you have, the more your relationship will be valued and enjoyed. *Assertiveness training & anger management. See our Learn-in on assertiveness and anger. *Restraint. Practice restraint with your partner. Avoid saying things in the passion of the moment unless they're loving things. Count to 10 and bite your tongue before you say anything that will hurt and that you will later regret. Say something pleasant or appreciative instead. There's likely much to appreciate. *Learn to manage your emotions with integrators, emotional writing, and recognizing, challenging, and changing distorted thinking. Learn to integrate/desensitize emotions that are intense, very uncomfortable, and attention grabbing. This will leave you in good mood and pleasant to be around. See the book: "Your Emotional Power". *Develop listening and intimacy skills. Tips on those can be found in our tips section on the Emoclear Process Page. Take care, Steve |
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MartinHauck |
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Posts: 13 (04/14/08 04:25 PM) |
Repost by Marty.
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MartinHauck |
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Posts: 14 (04/14/08 04:31 PM) |
Repost by Marty.
What wrecks intimacy- Depression. Substance abuse. Anxiety. Loveaholism. Chronic affairs. Workaholism. Physical abuse. Being critical and fault finding Chronic anger. Relationship Claustrophobia. Contemptuous behavior. Defensiveness. Lack of self-acceptance. Feelings avoidance. Avoiding major conflicts. Trying to rescue partner. Being irresponsible. Complaining to third parties. Jealousy & possessiveness. Dire neediness. Not listening. Dishonesty. Not being understanding & accepting. |
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DianePeterson |
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Posts: 25 (04/15/08 06:43 PM) |
Repost:
Miriam asks: "In a love relationship what's the difference between working on your partner and accepting your partner?" Miriam in relationships we're accepting our partner when we: *Accept our partner exactly as they are. *You accept all of their behavior, personality traits, or physical traits even if you're not fond of them. *You accept that conflicts between you exist and view them as an opportunity to grow emotionally and intellectually. Build your ability to accept and to love. Build restraint and patience. *You accept your partner's personhood. You avoid negatively labeling your partner. Example: "You are a shlumf". *You accept your partner and you avoid sending back parts of them as a "product recall". *There are limits to what can be accepted. Ongoing abuse. Substance abuse. Cheating and dishonesty. Relationships where your partner is unavailable or overly distant due to relationship claustrophobia. Dire neediness--the kind of neediness where your partner needs almost constant attention, gives none to themselves, and fault finds what you give. Passive aggression. Excessive anger, depression and anxiety that interferes with the relationship. Over criticalness. These challenges greatly erode intimacy and require therapy. *With acceptance toward our partner you will be creating comfort for yourself and your partner. *Your partner will feel supported. They are seen as an acceptable and loveable partner. *Acceptance breeds intimacy, trust, love, harmonious interaction and limits emotional upset. *You don't have to waste your time or energy in needing your partner to be a certain way or to act a certain way. You accept them as they are (Unless they cross the limits of acceptance mentioned earlier). *Acceptance oddly enough creates an atmosphere of freedom where your partner is more likely to grow. Acceptance is the growlite of change. *Many conflicts between partners never get resolved, they are accepted or outgrown. *By being accepting you set a good example that your partner may be more likely to pick up on and appreciate. *Accepting something doesn't mean you like something or approve it. It means you are no longer making a bone of contention over it. As you learn to accept, you find that many things that bothered you before just fade away. *Acceptance generally leads to growing out of the conflict. That your partner leaves their socks on the bathroom floor doesn't seem like a biggy when we we're accepting. If they don't toss it in the hamper, you can if it's bothering you. You might even attempt putting happy faces on the hamper and label them: "Socks are a desert--toss me one!" Even if your partner doesn't sidearm their socks into the hamper, you may have brought a smile to their day. Working on your partner creates the following: *Tension, conflict, ill will, controllingness, and negative emotions grow out of working on changing your partner. *If you want change, work on yourself. Learn acceptance and patience. Change your own specific behaviors and note what happens. *It stimulates defensiveness in your partner and sometimes resistance. *It turns into a right-wrong rope pull. *It creates one up and one down relationships. Partnerings become unequal. *The partner gets the message they are not okay and that acceptance is only conditional. *Most conflicts and problems go unaltered anyway. *Going over conflicts and problems can often lead to pushing people apart and throws a monkey wrench into intimacy. *If your partner is conflict avoidant they may feel terrorized by the prospect of facing a conflict. Take care, Steve |
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RichKarch |
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Posts: 25 (04/16/08 01:36 PM) |
Repost
What wrecks intimacy- Depression. Substance abuse. Anxiety. Loveaholism. Chronic affairs. Workaholism. Physical abuse. Being critical and fault finding Chronic anger. Relationship Claustrophobia. Contemptuous behavior. Defensiveness. Lack of self-acceptance. Feelings avoidance. Avoiding major conflicts. Trying to rescue partner. Being irresponsible. Complaining to third parties. Jealousy & possessiveness. Dire neediness. Not listening. Dishonesty. Not being understanding & accepting. Depth of intimacy comes from getting to know someone over time. Persons who have sex after a date or two without having long conversations for weeks or possibly months are not likely to last long. Conversation, lots of it, over important issues and small talk, is a good guage for the depth of intimacy. True intimacy comes from the depth of caring that only develops through long and intimate conversations about your lives, values, interests, previous relationships, and feelings. Don't mistake polite conversation for intimate conversation. Couples can behave like polite and cordial strangers at business meeting. They lack the depth of caring. Because they seldom argue, these people pretend to be close when they really are not. A polite relationship lacks intimacy if it lacks caring and the occaisional spark of conflict and passion. True intimacy can contain negatives like desiring sex after a fight, fussing over you, telling you about your disatisfactions, leaving you alone when you're in a bad mood, pushing you to try new things. Love, Mirika Chen Being honest and opening up about things you are not proud of can build intimacy when your partner is accepting. Not everything you say may be acceptable because it may fly in the face of your partner's values and experience. Then it would help if they accepted and loved you regardless of whether they accepted what you said. An example: "Honey I'm not proud of you being a skinhead, in fact I abhore it. I still love you not matter how dumb you acted in 1992." Bonny Keats Intimacy can be helped with small talk and with letting your partner know you love them. Often telling them specifically why you love them helps increase intimacy as will being thoughtful. Peter Warren Before you seek to be intimate or affectionate with your partner see if this is a good time for it. If your partner seemes annoyed, busy, or preoccupied, don't go there. To be an intimate relationship the couple ought to cherish each other and have some occaisional passion. A relationship that's all good weather is like polite strangers talking at a train station. There's politeness, yet no real caring. Hungry, jealous, and possessive partners are a drain on intimacy. A possessive partner would never tolerate you being demanding and possessive. Control and insecurity are unlike love and caring. A caring partner cares about what happens to you. They are interested in what you have to say although they may not always agree with you. You mean something to them. They may be concerned about your health and well-being. A partner who complains is almost always motivated by a desire for more intimacy and closeness. Complaining isn't meant to shove you away. Being tired out is intimacy's number one obstacle. To get intimacy going be prepared to talk about your deeper thoughts and feelings. Be willing to touch. Being together brings about the first two. Four basic problems get in the way of intimate relating. 1) Being controlling. Having the anxious need to control our partners. We need to be topdog and them bottom dog. This relationship of unequals makes the one-down person feel badly. The controlling partner usually distances and criticizes. 2) Being hungry and clinging. The hungry and clinging person craves security and not intimacy. These persons need to learn self-acceptance and to treat themselves in loving and caring ways. They need to build a relationship with themselves first. They need to know they can exist alone. Everyone wants intimacy and closeness--that's not to be confused with hunger and clinging which is a need for security and knowing your partner always loves and desires you. People who struggle to keep intimacy going or some connection are not necessarily hungry or clinging. They prefer a relationship. Some controlling distancers will often mistake the partner who merely desires a relationship with someone hungry and clinging. There are important differences. 3) Relationship ambivalence or having mixed feelings about being in a relationship. This is seen when problems or doubts arise in the relationship, the doubter or ambivalent one will often cut and run. To overcome relationship ambivalence, the ambivalent one will have to see the value of intimacy, love, and closeness as opposed to having no relationship. You then need to make a pact with your partner about sticking through the hard parts and making the relationship work. Making a strong commitment will help. Without it you will be more likely to take off again 4) The relationship stinks and through inertia you stay with it without making any real attempts at intimacy or working things out. Work here means making small times together at first to rebuild intimacy and closeness with arguments and blame. Take turns every few days answering the question: "What would I like my partner to understand that they don't yet understand?" Also deliberately go some place and have a good time together. Keep doing more of that and slowly rebuilding intimacy. You both may find you like it. The relationship can become a good one. It's up to you. Dale Brewer |
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