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CopiaCU asks: "What causes conflict avoidance? Doesn't it cause a lot of havoc interpersonally at work and in relationships? Limit vocations? Can it ever be overcome or modified? How can someone better work with conflict avoiders to keep things smooth, yet address a conflict?"

CopiaCU conflict avoidance is created by fearing confrontations and conflicts with people deemed important. Often the conflict avoider fears being rejected, criticized, or hurt. Conflict fear mainly comes from childhood where the main caregiver parent was critical and withdrew love and support if the child spoke up or tried to discuss conflicts. The child developed anxiety about speaking up about what they didn't like.

Conflict avoidance makes relationships very difficult because couples need to discuss, solve, or accept conflicts inorder to have a smooth running relationship and build intimacy and emotional bridges. Conflicts are an inevitable part of all relationships, love or work related. Conflict avoidance frustrates partners and work associates. Conflict avoiders mostly pair up with either conflict avoiders or persons who are accepting and validating.

Conflict avoidance can be overcome by going through assertiveness training and learning to confront conflict. The conflict avoider learns to work through their anxiety and focus on either solving the conflict or accepting it.
An additional way to help address conflict avoidance is to belief process the beliefs found in the Personality Cluster:
Emotionally/Conflict Avoidant. This cluster is reposted at the bottom of this reply.

To address a conflict with someone who is a conflict avoider try some of these approaches:

*Set a mutually agreeable time to discuss "relationship building". Keep these relationship building discussions to once a week or once every two weeks. Keep them to no more than two hours. Be willing to listen to feedback about developing more comfort in these relationship building times with your conflict avoiding partner.

*Avoid raised voices and focus on finding a mutually agreeable solution.

*Both listen to eachother and fully experience eachother's viewpoints.

*Accept what can't be solved.

*Gently draw them back to the discussion if they try go elsewhere, change the subject, or complain about having to clarify a point of view. Some may become testy about facing a conflict and try to rush things along or offer an unclear agreement.

*Make sure your partner knows you accept and love them if you mention a specific behavior you find unacceptable.

*Soften your complaints or problem talk by being gentle and pointing out qualities you like about your partner. Avoid critizing your partner with name calling or negative labeling.

*Avoid sarcasm, eye rolling, and frowns when talking with your partner. Avoid threats, mocking, any form of hostility or putdowns. Better to praise your partner and let them know what good things they do.

*Keep away from defensiveness. Take responsibility for what you've said and done. Be willing to hear your partner out. Be open to accept influence and to influence. Keep away from calling your partner a "lecturer" or telling them they're "condecending". This is defensiveness and shutsdown conversations. You are not being diminished by persuasion--you can make points yourself about your point of view. Both stand in eachother's shoes and look out through eachother's eyes. Defensiveness also comes about by cross complaining which is used to drown out what your partner is saying.

*Avoid "always", or "never", or "forever". Instead use "frequently" or "sometimes".

*Notice that longing for closeness is at the heart of many complaints.

*Express and accept appreciation.

*Be willing to repeat what's unclear.

*Be prepared to de-escalate negative emotions during a difficult exchange. You may apologize, smile, give an affectionate gesture, hug, or lighten up with some humor.

*Relax before hand and take some breaks if the discussion starts to get edgy or uncomfortable for the conflict avoider.

*Be calm in tone.

*Provide the conflict avoider time to think out their responses.
Be patient.

*Some Conflict avoiders may find email or the phone better for "discussions". Avoid small rooms or public places where they might feel self-conscious.

*Make the issue appear smaller and more manageable: "A small item might really give our relationship a boost if we think about it together.

*Always focus on specfic behaviors.

*Having snack foods available like a veggie and fruit tray can be more comforting.

*Be patient.

Take care, Steve

EMOTIONALLY/CONFLICT AVOIDANT PERSONALITY CLUSTER: This cluster is based on avoiding emotions and conflicts. This cluster comes from leftover beliefs formed when growing up in emotionally repressive households where conflict avoidance was modeled. Persons, emotionally and conflict avoidant, have difficulty forming and sustaining close relationships. Often critical of both themselves and others, they distrust emotions and appear rigid and thin-skinned. More prone to anxiety, shyness, approval seeking, unassertiveness, mistrust, and compulsive behavior, they may undergo periods of depression due their limited emotional connection with others and challenges expressing themselves directly. They prefer to keep others at a "safe" distance and may prove elusive and frustrating to persons desiring closer emotional contact. Because of being frequently out of touch with their emotions, they often misread people and situations. They are very security conscious. Typical thoughts of the Emotionally/Conflict Avoidance Personality Cluster are:

*Conflicts are scarey and uncomfortable.
*Anger is frightening and sometimes feels overwhelming.
*I can't take feeling out of control.
*Strong emotions feel overwhelming.
*I hide my feelings to avoid hurting others and being hurt.
*I have a secret emotional side that I seldom
show others.
*I'm hyper-alert for being criticized and often think people are putting me down.
*I prefer comfort and solitude away from others.
*There's no need to analyze our feelings and motivations when we disagree.
*Conflicts disappear in time, so why bother?
*I'm often uninterested in getting involved with others. It's too much bother.
*People want more from me than I have to give.
*Why talk about issues when they might lead to fights.
*Conflicts and fights scare me. I avoid them.
*Some areas of my life are best kept secret from my partner.
*When I become angry or anxious, I prefer to be left alone and think about other things.
*Analyzing a situation psychologically is too much trouble.
*Why do people want to know so much about me? They must think I'm abnormal.
*Being in a commited relationship makes me feel anxious.
*I hate it when people ask me about how I feel--why are they prying?
*I feel trapped and hemmed in by others sometimes.
*Why do loved ones act so needy?
*When I get close to others I feel on edge.
*I need space.
*Most areas in my relationship won't change.
*Talking about our conflicts just makes everything worse--why go there?
*It's inappropriate to show strong feelings of anger.
*Talking about conflicts feels scarey.
*Emotional and conflictual discussions should go quickly. I don't have all day to go over conflicts or to beat dead horses.
Let's get this over.
*No one needs to change. I certainly don't want to.
*No need to disagree--I'm not the disagreeable sort.
*Talking about my sadness, anger, or fear makes me look immature and self-absorbed. Let's talk about something else.
*If I begin to get strong negative feelings I ignore them and get active. I don't notice my feelings then.
*I have no need to persuade my partner to my way of thinking. I don't want to be persuaded either.
*Thinking positive is my motto.
*If I have negative feelings I keep them to myself. They'll go away if I ignore them.
*Anger solves nothing.
*I never disagree with my partner. Most times we don't talk about what bothers us. No need to.
*I feel weird expressing emotions.
*Expressing negative feelings is self-centered. I don't want to disturb my partner.
*Talking about emotions is BORING!
*Life should be comfortable and pleasant. Why rock the boat?


Take care, Steve

Hello,

Avoiding a conflict is always avoiding some kind of emotion. Usually it's anxiety, fear, anger, embarassment.
There is usually some anxiety or fear about this avoided emotion. We might believe we can't stand this avoided emotion. Always get in contact with what blocks you from facing conflict. You will see it's not such a big thing once you confront it, feel it, and integrate it. You will marvel at how this puny emotion once blocked you from conflict.


Davis

Hi,

What is your style of handling conflict?

Do you face it and work it through or accept it if you can't change it?

Do you avoid the conflict by not talking about it? Withdrawing?

Do you procrastinate about what to do. Keep putting meetings off.

Do you just give in and give up? Surrender to your partner?


These styles impact your closeness. The face it and work through together works well. So does accepting what can't be changed as a fact of life.



Eric

Hi,

Many types of conflicts.

Repost from Ask Steve.


Aimee asks: "What are the basic categories of couple's conflicts? The areas couples are most likely to discuss their differences and find answers."

Aimee before we get to the basic categories of couple's conflicts I should mention that all couple's conflicts come in two varieties:

(1) The kind that are mutually solved to both persons' benefit. (Win-win).

(2) The variety that go unsolved, but are mutually accepted in the spirit of "We agree to disagree--no big deal. We can live it and focus on the more fun and meaningful stuff that our relationship brings."

The basic categories of couples conflicts are:

*The distance-closeness conflict. Couples usually are able to agree on how much time is spent in contact, conversation, and intimate contact. They figure out ways to be together or be apart. This conflict is usually involved in most relationships. A solvable conflict.

*Loyalty conflict. This conflict involves faithfulness and making the other person in the couple a priority. Basically no cheating. It also means keeping confidentialities and not being involved in triangulation (Talking about the mate behind their back). A solvable conflict.

*Finances conflict. This conflict is about both parties bringing money into the relationship and providing for long-term financial security through "saving for a rainy day", insurance. How much money should be available. This is usually a solvable conflict.

*Time conflict. Agreements on arrivals and meetings need to be kept. Tardiness and procrastination can be conflicts. A solvable conflict.

*Commitments. Keeping basic commitments to chores, picking up kids, arriving at dinner, going places, paying bills. Answering to obligations and expectations that both parties agree upon. A solvable problem.

*Making decisions. How decisions are made either jointly or separately. Usually a solvable challenge.

*Caring and appreciation for the other. Showing positive awareness of your mate and regard for them.
A solvable conflict.

*Order, structure, and control in the living area. Here mates may decide how living areas are to look, what contitutes tidyness, sound levels, and the like. A solvable conflict for many.

*How quality time together is to be spent. Lovemaking, reading, movies, tv, trips, dinners, shopping together, exercise, conversation. A solvable conflict.

*Deciding how conflicts will be managed. Folks decide how they will handle conflict together. Will they validate, be volatile, or conflict-avoidant. Or choose a mixed style like combining validating with conflict avoidant and finding the best ways to do that. A solvable conflict.

*Socializing. How much going out are both parties comfortable with and enjoy. Tradeoffs can be made.

*Dealing with tensions from work, inlaws. A solvable conflict.

*Level of passion and love making both parties are comfortable with. A solvable conflict.

*Important changes conflict. Birth of a child, returning to school, job changes, moving. Solvable conflicts.

*Having children. Usually a solvable conflict.

*Life style conflicts. Amount of money, living conditions, and even diet. A solvable conflict.

*Handling breaches in relationships. Affairs, lying, triangualtion, abuse. Solvable conflicts.

*Working together as a team and sharing power and influence. A solvable conflict.

*Spirituality. Conflicts over religion and approaches to spirituality. Can be resolved if both persons examine their similar or same underlying values. A potentially solvable conflict.


Take care, Steve

Hello,

If you are suffering from anger or anxiety and feel you might overwhelm someone if you talked about it while you were in conflict, you can write out what you might say with the Emotional Writing Process. This lowers the heat on what you might say. After you lower the emotional thermostat through writing, then talk to someone. It will be easier and less overwhelming for the both of you.


Julian Kammerz

Hi,

I don't think you can beat taking assertiveness training combined with exposing yourself to conflicts that you are anxious about. Repeated practice desensitizes any anxiety. Practice in real life whenever possible and in imagination.

Another help is to Emo Review other times you were involved with an anxiety provoking conflict. Keep going over and over the memory until it loses charge.


Carol Howell