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ANGER/ASSERTIVENESS LEARN-IN.
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Hello Volks,

We're going to start off our learn-in on anger/assertiveness
with an open discussion on assertiveness. Anyone can jump in.

Below is posted Steve's Tips of Assertiveness.

The Emowebby

Assertiveness Tips





ASSERTIVENESS TIPS

Assertiveness is basically the appropriate expression of desires and feelings. To understand assertiveness we better note the diference between agressive, assertive, and nonassertive behavior.

Aggressive behavior is based on demands rather than preferences. It has that absolutistic odor about it. The behavior is hostile and frequently punitive. Assertive behavior is based on preferences and wants. Those, who are assertive, will ask for changes. Nonassertive behavior can be witnessed in shyness and indirect behavior.

Most problems with assertiveness often come from anxious beliefs that block the expression of desires and feelings and our challenge with expressing ourselves either physically or with words.

Here's some assertiveness tips:

* Watch out for hostility and extreme demandingness in your requests. Even though assertiveness will boost your chances for getting your requests met, it is not a guarantee.

*We can express our feelings and criticize. Because our behavior produces consequences, there may be instances when acting assertively may be unhelpful.

* When we say "no" we better be decisive. We don't have to explain why we said no. We don't have to be apologetic. If it's appropriate, we may suggest an alternative solution.

* Role playing with a friend can be useful. Hey you can do this on an instant messenger.

* Ask for an explanation whenever you're requested to do something unreasonable.

* Be brief and prompt with your replies. Look the other person in the eyes. Speak clearly. Don't hide your mouth. No slouching or shuffling your feet.

* We are the most important persons in our world for no one else has our particular consciousness or feelings. Others would do well to see themselves in this manner for they are important to themselves. Yet we are not the centers of the universe. Expect other folks to be assertive with us.

* When criticizing, criticize behavior. Don't down the other person or negatively label them. People often respond defensively to personal attacks. However some people will even be defensive if you point out their behavior.

* Changes in behavior take practice and time. If you miss acting assertively, let go of knocking yourself.

* Use "I" statements when telling others about their behavior. "You" statements tend to impact on folks in a way that the likelihood of defensiveness is spawned.

* Know that you acted assertively even though you did not get what you wanted.

* No matter how you feel--just go ahead and act assertively. The more you act assertively, the more you will feel like it. Most times action precedes a change in feelings.

* Typical beliefs blocking assertiveness:

"It's horrible to hurt someone's feelings."

"I'm always too anxious to speak up."

"If I asserted myself they wouldn't like me."

"A woman never acts pushy."

"Others can't stand being criticized."

"I could not stand hurting anyone's feelings."

"I don't want to be thought of badly."

"Others must suffer our silence for what they said."

"They should experience guilt."

"It's hopeless to say anything--they'll never change."

"The other person is insensitive and nasty."

"I'm worthless."

"Poor me--the innocent victim/martyr/saint."

"I can't show any weakness or the other person will know they won."

"Others should automatically know what I want. They should read my mind."

*Don't waste your time trying to convince someone who does not want to be convinced.

*Ask questions about a hostile person's criticisms. This makes a critic responsible for what they say. Example: "Do I always act this way?

*Avoid apologizing for something over which you have no responsibility.

* Learn to utilize calm periods. Let others know you are willing to talk after things have calmed.

*Let others know how you feel without telling them off.

* Admit a lack of understanding.

* Be persuasive--give examples for your case.

* Ask for assistance.

* Watch out for demanding you always be assertive.

* When we believe our desires and feelings are less important than other folks' desires and feelings, we act passively.

* Assertiveness enables us to speak up, act in our best interests, get what we want without stepping on others, and be honest.

* Remember that fairness, injustice, and right imply our way is the only right way and just way. When we demand fairness we set ourself up for challenges. Likely others don't share the same view of fairness nor must they. Do labor and management ever have the same view of what is fair and just? Hardly.

* Give sincere compliments and be ready to accept them.

*Initiate meeting others and making friends.

*Process beliefs and feelings that limit your free expression.

* Speak postively of yourself to strangers. Notice some of your positive behaviors and traits.

* Make a goal of expressing yourself to others a certain number of days.

* In saying no, say no with a clear, firm, and unhesitant voice. Keep eye contact.

* In refusing requests, review your values. Repeat back the other person's rquest so they know you understood them. Be brief and firm in your refusal.

*Give compliments in terms of how you feel and believe. Let go of embroidering your compliments with absolutes or facts. Compliment something specific the person does. Example: I feel good about you cleaning my Luger collection. In taking a compliment, don't block a compliment given you. Thank the other person for their compliment.

* In giving criticism, relax and provide criticism with "I" statements. Critcize behavior not the person. Be prepared to offer a suggested behavior change and show a willingness to compromise. Open your criticism with a positve statement. Close with a positive statement. Keep tone of voice firm.

*When you experience criticism, let go of debate, defense, and attacking. Look for some grain of truth in the criticism. Ask clarifying questions: When, where, and what happened. Find a workable compromise.

Take care, Steve




Edited by: Emowebby at: 11/11/02 9:18:20 pm


Hello Emoclearians,

In a nutshell this is what assertiveness is:

"Assertiveness is basically the appropriate expression of desires and feelings. To understand assertiveness we better note the diference between agressive, assertive, and nonassertive behavior.

Aggressive behavior is based on demands rather than preferences. It has that absolutistic odor about it. The behavior is hostile and frequently punitive. Assertive behavior is based on preferences and wants. Those, who are assertive, will ask for changes. Nonassertive behavior can be witnessed in shyness and indirect behavior.

Most problems with assertiveness often come from anxious beliefs that block the expression of desires and feelings and our challenge with expressing ourselves either physically or with words." From Tips on Assertiveness by Steve Mensing


Our interactions with others can impact stressfully on us and lead to self-defeat. This is why assertiveness education is so important.

Let's take a quick quiz and see how assertive you might be.

1) You order French Onion Soup and they bring out Escarole. How would you respond?

2) Your date shows up an hour late. How would you respond?

3) Someone cuts in front of you in line at the bank. How would you respond?

4) You get short changed 5 bucks at the Super 10 supermarket. How would you respond?

5) You ask for 8 bucks worth of gas at the station. The attendent loads the tanks and ask for $12.50. How would you respond?


Examine your responses. Did you stand up for yourself? Did you come across hostile or did you keep your mouth shut?

Read on.

Dan Canepa



Hello:

Here are the first topics--let's get them defined-

What is Aggressive or hostile behavior?

What is Assertive behavior?

What is unassertive behavior?




Max Venhoven

Hello,

What's aggressive or hostile behavior?

Aggressive or hostile behavior is demanding and commanding. It's anchored in shoulds, musts, and have got to's. It can be yelling, cursing, pushing, hitting, name calling, abusiveness, or physically putting yourself forward in an angry and demanding way. Aggressive and hostile behavior is punitive and get even behavior. With aggressive and hostile behavior a person acts out physically or becomes verbally abusive. You down the person verbally instead of their behavior. Aggressive or hostile behavior is spoken, yelled or physically acted out.

Aggressive or hostile behavior can complaining, blaming, or calculatingly manipulative. Mean spirited gossip can be seen as hostility.

Someone's feelings are not taken into consideration with hostile behavior.

Aggressive and hostile behavior may get short-term results in that someone might give into you. It tends to make enemies and alienate others in the long haul.

Examples-

Screaming at somone.
Cursing at someone.
Pushing, punching, or physically abusing someone.
Commanding someone to do something.
Name calling and other downing.
Gossiping about someone to make them look bad.
Making fun of someone.
Deliberately trying to hurt someone's feelings.
Jumping ahead of someone.



Kendra


Emoclearians:

Assertive behavior is the appropriate expression of preferences, desires, and standing up for your rights.
It's also expressing your personal likes and dislikes as well as being able to talk about yourself unselfconsciously. You can accept compliments, disagree openly, ask for clarification, and say no.
If you're assertive you feel comfortable in interpersonal situations. You can empathize with another. You can remind another of their previous promises. You can state the consequences of a future behavior and provide information about your own feelings. You can describe what you believe is a misbehavior. If you are angry or frustrated with someone, that is the person you directly confront.


Clark


Hello,

What is unassertive behavior?

Unassertive behavior is seen in anxious, avoidant, indirect, and passive aggressive behavior. Shyness is a typical unassertive behavior. You give way to socalled "authority". You give in too easily and keep it to yourself. There's an underlying sense that you're weak or inferior and the other person is powerful and correct.

James Detweiler


Hello,

Let's dig deeper into hostility. Not only is not being assertive, it's what gives anger a bad name.

Hostility can be seen in--

Name calling.

Put downs & personal attack.

Sarcasm.

Gossiping.

Physically abusing someone.

Shoving people out of your way.

Being self-centered in traffic and cutting people off.

Being extremely demanding.


Some of the reasons why hostility isn't a good move is because--

It alienates others and limits social contact.

It can contribute to cardiovascular disease.

People will fight back when demands are put on them or they are abused.

Increased risk of being physically assaulted if an aggressive person confronts another aggressive person.

Elevated blood pressure and risk of stroke.

Lowered immune system and the higer risk of developing life threatening disease.

More prone to alcohol abuse, smoking, and overeating.



Carol Howell


Hello all,

Sometimes with aggressive and hostile behavior not only is demandingness and negative other labeling present (You shouldn't cut me off in traffic--you're a %$#&@!), but also is making yourself right and the other person wrong. In hostility/aggressiveness you see yourself as superior and the other person as inferior.


Peter Warren


Hello Emoclearians,

How do you deal with hositility?

You can deal with it a number of ways from what I can see.

You can learn substitute behaviors such as asserting yourself in a non-hostile way. Like come more from preferences and wants. If you're spelling out a demand you don't get into this negative labeling bs.

This might be harder for us testosterone giants.

Integrating stuck anger or the feelings and beliefs that fuel up hostility helps.

The Pattern Tree is a doozy for digging into hostile behavior. You can clip back on the urges--intentions--the beliefs--take the hostile spin off the feelings. You can tamper with the patterns as you see fit. The full head of steam can be worked through.

The Habit cracker can nail the urges.


Practicing new behaviors in an angry state is important. Hostility is a state dependent behavior so when you practice it with visualization--make sure you're steamed up. Then visualize yourself being assertive instead of being hostile. Do your clearing or integrating first.

Nick Abruzzi




Greetings:

In unassertive or passive behavior there are often underlying self-defeating assumptions. These are typical:

You shouldn't make errors and you should be ashamed of them.

It's self-centered to put your desires and needs before other.

Never take up someone else's time with your problems.

You need not express your hurt, pain, or feelings to others. They don't want to hear it.

Never contradict the views of others especially if they're in authority.

No need to change anything, don't raise a fuss.

Your feelings are wrong--you'll just embarass yourself if you defend them.

You must listen to anyone offering you advice.

Your not a nice person if you don't answer or explain.

You should automatically help anyone in trouble.

Block compliments and be modest or you'll look like a showoff.

Avoid being defensive and protesting bad treatment.

Never change your mind--that would make you inconsistant.


Liz



Hello,

What are the core beliefs of assertiveness?


Bonny Keats


Hello,

These are some of the core beliefs of the assertiveness training movement:

You can make errors.

You can put yourself number one.

You are the most important person.

You can defend yourself and protest poor treatment.

You can change your mind.

You don't need to take advice.

You can give advice.

You are the final arbiter of your feelings and thoughts.

You can interrupt someone and request clarification.

You can have your own opinions and you can freely give them.

You can feel and express anger.

You can feel and express pain.

You can negotiate for what you want.

You can avoid explaining yourself or even responding.

You can toot your own horn.

You can say no and not have to explain yourself.

You can accept that others may not always approve of you, but you can still approve of yourself.

You can remain alone even if others want your company.

You can accept compliments and recognition.

You do not have to justify your actions.

You can hang up on an unsolicited phone call.

You do not have to meet others expectations, needs, and desires.

You are not responsible for someone else's feelings, thoughts, or behavior.



Carol Howell




Hi,

You can strengthen the above "assertive core beliefs" by doing either of the following:

1)State the assertive core belief firmly while tapping on your third eye point to keep the assertive core belief locked in. If any counter beliefs, counter intentions, or doubt appear either clear or integrate them with your favorite Emoclear clearing or integrating process. Then visualize the situations where you would want the assertive core belief to appear. State it again and tap your third eye point. See if any counter beliefs, counter intentions or doubts appear. If they do then clear or integrate what shows up. This will guarantee you have installed the assertive core belief in its proper state. Visualize the behavior that would accompany the assertive core belief. Clear and integrate any counter beliefs, counter intentions, or doubts that show up with your assertive behavior.

2) Use the Emo Reviewer to take the charge off of a memory where you were not assertive. Then do 1) while you install your assertive core belief and assertive behavior.


Mirika Chen


Hello Emoclearians,

I wanted to mention that assertiveness impacts on our emotional lives. The inability to assert yourself can lead to not speaking up for your desires and needs or becoming aggressive. This can lead to a sense of powerlessness and a loss of control over your life.
This can feed sadness and depression. If you act hostily this can drive others away and limit your supports.

Assertiveness is so important because this kind of communications helps you get what you want and stop what you don't want. It's easy to see how not having this ability can block you and lead to stuck emotions like depression, anger, resentment, and anxiety.


Brenda McKinney

Hello,

I wanted to toss in a 4 step process that Sharon Bower wrote about in a book called "Assert Yourself":

1)D-DESCRIBE. Describe cooly and with no evaluation--exactly what's bothering you. Never exaggerate. Don't employ always when you mean twice.

2)E-EXPRESS. Express how whatever it is makes you feel. No accusing. No evaluating the other person. Identify with the feeling you have.

3)S-SPECIFY. Specify exactly what you want the person to do.

4)C-CONSEQUENCE. Finish by saying what you will do if the other person doesn't comply. Be specific and accurate. No threatening. No bluffing.


Nina Kanis


Greetings all:

Here are some potential situation targets for when assertiveness is useful or required. How do you feel in these situations? What do you say and how do you act?

1. When you want to make your opinions known or you differ with another.

2. When you express politeness.

3. Putting forth a plan.

4. Requesting assistance.

5. Requesting help or cooperation.

6. Mentioning an irritation or annoyance.

7. When making a query.

8. Requesting a favor.

9. Saying how you feel.

10. Responding to another's thoughts or feelings.

11. Handling someone who is angry or uncooperative.

12. Bargaining or negotiating for something important.

13. Speaking up before groups.

14. Lodging a complaint about poor service or being short changed.

15. When you want to say "no".

16. When you make an inquiry.

17. When you take control.

18. Requesting service or directions.

19. When you request a date.

20. Receiving a compliment.

21. Handling criticism or rejection.


Albert Venhoven





With whom do you have the most trouble asserting yourself? Who are you the most liable to become hostile and aggressive with? Who are you going to passively aggress?

Friends?
Employers and supervisors?
Teachers?
Groups?
Strangers?
Youngsters?
Husband or wife?
Casual acquaintances?
Sales personnel?
People of the same or opposite sex?
Parents?
Brothers or sisters?


Clark

Hello:

If you want to practice assertiveness there are two excellent ways besides day to day experience. You can role play with someone you know or you can visualize from start to finish times when you will have to be assertive. You can clear or integrate feelings that limit your assertiveness.

Some possible assertiveness situations-

Asking for help.
Requesting that someone listen.
Saying no.
To ask for love making.
Requesting a raise.
Remanding someone.
Supervising someone.
Connecting with people you believe to be rejecting.
Ask questions during a job inteview.
Let someone know you did not approve of what they did.


John Gastly




Hello Emoclearians,

Here's some standard tricks for dealing with persons who will test your assertiveness.

Hard sell salesman-
"Not buying today--just browsing/just looking."

Nagging or broken record type-
"I'm doing it/Not backing off on this/Nagging turns me off/Not interested/No thanks-I'm rushed for time."

Delaying someone pushy-
"Let me think about it/I'm witholding my decision/we'll discuss this later."

Specifying question-
"You don't like or want _________. What specifically do you desire here or what disturbed you?"

Handling a putdown artist with disarming methods-
"You're correct--I did do _________/Right you are--I acted ___________/.

Finding a kernal of truth-
"You're correct about _________. I am often/frequently/sometimes _____________/"There's some truth there in what you're saying. (Repeat back what they said, but rephrase it so their statement is less absolute. Often/frequently/sometimes.


Julian Kammerz




Greets all,

Assertive ways of dealing with being blocked.

If someone responds to your assertive request with a blaming response, you come back with:

1. An agreeing statement "Yes this is true". followed by:

2. A parry: "But, you do the same regularly." or any statement to the contrary.

Fred Tellford

The anger/assertiveness learn-in.
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Hello,

Yet another excellent pattern breaker for working with hositility, aggressiveness, passive aggression, and rage behavior is the Habit Cracker.

Habit Cracker

WARNING: Folks with a history of mental illness, trauma, or panic are urged not to use these techniques without a trained energy therapist. If you decide to do these processes you will agree to absolve the webmaster, his server, and Steve Mensing of any responsibility for the application or misapplication of these processes. Although there are many safety features built into these processes and they have been tested and evaluated, there is always in any process the fraction of possibility that someone could experience some discomfort. So proceed with this warning.

If you've ever done mindfulness on your emotionally driven habits you'll become aware of the pattern that keeps your habit in motion. Within an habitual pattern are sequences of emotionally driven impulse, intention, and behavior. If we closely attend to an emotionally driven pattern we will begin to note each segment clearly. In noticing these segments and acknowleging them in action we begin to notice a clear point for a possible intervention.

To unseat an emotionally driven habit you might want to experiment with the Habit Cracker Exercise which first brings our awareness to the habitual pattern and then focuses on the moment between intention and impulse to act.

THE HABIT CRACKER EXERCISE

(1) Prior to bringing your full and relaxed attention to an emotionally driven habit, place two fingers in the notch below your nose. This first maneuver may help bring about a clear and attentive awareness.

(2) Bring your full and relaxed attention to your chosen emotionally driven habit. Watch it clearly from start to finish. Do this several times prior to intervention. You may observe this behavior with no intention of getting rid of it or keeping it. Just give it your full and undivided attention.

(3)Become aware of your initial intention to act. What is your intention. Can you write it down once during your observation?

(4)Observe the moment between your intention to act and the actual impulse to act. Give your full attention to this split second prior to the impulse to act.

(5) Observe the impulse to act. This impulse flows mindlessly from an emotion (anger, anxiety, fear, sadness etc).

(6) Observe the impulse driven action. In bringing our attention to the intention, the moment between intention and the impulse to act,the impulse to act, and the action, we are observing the emotionally driven pattern. This conscious awareness on this automatic sequence can help to break the emotionally driven pattern. The break is best brought about at the start of a sequence pattern.

(7) When you have begun to note the split second moment between your initial intention and the impulse to act, then you can simply choose to do nothing or choose to do something else. We have a choice at this valuable point. We can choose not to act or we can choose to do something else.

Tips on the Habit Cracker Exercise:

*Practice bringing your awaressness to the 4 basic sequences of impulse driven behavior. Know them clearly.

*Do the observation with no intention of getting rid of or keeping the behavior. Your attention at the start is just to note what occurs. This will put you "just back" from this emotionally driven sequence.

*Pay attention to that split second interval between your intention and your arising impulse to act. Practice doing nothing or some other action in that instant before the impulse arises. You can physically go through this or visualize this sequence to allow it to feel more natural in time.

*Practicing this awareness and new responses will help pull us to an outside position so we will not be caught up in the emotionally driven sequence.

*We can also consciously label each of the segments to bring it under more conscious control and assure the "just back" position. Example: "Intention" "Moment before impulse" "Impulse to act" "Action"

*This approach can be added to our tool kit for handling impulse driven actions like: Acting angrily, panicking, eating impulsively.

*You might clear or integrate the common segments in your observed habitual sequence. The intention can be altered. The emotion that the impulse arises out of can be targeted.

*Be aware of any emotional response that arises out of your short-circuited behavior. This would be grist for integrating or clearing.

Hi all,

Hello Emoclears,

Be aware that hostility, aggressiveness, passive aggressiveness, and rage present these difficulties:

-Effect your health and has been shown to be detrimental to heart health.
-Hurts relations with others.
-Reduces your social support system.
-Leads to job loss.
-Leads to problems with the legal system.
-Makes someone appear immature and out of control.
-Shuts down intimacy.
-Invites counter attacks.
-Leads to tension headaches.
-Raises blood pressure.
-Blocks solution finding.
-Makes creativity more difficult.
-Causes accidents.
-Creates long-term hate and blaming.
-Creates insomnia and stress.

The negatives are strong here. Consider them as motivating factors in clearing and changing these self-defeating behaviors.

Fred Tellford


Emoclearians:

Rage and hostility can become compulsive. Some persons get and stay angry as an unconscious way to block other feelings. This compulsion can be used as a form of mood change. Persons who are caught up with rage find this behavior extremely difficult to control. They experience an overwhelming need to rage and tantrum. Often persons, with this compulsion, are preoccupied with imagery of wrongs and revenge. The anger here feels righteous and just. When someone withdraws briefly from compulsive rage they often report a sense of something missing--like they are not themselves.

Like any compulsion there are feelings that are being blocked from awareness. These have to be felt and integrated.

John Gastly

Morning,

Some short-term ways to handle excessive anger and blow ups is to do the following.

1) Take a time out. Step back or step out. Excuse yourself when the lid boiling.

2) If you find yourself interrupting--don't. Learn to listen. This takes practice. Visualization can set down the imprint.

3) Avoid the cold stare routine or the eye roll.

4) Stop cussing or muttering explitives under your breath. This only tosses gas on the fire. Find alternative statements.

5) Quit name-calling, personal attack, threatening.
Find alternative behaviors and practice them.

6) Stop shouting and change your voice tone. Find alternatives.

7) End finger jabbing and pointing.

8) Quit breaking dishes, furniture, wall punching, door slamming.

9) Cut out lectures and monologues.

10) Quit sarcasm.


Tom Cuthbertson


Hello,

Another thing to avoid entirely is getting in your car when you're truly pissed off. There's this road rage thing which has become big in the news the last few years. Guys get in there car and speed or cut people off. Cars are dangerous weapons. People have been killed by people going off in their cars. If you speed when you're fired off--don't. Stay away from the car until you've chilled out.

Nick Abruzzi


Hello,

There are times when strong feelings that lead to aggressiveness, hostility, or even rage show up. It helps to develop a method for restraint. A failsafe method to hold back. Counting to ten. Relaxing your jaw and tongue. Taking a time out are good shortterm methods. The long term methods are to clear or integrate these areas, to reshape these behavior patterns with method like the Pattern Tree, Habit Cracker etc., and to install assertiveness behaviors in their place.

Brenda McKinney

Hi,

If you tend to play the blame game, notice how many possible causes are at work in what happened. This makes blaming one thing difficult. You can use different viewpoints to notice the many possible cuases there are.
Blame deflates when you see numerous causes.

Give thought to "my way or the highway" and how it heightens your demands.

How can you accept being wrong?

Alyce Waters

Hello:

In the areas of hate and resentment see about fostering forgiveness.

On the process page at www.Emoclear.com is the
"Forgiveness Exercise". This can unglue stuck resentment and hate which hurt the person hanging onto them.


Nina Kanis


Hello Emoclearians:

The Forgiveness Exercise


***Warning***This process is not to be used with mental illness, severe trauma, or panic. Those challenges are best handled in a stationary position and with neurovascular abreaction protections or with energy only work with a trained professional. You are only permitted to use this process if you agree to dissolve Steve Mensing, the webmasters, and the web host of any responsibility for the application or misapplication of this process.

FORGIVENESS

Accepting ourselves, others, and circumstances negatively impacting on us is a fairly challenging task for many of us. To remain accepting, loving and open often doesn't come easy. Hate and resentment can feel natural, yet as we mature these qualities often reveal who they really hurt the most: us.

Unless we act out our hate and resentment toward others, we never really touch others with those emotions. To believe otherwise is a form of magical thinking. We feel those feelings not the persons we hate or resent.

The process of overcoming hate and resentment and drawing on forgiveness can open us to pain and free our spontaneous acceptance and love.

THE FORGIVENESS EXERCISE

(1) LEFT NASAL DOMINANCE BREATHING. For the entirety of this exercise gently pinch your right nostril shut and breathe through your left nostril only. Place your right thumb on over your right nostril and insert the next two fingers into the notch between your nose and upper lip. This will facilitate imagery and feeling.

(2) Is there a person(s), yourself, or an event you would desire to forgive? Jot down who or what it is on a piece of paper. What beliefs about this person(s), myself or event create my feelings of hate and resentment. Examine those beliefs you jotted down and then move to the next step.

(3) If another person(s) were involved, what were the influences of their beliefs, feelings, and behaviors on the circumstances that led to my chosing to hate or resent these persons?
Would I have acted the same as that person(s) if I had the exact same beliefs, motivations, and feelings as they did under mirror conditions? Would I have made the same choices given their inner life and external circumstances? Basically we are stepping into another's shoes here and assuming their viewpoint. Spend some time with this step.

(4) Can I find other elements to blame other than myself, somone else, or circumstances?
Jot down a potential list of other potential targets for blame. Weather. Bad food. Gravity. Having wrong information. Turns in highway. Can you blame the entire universe or just let go of blame altogether?

(5) Was the transgression that the person or yourself did--was it intentional or unintentional?

(6) Suddenly an alteration in time occurred to your surprise. You are looking back from 10 years in the future and you are noting you have already accepted and forgiven yourself, others, or circumstances which you once hated and resented. What would you notice first about your accepted and forgiven self, other, or circumstances? What other positive things would you notice? How might you feel better?

(7) If you abruptly experienced forgiveness and acceptance for another or yourself, how long would that take before it felt natural? How would you know the forgiveness felt natural?

(8) Take your palm and gently percuss 30 times the webbing between your thumb and next two fingers while you say aloud with conviction: "I forgive _____________."

(9) If there is any stuck hate or resentment they can be targets for clearing.


Copyright Steve Mensing



Hello,

Consider the effect of diet, sleep, coffee, and drinking/substance abuse has on hostility, rage, aggression, and passive aggression.

It's said that heavy coffee drinking, 4 or more cups per day, can contribute to rage, hostility, irritibility. This is because of crashing blood sugar.
By cutting back on java you may make it easier for you to not fly off the handle.

Persons drinking and having hangovers the next day are well known for their stormy dispositions. This too owes itself to blood sugar drops. Drunks too are noted for being fiesty.

Not getting enough sleep can make someone more irritiable and prone to hostility and agression.

Uppers, when they wear off, lead to crashes where the person abusing them is far less than even tempered.

Abuse of simple carbs has been linked to blood sugar crashes. Some types of diabetes has been linked to excessive anger and irritibility.


Dan Canepa


Hello,

For those dealing with envy based hostility they might consider using the Envy Drills.

Envy Drills

WARNING: Folks with a history of mental illness, trauma, or panic are urged not to use these processes without a trained energy therapist. If you decide to do these processes you will agree to absolve the webmaster, his server, and Steve Mensing of any responsibility for the application or misapplication of these processes. Although there are many safety features built into these processes and they have been tested and evaluated, there is always in any process the fraction of possibility that someone could experience some discomfort. So proceed with this warning.


Envy is when we compare ourselves to others or compare our accomplishments to other folk's accomplishments. This envy maybe laced with bad intentions where we wish bad things to happen to those persons we envy. Envy is fueled by our negative-self view and negative intentions. If we accept ourselves, we don't spend much time comparing ourselves with other people. We wish them a good and abundant life. Comparison and negative intentions leads us to dislike others or to self-hate. When we envy, we often wish others hard times and knock how they achieved their success. Here the underlying belief holds that others' success takes away from our own. These beliefs and intentions may be in part the product of a competitive childhood and the modeling of negative intentions.

Negative intentions bring harm to their holder.

The control of intention is a very key ingredient to living an enjoyable, fullfilling, and a less conflicted life.

Some tips on envy:

Envy is often linked with coveting someone else's possessions and recognition. Acknowledge this error and be prepared to exchange covetous beliefs for more beliefs driven by positive intentions. Recognize the many good things we already have. Allow contentment to multiply. Focus on the good and beneficial and see how you might be more charitable to others.

*Experience those states of consciousness that allow you to know of your deeper connection to socalled others.

*See what you have, not what you lack. Wish what you have on others who are a part of your greater self.

Two Envy Drills:

The Tibetan Envy Drill:

This drill is based in part on an ancient Tibetan Meditation on sympathetic joy. An outstanding version of it can be found on P. 213 in "Words of My Perfect Teacher" by Patrul Rinpoche. Here's my spin on it with left nasal breathwork and a hearthold.

TIBETAN ENVY DRILL

(1) Pinch your right nostril shut with your right thumb and place your next two fingers in the notch beneath your nose. Breathe through your left nostril only during the duration of this drill.

(2) While continueing the facial hold and breathing, place your left palm over your heart.

(3)Allow yourself to visualize with all of your 5 senses someone you strongly admire and see them with all their wonderful possessions and accomplishments.
When you can really see and feel this admirable scene, wish them even more success and good fortune. Visualize it and experience it with all your senses. Really feel the good fortune. Build on even that scene by creating even more good fortune until the good feelings about it are almost overwhelming.

(4) Now do what you just did in step 3 for someone you are indifferent about.

(5) Now choose people you envy and dislike or who are even enemies and do step three with them as well. Build the intensity of the visualization by adding in all your senses.

(6) Allow yourself to bask in the strong positive experiences as you dwell on these persons growing good fortunes. Note how much better the experience of preferring good fortune for others feels than harboring envy and malice. This exercise will help uproot envy.

TRANSFORMATIONAL ENVY DRILL

Ask yourself the following questions and respond to them with what you will do and feel. If envy has been a challenge, you may want to ask yourself these questions either twice in the morning or twice in the evening at a set time. Steady practice with these questions can bring about the changes you desire.

(1)After you recognize you are multi-faceted, what positive and neutral qualities will you recognize in yourself?

(2) When you notice your positive attributes and successes, how might you draw a picture of them or would you rather write an essay about them?

(3)As soon as you recognize and accept your envious feelings, how might you notice what is good and right with you?

(4) When you imagine the good things others have, how might you imagine your positive intentions toward them growing?

(5) When you imagine the good things that others have multiplying, how might you wish them well and really feel that?

(6)After you hope and wish for the successes of others, what good things might you do for yourself.

(7) When you recognize others are apart of your your universe and are formed of the same energy as you, how might you experience that in consciousness? What if you peeled the label conciousness off both you and them?

(8) The moment you let go of comparing yourself to others, how might you wish them complete success and really feel that at the heart level?



Copyright Steve Mensing


Repost

Hello,

Typical areas where hostility, aggressiveness, rage, and passive aggressive behavior show up-

-being rushed by someone.
-being cut off in traffic.
-being endangered in anyway.
-someone screws up your project.
-being critiiczed or personally attacked.
-being physically assualted or shoved.
-being ignored or avoided.
-being put down in public.
-being interrupted.
-getting rude service.
-someone breaks an appointment or shows up late.
-someone spreading gossip about you.
-someone breaks a promise.
-being woken up ahead of time.
-barking dogs when you're sleeping.
-having something borrowed without your permission.
-someone damges your possessions.
-being forced to wait when you're in a hurry.
-unwarented traffic ticket.
-someone violates your space.


Carl Stohle



Hi,


--You can physically bring down the intensity of your anger or hostility by communicating your anger in a slow-softer voice. Other people are more likely to get your communication that way. Everyone's been in the situation where the angry person lowers his tone and speaks softly. People become all ears. The communication is sent and received.

Dave Cohen


Emoclearians:

See how hostile you can get hollering "You multi-faceted person you! I prefered you didn't do that"

Seriously changing the self-defeating styles of anger to assertiveness is where it's at. This can be accomplished by engineering your demands back to wants and preferences--seeing the other guy as more than a one dimensional label.

Anger's not the problem--hostility and aggression are. Also cover the physical components that toss gas on anger. Not eating right, sleeping right, boozing and over using coffee.

Clark



Hello,

Over a year's gone by since we added anything to the very important topic of dealing with anger and assertiveness. New Processes are with us now which may further enhance ability to handle anger and be assertive. Anyone troubled by anger, rage, hostility, agressiveness, even social anxiety will be interested in this area.

Jump in with any topics dealing with assertiveness/anger.


Deana


Reposted by Bonny Keats


What do you do for anger that stays and stays?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello CrossTown, Anger that stays lengthy times is often resentment based. Allowing yourself to completely experience it instead of attempting to get rid of it helps. The process page has beux coux integrator and emotional processes which allow strong and lasting emotions to be reintegrated, lose their emotional charge, give up their emotional information.
Emo Expsoure-Integrator. Heartbeat Integrator. Emo Reviewer. Emotional Writing Process.

Sometimes forgiveness is needed. There is a forgiveness exercise that helps with long standing anger. See the posts too on grief because some long standing anger can be a part of grieving.

There's an Anger, Assertiveness Learn-in with many ideas from the Emoclear community.

Aaron Kallish



Hi Crosstown,

A week or two ago there was a thread on using the empty chair method. That's good for surfacing anger targets during a talk with the person you're angry with.

Ganjeeli



Hello,

Part of anger sometimes can be projection. Here the Emoclear community discusses using the Empty Chair Method for bringing up projection and fantasies. The Empty chair can also be a worthwhile assertiveness training practice.

Bonny Keats

Good day all,

Desire to start a discussion on using Emoclear integrators with "Empty Chair" work. A pairs approach with your split off self if you will.

Shalom, Hannoch


Hello Hannoch,

The gestalt empty chair method is very good for picking out any projecting we're doing. Here's a thread on projection.

Janice Curtin


How do you overcome projections onto others?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello all,

How does someone overcome projecting thoughts and feelings onto others? Believing they think and feel about you what you actually think and feel about them? In some situations you might project personas onto other people.

Any methods for detecting this transfer? Any methods for correcting it?

Richard Karch


Hello Richard,

good question. How does someone begin to see their own process projected onto others?

Give yourself time to observe what's being put onto others. What is being strongly disliked in others often points out what's happening in us. Overly strong dislikes might be a hint. Thinking I know what another feels or believes without asking hints that projection is going on.

What emotions might you strongly reject in others? Possible hint. What beliefs might you strongly reject in others? What behaviors or impulses might you strongly reject in others? Hints.

Anger, hate, jealousy, envy are said to be among the most projected emotions. Be wary if you're accusing others of being angry, hateful, or envious. It could be the mote in your eye.
Cheating, aggression, lying are said to be among the most projected behaviors. Many people, who do these things, do not own them. It's easier to see in others.

A method to plug into projection is the empty chair technique. You create a person that you dislike or even hate. You experience them in the opposite chair, then read their mind and feelings. This points out projections.

Before someone can clear or integrate projected thoughts, impulses, or feelings, they have to re-own them. They have to feel the feelings as their own. They have to think the thoughts as their own. They have to experience the impulses as their own. Then they can clear or integrate them like they would any other feelings.

Julian Kammerz


Greetings Richard & Julian:

To notice a projection is not easy. Some may be Personality Clusters which are highly resisted and often hidden from immediate awareness.

If someone is adventursome they can find their projected identities/Personality Clusters by locating them.

The Personality Cluster Finder is a practical tool. That is found on Emoclear.com.

Another way is to give your attention to your experience of others. Think of someone you dislike or hate maybe. Put your attention on a memory of them.
Perhaps notice what is familiar about them and some feelings and thoughts in you. Perhaps situations you have been in. Perhaps you can begin to experience the resisted identity/Personality Cluster.

When you have relaxed and loose grip on this identity/Personality Cluster ask this question--

You are in a motion picture of your life. With this identity/role you are experiencing, what kind of persons would be required to act out the other roles in your screen play?

This can bring up other identities and projections.

Albert Venhoven



Hello Kahli,

If you know you are doing distorting with others you might try imaginal methods where you visualize that person in an empty chair across from you like they did in some of the older therapies. Visualize that person with the Rhythmic Chant Visualization until that person becomes near real. Then experiece your feelings toward them. These are targets for integration. Your beliefs about that person are also targets for integration if they are distorted. It's these belief that warp what we experience with others.

Memory review work on memories of people you distort will lead back to where the distortions began.

Alyce Waters



Ask yourself if someone reminds you of someone else.
That's the tipoff. If they do and you have strong charge on someone in your past, that person in your past ought to be processed in an event review. That will make you less distorted in the present.

Tom Cuthbertson



Hello Emoclearians,

Some of the key ideas in learning assertiveness are--

Know what your preferences, needs, and legal rights are and know the difference between them and what's unreasonable. Making an inventory of common preferences, needs, and rights are brings them to awareness.

Make an inventory of feeling states which get in the way of getting your preferences, needs, and rights known to others. They are grist for practice.

Learn how you can tell others about your feelings and intimate thoughts. See the Tips on this subject on Emoclear.com. Learn how to speak from "I" and avoid "you" statements because they often spark defensiveness in others. Practice these approaches with friends and by yourself. Learn how to link your feelings with the other persons behavior. Example:
"I feel good when you carry out the garbage."

When making requests use no more than one or two short and focused sentances.

Avoid mind reading or jumping to conclusions about what the other person thinks or feels. Avoid telling others what their motives or agendas are. It shuts down cooperative dialogs.

Avoid absolutizing- always, never, all the time, forever, totally, ect.

Gain feedback and clarity. "Could you give me some specfifics or details about this?"

Do not knock the other person's personality or character. Sarcasm shuts down exchanges.

Dave Cohen
Hello all,

The basic ground rules of assertiveness:


No one has to give a reason for what they do.

Change our thoughts about something.

Tell others we wish to be left alone.

Request a compromise.

We can say no to anyone's request or demand.

Request people to do us favors.

If we err, we take responsibility for that error.

Request that other hear us out.

To say no to manipulation.

Choose to provide an argument to what's being said.

Ask someone to correct their mistakes with us.

Decide what's good for us.

Choose our jobs, friends, spiritualities, and what we'll eat.

Tell other what we think and feel.


Carol Howell






Hello Emoclearians,

Make a list of your largest anxieties and fears about asserting yourself. Losing respect? Fear of a confrontation or physical confrontation?

Voice tone, body language, facial expression, physical appearance, and physical gesture impact on the listeners.


Kendra



Good day all,

Assertivness training teaches.

To employ specific facts and not judgements. Ex- 'You need to make your bed, put your clothes in the bin, and get your shoes in the closet' not 'you're room's a hellhole mess'.

Own your opinions, beliefs, and feelings. 'I am frustrated when you come home late." not 'She makes me frustrated whem she comes home late.'

Make requests pointed and with little room for them to say no. Stay away from 'Would you care to?' 'Is it possible?'

Keep repeating the same requests when asked for an explanation or if the other person attempts to argue. All manipulations fall on deaf ears. Keep repeating the same request no matter what they say. You want what you want and that's it.

Agree with the other party about their point of view, but keep up your point of view and your behavior as being true for you.

If someone is trying to switch topics on you or is using humor to undermine your statements, come back by asking to get back on subject. 'Ha, ha--let's get to what we were discussing.'

Hannoch

Hello,

A problem solution tree for "saying no"

+If you're unclear about whether you want to say yes or no, tell the person you require time to consider.
Let them know when you'll know.

+Ask for more information if you're unsure about a request.

+Give a very brief reason for refusing something. Elabotate reasons and justifications are footholds for others to try to argue you out of a position.

+Use a terse "no" because it's got power and back it up with body gestures that mean "no". No smiling. No nodding. Folded arms work with a head shake "no".

+"I made my decision." "I won't." These point that you made a choice and that's it.

+Be prepared to say no several times before you're heard. Change the topic or say "That's it--I'm ending this conversation." You've got that option.

+No need to feel guilt or remorse over saying no. You're not responsibile for how other feel.

Peter Warren


Hello,

Your physical stance and voice can undo your assertiveness. Stand up to assert yourself. Be very clear and audible and avoid a soft or whiney voice.

Bettina Kohler

Hi,

Acting and talking assertively while it raises the chances of you getting good treatment, it does not guarantee it. Why? Other people want and need things too.

Your assertiveness doen't guarantee to solve your difficulties, that others will not be aggressive or hostile, or that you'll always get your requests met.
Assertiveness raises the chances. Not asserting yourself leads the higher chances of conflicts and not getting your preferences and needs met.

Love, Mirika Chen

Hello Emoclearians:

An important rule in assertiveness. Assert yourself as soon as you realize you need to do so. Sometimes some of us are unsure of our feelings at the time of an incident. It's difficult to assert yourself then and there. Don't wait too long. Several days later may be too late. If you need to assert yourself after thinking something over, see the person directly.

Nina Kanis


Hi all,

If you desire to offer an opinion you say:

I believe that xxxxxx.
My thoughts on this are xxxxxxxx.

If you desire to challenge someone's thinking on a matter:

I don't agree with your idea because xxxxxxx.
I sympathetic with your first point, but the second xxxx.

If you only want to enter the discussion and you have no contrary opinion, then paraphrase other people's statements or find parts of their opinion to agree with. Ask clarifying questions.

Sometimes people are tense about entering an existing conversation. Go ahead and do it. Listen, nod, give your attention to others in the conversation. Provide a yes or uh-huh. When a pause in the conversation appears, raise your voice or clear your throat to let others know your willingness to speak. Physically step into the group or lean forward. Simple entry statements like naming a person's name or saying: "Do you mind if I join in?" "Interesting conversation. I caught part of it."

If interrupted, simply raise your voice slightly. This let's other know you wish to finish what you're saying. Repeat your last statement. Continue to speak without hesitating. Look only at those who were previously listening. Ignore the person interrupting.
If the interrrupter continues to interrupt, ask them politely to hold their thoughts, you desire to finish.
If the interruption is a question, consider if it should be answered immediately or tell them to hold the question.

Richard Karch





Hello Emoassertians,

More ideas on assertiveness-

Avoid faking agreement with someone you disagree with to keep the peace. Nodding, smiling, giving the appearance of attentive listening when you're not feeling that way is not assertiveness and gives people the wrong impression of where you stand. Be prepared to switch the subject. Appear disinterested. Look away. Check your watch. If you feel in strong disagreement, then disagree. Speak up and speak your mind. You're important.

If you want to share something about yourself, do it.
Learn to toot your own horn. No one else will do it for you. If you're going for a raise, you will need to toot your own horn loud and clear. You don't have to monologue or monopolize a conversation about your favorite subject. You do need sometimes to talk yourself up.

When you asked to do something unreasonable or unenjoyable, ask for the reasons. You need not accept anything you don't prefer. You're an adult with rights and boundaries. You come first. Insist upon a rational explanation. Make them convince you it's in your interest to do the task.

Alyce Waters


Hello Emoclearians,

Strong feelings and aggressive behavior come on fast. Not so fast they can't be sidetracked or put off.

Biting your tongue gently and counting to 10 is effective technique if you need something stop gap until you've restructered aggressive reactions with the Habit Cracker or Pattern Tree. The Shrunken head also stops quick burn like it stops overwhelm. The hands can be rubbed briskly behind your back or on your sides. That stops high arousal breifly. Feel it too.

When criticized or threatened some of us tend to react aggressively. The key is not to get swept up in a pattern. Sometimes the other person says something that you react to with a Personality Cluster. If you can hold off for that stop gap 5 to 15 seconds to cool down, you can avert letting them have it. You might excuse yourself by saying: "I'm too angry right now. Let's talk later." Even a few deep breaths may some before you express what you want.


Jayne Burgos
Hi all,

You sometimes will not act assertively. You may forget or you may not wish to go to the bother. You can accept yourself and not knock yourself if you forget or don't bother. It's unneeded to be assertively perfect or to assert yourself all the time.

Be aware of pressuring yourself or "shoulding" yourself to be assertive. This makes it stressful and you might even resist being assertive when you're under pressure from yourself.

Kendra


Hello Emoclearians,

Assertiveness is expressing your feelings, beliefs, and thoughts in a direct and open manner. Your behavior matches your assertive words. You are not violating the other person's right to assert themselves. You respect the wants and needs of others as well as your own.

Aggressiveness and hostility is when you express your feelings and opinions in ways that knock and putdown the other person. It also includes acting in a physically agressive manner. Striking, pushing, or getting in someone's face. There is no respect for the wants and needs of others.

Non-assertive behavior is when you fail to express your wants, needs, opinions, feelings, and beliefs to others. Acting in an apologetic and self-putdowning manner or smiling when you don't mean it, may bring others to disregard your wants and needs.

Julian Kammerz


Hello Emoclearians,

Effective ways to say no-

No.
No thanks you.
I can't do it right now.
I already commited to something else--no thank you.
I'd rather not.
This is definately not the right time for me.
I decline.
Thanks for asking, but no.
Thanks for thinking of me, but not this time.
Can't do it.

Peter Warren

Hi,

Anger consists of:

Our present angry thoughts, our state of angry arousal, how we express our anger to others, Our personal experience and perceptions, and how we show or physically demonstrate our anger.

When we become angry we notice something that breaks our internalized rules. Our arousal is triggered. Tension mounts and adrenaline rises. Breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure elevates. We're in flight/fight mode. Angry.


Love, Mirika Chen



Hello Emoclearians,

Different angles to deal with anger--

What provokes you? List the typical provocations.

How you think about and explain situations has plenty of influence on your "buttons".

Someone steps on your toe for example can be explained in many different ways.

It was an accident.
It was purposely and intentionally planned.
The person was blind, senile, drinking, ect.
These explanations will change how you feel about the situation. The lesson is watch how you explain things and see if you can explain it some other way.

Distorted beliefs heighten anger arousal. See the Tips on Distorted beliefs.

Changing your breathing, physical stance, and what you focus on will shift anger.

Practice working with your most prevailing angry expectations. See if they can be modified or exchanged for other expectations. Mentally rehearse your expectations until they feel natural.

Put your anger arousal to work with assertive talk and behaviors.

Besides assertiveness, learning to listen to others can help in breaking out of aggressive and hostile patterns.

Learn to negotiate and work with the other person if possible.

Finding positive elements in the other person's behavior and speech can defuse a hot situation.

Timeouts and other behavioral strategies do well with hostility and aggression.

Tom Cuthbertson




Hello:

When you need to express your anger in a constructive way, take it to the source and avoid 3rd parties.

Sandbagging or keeping silent about what's disturbing you doesn't get what you want. Never expect the other person to know you're peeved unless you confront them in an assertive manner. Hostility and agressive don't work and usually gets return fire.

Sometimes people feel angry without acknowledging they are. They may drum impatiently, mutter under their breath, feel tense and hot inside, yet not connect it with anger. Physical symptoms like headaches, back pain, and ulcers may be rooted to unrecognized anger.

Nina Kanis


Greetings:

Be alert for displacing or aiming your anger at others who are not involved in the source of your anger. Example- You are angry at the boss and you take your anger out on your coworkers or spouse. Another example is being irate about merchandise or service in a store. Instead of talking to a manager who has the authority to respond to you, you pick on a cashier.

Areas where chronic anger are involved are made for desensitization. Use the Emo Reviewer or the Cortical Event Review to review events where you often become easily angered, agressive, or hostile.

Liz

Hello,

Review the most frequent event patterns in your anger and examine your thinking during those times. Follow each pattern and what you believed at that moment.
Write these angry thoughts and beliefs down.

Be aware of these anger style thoughts.

1) Demands. Using musts and shoulds instead of preferences and wants raises arousal.

2) Negative self-labels. Calling comeone a jackass, slob, backstabber.

3) Taking things personally. You believe the other person has deliberately set out to screw you.

4) You magnify the negative and minimize the positive.
"That ingrate is always slacking. She never did anything good in her life."

5) Trance narrowing. You only view the negative of the situation.

6) Justice and fairness. You demand fairness even though the other party has a different idea of what's fair or just.

7) Black and white, all-or-nothing thinking. "You're either for me or completely against me. Take your pick. I already made mine. You're a traitor."

8) Holding that other people are responsible for your angry feelings rather than your emotionally held beliefs.

9) Righteousness. Believing you're right and they're wrong.

All of these beliefs can be systematically belief processed in the state in which they're likely to happen.

Dan Canepa

Hello,

Anger becomes a problem for anger management or professional assistance when it gets to these limits.

+On more than several occasions you've said very destructive things to loved ones or threatened to physically hurt them.

+You are feeling completely out of control with anger or rage.

+Your anger and rage are associated with a previously diagnosed mood disorder.

+Anger and rage have led to blacking out or forgetting your behavior.

+You are involved in physically assaulting others or in road rage.

+You have trouble paying attention in school or at work.

+Your anger or rage has lead to job loss or the loss of a significant relationship.

+You self-medicate with alcohol and drugs to achieve calmness.

+You carry a long held grudge.

+You fantasize about hurting others.

+You were arrested or are in legal difficulty for physical assaults or physical abuse.

+You look to get into physical altrcations.

Bonny Keats
Hello all,


When you can't assert yourself directly because of repercussions, do the following-

Talk your anger over with a friend.
Journal your feelings.
Go for a long walk.
Draw or paint your anger.
Write an angry letter. Don't send it.
Integrate the feeling.

Tim Grenier

Hello,

More ideas on anger & assertiveness.

Does your anger have common themes? Are the themese connected with Personality Clusters or old events?

Sometimes people are more anger prone not only because of low blood sugar and stress, but because they more habituated to thinking angry thoughts instead annoyance, dissapointment, anxiety, or feeling rejected.

When you were being raised was anger or hostility expressed in a style unique to your family. Did you adapt that style or part of it?

Do you do triangulated anger? That is do you feel anger toward someone which rightfully someone else should feel because it's their problem. Return your anger to it's rightful owner. Recognize what is your problem and what is their problem.

What are your buttons? What buttons (phrases, words, expressions) get you boiling? Practice integrating those hot buttons until when you hear those words you may get annoyed and not full blown angry.


Julian Kammerz



Hello,

One of the causes of chronic spats in relationships is attributing negative or bad intentions to others. It's best to attribute neutral or good intentions to others. Make this a practice unless you actually know someone bad intentions toward you. Avoid mind reading or jumping to conclusions.

Sandy Dosmire

How to know you're angry.

Screaming, yelling, pounding head, tight fists, heart pounding, pointing in somebody's face, getting set to fight, strong red hot arousal, threatening, laying your hands on someone, expressing hate, cursing.

Indirect signs

Blaming, acting like a victim, pouting, being highly critical, hostile statements and putdowns, sarcasm, drinking, sleeping too much.
Hi all,

In heated situations switching to "we" statements instead of the assertive "I" can turn the boiling down.
It creates some sense of unity.

Martin Hauck

all,

Atributing hostile intentions to others will often lead to feeling angry and acting hostily. Do you believe--

People are pleasant only when they desire something?
Others misunderstand you.
People are against you.
People talk and think negatively of you.
No one gives you proper credit.
People are unjust and unfair toward you.
People mistrust you.
Someone would backstab you.
People lie and exaggerate to you.


Hiroshi Harada




Factoids--

You don't own the highway.

Not everyone shares the same rules of polite behavior.
When you damand that they do, who suffers?

It's easier to change your expectations and should rules than to change others.

Anxious and depressed people often incorrectly believe that others are critical and hostile toward them. In defending themselves against this misperceived criticalness and hostility, they act defensively and sometimes hostily. This provokes criticalness and hostility in the people misperceived.

Perhaps some hostility is justified. What are the costs?

Persons who rage often believe they should tantrum to get in their digs before the other person does. Assertively telling others what you want is more reliable and far less hostility provoking than tantrums.


Aimee


Hello,

What's helped me is consciously changing my physical stance. Each stance has psychological elements anchored to it. Watch angry people. They hold themselves different. Watch even keeled people. Difference in stance.


Carl Stohle


Hi all,

Letting it all hangout styles of anger management like beating pillows, screaming alone in a room, and other cathartic approaches are shown by research to reinforce acting out, making anger and rage worse,and reinforce hostile and aggressive behavior. They are no longer taught in reputable anger management courses.

Persons who hit punching bags during one study tended to hang onto their anger longer and habituate it.

Assertiveness training is one of the very few proven techniques for contructively channeling anger.

Tom Cuthbertson

Let's update the Anger-assertiveness Learn-in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi all,

Let's update the Anger-Assertiveness Learn-in.


Martin Hauck

Hi,

Healthy anger is assertive and you feel annoyed or irritated rather than blown away angry or raging.
Unhealthy anger is hateful, punitive, negative labeling, and sometimes escalted to rage. Unhealthy anger has rigid rules and laws about how others MUST act. It insists that others don't insult or ridicule you. Other people and life in general MUST not block what you demand. Often with unhealthy anger the person believe others deliberately act obnoxiously toward you. With unhealthy anger there's a tendency to think the other person is wrong and you're right. Another's point of view is ignored or downed.

Unhealthy anger can be passive aggressive or aggressive.
It also maybe taken out on persons unrelated to what you're angry about. Revenge, turning others against the party you're angry with. Sulking. Vigelent for signs of the offense against you being repeated. Feeling hot, balled fists, muscular tension, clenched jaw, trembling, elevated heart rate.

Carl Stohle

Hi,

Problematic anger is seen in-

-Rigid and choiceless demands.
-Insisting that others don't make any disapproving remarks about you.
-Demand that others and life not get in the way of your desires.
-Blame.
-Hunting for evidence that others had nasty intent toward you or believing they did with no real evidence.
-Ignoring another persons point of view.
-Assuming you're right and the other person's wrong.
-Becoming abusive.
-Acting passive aggressively.
-Acting to get revenge.
-Sulking or the silent treatment.
-Being on alert for others taking advantage of you
-Vigilant for signs of previous offense.
-Physically or verbally assaulting someone.
-Becoming angry with inncocent parties instead of the
person you're actually angry with.

Healthy anger is seen in-

-Having strong preferences rather than demands.
-Having flexible rules you expect persons to follow.
-Preferring that others don't act disapprovingly toward you.
-Preferring that others and life events don't thwart what you want.
-Noticing any evidence that the other person wasn't acting with nasty intentions.
-Make requests that the other person modify their behavior.
-Noticing that both you and other person may be right and wrong to some degree.
-Attempting to look at circumstances through another's
eyes.
-Acting assertively.
-Looking to resolve disputes.


Richard Karch

Hi,

Typical anger beliefs:

"Others must not disrespect me or treat me badly.
If they do, they are XXXXX."

"Anyone who exposes my weak points or mistakes is a
XXXXXXXXXXX."

"No one or nothing should get in the way of me getting what I demand, if they do they are XXXXX."

"No one should shame me, put me down, embarass me, or make me feel guilty, if they do, they are XXXXX."

"Someone should never treat me unfairly and unjustly, if they do, they are XXXXXX."

When must and shoulds are changed to preferences and wants, the anger changes to annoyance. It also helps not to view others as negative labels.

Frustration and irritation occur when someone or something blocks a desire or goal. The more important the goal or desire, likely the more annoyed and frustrated someone will become. Persons who have difficulty with Low Frustration Tolerance are more liable to be come angry. Increasing frustration tolerance helps people be less anger prone.

Peter Warren




Hi,

To assert yourself always be responsible for your feelings. The other person didn't make you feel that way. While their actions may have impacted you, it's your evaluations of their actions which had the most impact.

Make sure you have the other person's attention before you begin to assert yourself.

Assert yourself at the right time and place. Avoid public scenes if possible.

Be clear and specific in what you say. Say what you want to happen. Not what you don't want to happen.

Avoid name calling. Stick to the topic being asserted.

Ed Boylan

Hi,

The Left-Hemisphere Mood Elevator can be used as a statebreaker for times when you feel very down and easily irritated.

When anger becomes a way of life and frequent rages happen, this kind of anger is held in place by a lack of empathy for others and often a belief that you're somehow weak if you don't show your anger. Others will use you as a doormat. Excessiver anger gives the appearence of getting you respect and some control over others who are afraid to confront you lest you go into a tirade. Another block to keeping anger is that you believe it's justified--you're right and the other person is wrong. You feel powerful when you're angry. No one gets in your way.

Carla Januzzi


Hi,

Remember when you're criticized it may be to:

1. You can agree with parts of the criticism and reject the remainder.

2. It may be valid as long as they criticise something you do rather than to negatively label you.

3. Consider the source.

4. Criticism may help improve your performance in some area.

5. Your bound to get criticism from time to time. Everyone endures it.

6. There's no law that someone shouldn't criticise you.


Carl Stohle


Hi:

A good way to short-circuit driving anger is to take a few deep breaths, gently bite your tongue, tighten the right side of your face and ask the following questions:

Do I really believe this driver behaves idiotically in all situations?

Don't people make mistakes and are fallible?


Can I stand another driver's mistake?

A method for disarming a fight:

1) Find some truth even grains of it in another's statement and some agreement with the other person's point of view.

2) Be empathetic and paraphrase their feeling words.
Nod when appropriate.

3) Ask the critic for more information about their points of criticism so they know they are being heard.

4)Express your own point of view with "I feel" statements: I feel that ______________.


Nina Kanis

Hi,

Being relaxed leads to less anger. Here's two Emoclear exercises for relaxing.

Nina Kanis

THE EMBALMER I & II

The Embalmer I & II are relaxation exercises and are helpful for just chilling out and destressing. If you're having a challenge with sleep these two exercises may assist you in resetting the sleep button.

(c) Steve Mensing

***Warning: Folks with a history of mental illness, severe trauma, or panic are urged not to use this process without a therapist. If you decide to use this process you will agree to absolve the webmasters, the server, Steve Mensing, and Emoclear.com of any responsibility for either the application or misapplication of this process. Within any emotional or mental process is the possibility that someone could experience discomfort. So proceed with this warning. ***

EMBALMER I

Experience each question for as long as it takes to experience what is asked, then go to the next:

Can you lay down and let your arms lay slightly away from your body with your fingers slightly spread?

Is it possible to turn your head so your left nostril is on top and your right nostril is on the bottom? (This will accentuate left nasal dominance breathing for the remainder of this exercise.)

Can you breathe deeply and slowly from your belly, comfortably and fully filling your lungs? Can you let go go of all control of the breath as you exhale? (Do this several times, then put your relaxed and open attention to whatever experiences are requested).

Is it possible, with your eyes closed to peer for 10 seconds through an area just above your eyebrows.

Can you begin to let your jaw sag, your tongue relax, and your face sag. Take your time. Just allow all three areas to fully relax.

Can you briefly imagine biting into a warm lemon and tasting it's tartness?

Can you allow your entire mouth to fill up completely with saliva and can you permit this saliva to remain above and below your tongue for the remainder of this exercise?

Is it possible to notice which arm is more relaxed than the other?

Can you notice which hand is more relaxed than the other?

Is it possible to notice which leg is more relaxed than the other?

Can you notice which foot is more relaxed than the other?

Is it possible to notice which is more relaxed: your torso or your lower body?

If you fell asleep and were dreaming, what would your body feel like at that moment? Would it have numbness or tingling? Or no particular sensation at all? What might you feel?

Can you notice the space behind your face? What if that empty space felt pleasantly warm?

Is it possible to notice the empty space within your neck? What if that empty space felt pleasantly warm?

Can you notice the empty space within your torso? What if the empty space felt pleasantly warm?

Is it possible to notice the empty space within your right leg? What if that empty space felt pleasantly warm?

Can you notice the empty space within your left leg? What if that empty space was pleasantly warm?

Is it possible to recall a time when you were either napping or sleeping, what did that feel like?

Can you recall a time when you were either in reverie or dreaming, what did that feel like?

Is it possible to drift or float in relaxing reverie or dreams for as long as you prefer. When you feel relaxed enough, you can become alert again, feeling your body and looking out through your eyes. You can use the "grounding exercise" on the Process page.

EMBALMER II

Experience each question for as long as it takes to experience what is asked, then go to the next:

Can you lay down and let your arms lay slightly away from your body with your fingers slightly spread?

Is it possible to turn your head so your left nostril is on top and your right nostril is on the bottom? (This will accentuate left nasal dominance breathing for the remainder of this exercise.)

Can you breathe deeply and slowly from your belly, comfortably and fully filling your lungs? Can you let go go of all control of the breath as you exhale? (Do this several times, then put your relaxed and open attention to whatever experiences are requested).

Is it possible, with your eyes closed to peer for 10 seconds through an area just above your eyebrows.

Can you begin to let your jaw sag, your tongue relax, and your face sag. Take your time. Just allow all three areas to fully relax.

Can you briefly imagine biting into a warm lemon and tasting it's tartness?

Can you allow your entire mouth to fill up completely with saliva and can you permit this saliva to remain above and below your tongue for the remainer of this exercise?

Is it possible to experience a growing warmth on the lower rear of the back of your head (The occipital region).

Can you pay relaxed and open attention to the periphery of your visual filed for 8 seconds?

Is it possible to notice half of your body is more relaxed than the other?

Can you notice which side of your body is warmer than the other?

Is it possible to hear the word calm coming from somewhere in your awareness?

Can you imagine the entire space contained within your body?

Is it possible to notice the entire space contained within your room?

Can you notice the entire space within the house or building you are staying?

Is it possible to notice the entire space within your town or city?

Can you experience the entire space within the Earth?

Is it possible to notice the entire space within your solar system?

Can you experience the entire space within your galaxy?

Is it possible to notice the space within your universe?

Can you notice the entire space within your mind?

Is it possible to notice the entire space outside your mind?

Can you notice everything contained within awareness?

Is it possible to notice that awareness is contained within everything?

Can you notice what happens when you call everything awareness?

Is it possible to remove the label awareness?

Can you experience everything called calm?

Is it possible just to pay attention to whatever drifts in and out of awareness?

Is it possible to drift or float in relaxing reverie or dreams for as long as you prefer. When you feel relaxed, you can become alert again, feeling your body and looking out through your eyes. You can use the "grounding exercise" on the Process page.

Take care, Steve



Hi,

Gently biting the tip of your tongue, rapidly rubbing your palms and finger tips together, and counting to 10 will slow anger so you can step in and speak assertively.


Martin Hauck

Hi

Here's a great thread on handling arguments and conflicts constractively.


p203.ezboard.com/femoclea...D=50.topic


Gary Holtzman

Some practical ways of handling arguments and conflicts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello Emoclearians:

Part of being a mature adult is being skillful at handling arguments and conflicts. It seems like a good idea to start a discussion where Emoclearians might put forth their knowledge about handling everyday conversational disputes and even major conflicts. Emoclear processes can be added to this discussion like the Relationship Remodeler and the Multi-Solutions Generator.

This discussion can be free form with posters adding in different ways they manage arguments and conflicts in day to day life.

Join in!

Nina Kanis



Edited by: Emowebby at: 4/19/03 12:19:56 am


Hello What creates arguments, conflicts, and disputes?


Bettina Kohler



Greetings Nina:

Arguments and conflicts arise out of-

Demands we put on others. Anger over rules violation.

Anxiety about losing control of a situation.

Anxiety about loss of face or self-worth.

Anxiety about losing personal freedom.

Being shamed or humiliated.

Jealousy and guilt.

Damand that your point of view be the only one.

Liz

Hello,

Rules, expectations, assumptions, and control play a large role in conflict making. Who's right and who's wrong adds to it.

Not listening adds to the conflict.

Julian Kammerz


Greetings all:

Other conflict makers are lies, personal attacks, the urge to debate when the other person does not wish to do so, having your words and intentions mispercieved, having taboos where the other party does not, gossip.

Desire for revenge or punishment. Fighting against what you are being told to do. Belief that we must be first. Belief is deserving top treatment. Not waiting our turn to speak. Beliving the other is without reason or logic as we define it. Indignation and demanding fairness.

Albert Venhoven


Hello Emoclearians:

Fights between people have much to do with control and respect. If the fights are over injustice, fairness, lying, values, parking spots, who said what, it often comes down to control and respect.

Why so much difficulty with respect? Often people, who don't accept themselves and who are concerned about what others think about them, will be disturbed when others don't accept or respect them. Persons, who are not self-accepting, will be more likely to put their power of acceptance in others and clash with them when acceptance or respect don't seem to be there.

Control is involved here too. If we believe we have lost control we will often attempt to regain it. Controlling the flow of an interaction or conversation can be more important to someone who believes their self-acceptance is derived from having control over someone elses acceptance and respect. When a person loses control of situations or others they may feel as if they have lost acceptance and respect.

Respect and control play a large role in arguments, conflicts, and disputes.

How then is it possible to solve interpersonal conflicts?
What are some methods that may be applied universally to areas of conflict?


Hello,

Since control and respect are drivers in arguments and conflicts, what minimizes these drivers happening?

Being respectful and listening to others and their point of view is major. Being respectful means acknowledging the person and their viewpoint. Paraphasing what another says and picking up on the emotional tone. This can't be done in an insincere fashion.

How else does someone show respect? Being polite. Letting the other person finish up what they're saying. Pointing out agreement and good ideas.

James Detweiler




Hello Mates,

Becoming aware of our dire need for control in conversation requires a closer inspection. What makes for this dire need to control? If someone clears, integrates this need, conversations flow more easily.
This need often is attached to anxiety about losing respect. See the learn-in on self-acceptance.

Be aware that some arguments and conflicts come about because people have gone to a third party for information instead of the person with whom they need to converse.

Let the other person know you respect them through your actions and sincere interest. This minimizes conflict.

Fred Tellford




Hello:

Conflict is often overcome with appreciation and acknowledgement. Brainstorm ways you can show appreciation and acknowledgement to someone with whom you're in conflict.

In conflict management it's helpful to put forward your human side to the other party. Let them know things about us in a humble or self-depreciating way seems to psychologically build bridges.

Permitting the other party to give can also make that person feel respected and more in control.

Being polite and thanking the other for actions they've taken or information they've given shows appreciation.

Clark


Hello Emoclearians:

Sometimes people feel hurt when someone rejects their input or "wisdom". How might posters get around this sticky area?

Showing appreciation in some way without taking up the advice is one method. Telling someone you're considering their input is helpful. Notice something useful about it even though it might not fit your context or needs.

What are some other ways? How many fights get started over the non taking of input?

Nina Kanis


Hi,

With handling advice or information that you don't desire, you might say why you like it and why it might not be an option. Give a couple of good reasons for it if possible. This shows respect and that you at least heard what was offered. Remember that people can be very sensitive about their advice or ideas being shot down. It's easier to take if you show you at least listened and found some merit. Thanking the person for thinking of you shows appreciation. Perhaps see if they have ideas on another subject. This respects that person.

Love, Mirika Chen


Hello all,

Alyce's point above about a lack of self-acceptance often being at the bottom of conflict with others really hits home. A person doesn't feel the need to react angrily to input if they feel comfortable in their own skin about who they are and what they're doing. They might just say, "Thank you" and move on.

Lately I'm thinking about how meditation might help, especially meditation aimed at developing compassion for self and others. Also there are some good suggestions in the personality cluster on self-acceptance.

Cheers, Carol

p.s. One additional thing that produces a lot of conflict is reacting to what you thought the person said but you heard it through your own filters. You don't check it out. If the other person does the same with what you said, you're off to the races. A little training in listening and communication skills can help.

Hello Carol,

Ain't that the truth! If people were self-accepting they would wouldn't get all bent about what someone else says or go on a control trip. It's true too if you meet a self-accepting person you seldom notice them get pulled into something unless it's their time of the month.

The filter thing you mentioned is true too. Many a time I've seen people go at it because they both misunderstood each other. At another web board there were a few people who regularly distorted what others said. They would argue and get belligerant at the drop of a hat. The message the other person posted was entirely different from the one to which the other person responded. Then the misinterpreter would insult the other. This would lead to a war unless the one person stopped it all by "reading" what the other person said and being respectful in spite of the attack. Still sometimes that didn't work because the misperceiver would stay pissed off. They would insist they knew the other persons intentions. People who regularly fight on message boards and get hot are not real self-accepting.

Dan Canepa


Emoclearians:

Another way of tackling arguments and conflicts is noticing how you didn't argue in a previous similar situation. What did you do then that you can apply to a present conflict?

The Multi-Solutions Generator offers several counseling sessions that can bring up how you previously solved conflicts or avoided them in the past.

John Gastly

Hello Emoclearians,

Another way to solve arguements and problems, which taps into relationships, is:

www.emoclear.com/processe...deler.html


Julian Kammerz




Hello Emoclears,

Often arguments spring up when someone sees the person they'r talking with acting in the following way-

Tapping their foot impatiently.
Giving the silent treatment.
Rolling their eyes in disgust.
Grunting.
Mockingly laughing.
Cross their arms across chest.
Stepping back behind a chair.
Glancing impatiently at their watch or a clock.
Being in a hurry and urging the other person to speed it up.
Urge the other person to hurry up and get to the point.
Jiggling foot and letting out impatient sighs.
Looking out the window and making micro frowns.
Picking up the phone and answering it or calling someone in the midst of a conversation.
Getting up and walking away.
Making jokes or diverting the conversation elsewhere.


Deana


Hello,

Check the listening skills posted on the tips page. These are keepers. Listening and getting the other guy's message in a clean clear way covers a multitude of sins. Believe me. Listening up without agreeing, disagreeing, fighting, blaming, monologing goes a long long ways.

Imagine having a coronary and having some guy explain how you shoulda watched your friggin cholesterol and taken up speed walking. Or your butt is collapsed on the floor from a near diabetic coma and the rescue 8 workers are saying you shouldn't gobble down Almond Joys and cherry Pepsi. Get my drift? You'd get pissed off if you got a lecture in that condition. Rightly so.

Listening. Listening. Listening. Find out all you can about listening and practice it because count it--if you listen to others and get what they're saying with a minumum of trancing out or mishearing them, your chances at conflict get minimized to the max.

Find out too what defensiveness is all about. Why the need to defend yourself and not listen? Is there an Oppositional Personality Cluster cooking in the oven?
Clear that baby and don't ever look back. Defensiveness kills. It stops conversations cold.

Nick Abruzzi


Hello,

The ability to truly know the other persons's viewpoint from their point of view or to stand firmly in their shoes means much. If you can demonstrate to them that you know what they are saying, not agree with it, but know what they're saying you've gone a long long way.

Conlicts and arguments are difficult when people know the other side knows exactly what you're saying and how you think and feel about it.

Bonny Keats


Reposted by Bonny Keats


TIPS ON LISTENING

A large part of communications is listening. When someone desires to communicate with another they are doing this to let the other person know they desire something or wish to express important feelings or thoughts. Communicating is both verbal and non-verbal through body language and intonation. Workable communications arrives when folks send and receive messages that are clear and understandable.

What commonly gets in the way of good communication is when messages involve too many issues or unrequired details. Points get lost. Intonation and body language may be incongruent with the message sent. Maybe the voice is inaudible or the receiver is anxious and failing to pay attention to what's being said.

Problems show up when we're more interested pushing our own particular viewpoint rather than hearing out what the other fellow says. We wait for openings, spot flaws, or plunge ahead. Perhaps we fake attention while impatiently waiting to jump in. Maybe a defensive remark is being formulated which takes our inward attention.

Giving someone our full ear is very important to communications. We truly want to understand the other person's view, their feelings, the meaning of what's being communicated. Throughout the conversation we may be examining our own understanding by restating what the other person is saying and getting it verified.

It's key to good listening to know where to focus. Do we focus on the facts or the emotions of the situation? If we're talking with someone who's upset, they're liable to get more upset if we miss the correct focus of the message being communicated. Good listening also involves getting the message so we know what the other person is feeling and thinking. We need to step into the other person's shoes and look out through their eyes. We might not agree, but we require understanding the other person's views.

Good listening skills minimize misunderstandings. If we're really paying attention we'll know immediately when a misunderstanding occurs. Clarification follows and keeps the communication flowing.

There's payoffs for developing good listening skills. Often if someone is heard they may loosen their position or consider alternative viewpoints. Areas of agreement are more apt to be noticed which creates less conflict and tension.

Sometimes folks notice gaps in their thinking when they hear themselves uncritically repeated. Listening attentively can also help us to notice flaws in our own approach. The speaker can become more aware of what they're saying when they're paraphrased or mirrored back.

SOME POINTERS FOR GOOD LISTENING

*Paraphrase in your own words. This lets the other person know you're understanding what's being said and that you're not merely repeating.

*Mirror back their sense of the facts, their evaluations, and what they desire and expect. Let them know you recognize their feelings.

*Let someone see when you appreciate what was just said.

*Know when to speak up and give your message. Get a sense of the rhythm of the give and take.

*Avoid long stretches of muteness without some feedback on your part. Often the speaker may feel some unease that their message is not being heard.

*Know that sometimes when folks ask questions they are thinking out loud. They may not be asking for a response or a solution.

*If you're confused by what the other person is saying, speak up and ask for clarification or say it in another way so you'll have a clearer understanding.

*The other person may be angry. Withhold defensiveness or knee jerk responses. By listening closely and getting what they're saying, they will begin to wind down.

*Get the feeling and intention of what they're saying. This comes from getting an overall sense of what's being communicated.

*Be accepting and empathetic with the person. Be respectful of their viewpoint even if you still hold yours and it's 190 degrees from their's.

*Avoid yeah--uh huhs. Especially avoid machine gunning uh huhs.

*Watch out for nervous questions or too many questions.

*It's okay to joke, but avoid it during intimate stretches or the speaker may interpret this as a deflection.

*Nod at the other person's words, yet avoid becoming a bobbing head.

*Avoid name calling, blaming, being quick to change the subject, sarcasm, talking down, and any variety of defensiveness.

*It doesn't hurt to find truth in the other person's statements. If they say: "You spend too much time doing X." Then you can reply: "Yes sometimes I do spend too much time doing X."

*Rather than right/wrong rope pulls aim for mutual problem solving discussions. Imagine what it would be like to work in harmony. Cooperation and problem solving works far better than argueing and blaming.

*What are the most frequent blocks to good listening?

(1) We think we're right and the other person is wrong.
(2) We believe the other person is to blame for the difficulty.
(3) We can't stand being told anything.
(4) We believe we're numero uno and the center of the universe.
(5) We believe we deserve better treatment.
(6) We have a dire need to make a point.
(7) We believe we're victims of unfairness and injustice.
(8) We fail to see our impact on others.
(9) We miss our part in the problem.
(10) We habitually fall into opposition.
(11) We have a dire need to speak.
(12) We can't wait to get in our licks.
(13) We can't face criticism.
(14) We feel we have to provide help right away.
(15) We are convinced the other person is bragging or being dishonest.
(16) We believe others don't have the right to feel or speak the way they do.
(17)We believe others are behaving irrationally or illlogically.
(18) We are convinced that the Almighty is on our side.
(19) We think we have a right to righteous indignation.
(20) We sense we're the fountain of wisdom. *Watch out for attempting to trap others in lie telling. This checking implies the other person is not trustworthy. Often folks respond to how they are perceived by acting as they are viewed. Put someone on the defensive and they will often respond defensively.

*If someone shows every sign of avoiding a certain subject, then don't pull teeth with probing questions. Let them relax and open up. The more accepting you are, the more likely they are to be open.

*Grimacing and eyerolls should be striken from our "listening skills". These point blank tell the other person what they're saying is being rejected.

*Allow others to be right. Trying to prove our correctness during a conversation shuts it down quickly.

*Notice the impact of your communication and your presence.

*Make comfortable eye contact, but don't stare. Don't check your watch or glance around the room. Head nodding lets them know you're there. Avoid the closed position that arm folding provides. Touch the other person if it seems appropriate.

Take care, Steve



Greetings all:

Empathy is a portion of argument and conflict erasure.

Never say: "Nothing like this is ever happened." This is a blatant denial of this person's experience. They will reason to themselves, "What only me? I'm the only one?" They won't believe it. Many people think others think like them. This will set off conflict.

Albert Venhoven

Some practical ways of handling arguments and conflicts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello,

Acknowledge during a conflict, before it turns into a hot blooded dispute that you both desire a good outcome. Maybe you disagree about how to arrive there. This can turn down some of heat and get you both to search for a mutually aggreeable outcome. This breeds acknowledgement, respect, and appreciation. It's difficult for things to go haywire when acknowledgement, respect, and appreciation are there.

Consider both what you can do for eachother. What favors can you and the other person grant to each other?

It's in both of your favors to work together, to mediate situations. If you don't there are long and short-term consequences.

Know both sides or the multiple sides of an issue. If you don't take into account these other viewpoints, you'll be viewed as unreasonable. What you say will be more resisted. Hard ball usually begats hard resistance. Openly discuss the various sides of the issue and ask for their thoughts on both.

Examine the right and wrong. That exists when blame is ongoing and only one side of an issue is seen as having any validity. Something may be off.


Nina Kanis


Hello,

If you have to deal with arguments over what's equal or fair distribution, people have to agree on what's equal or fair. People may have very different ideas on what's fair. Behind it is frequently a need to control. How do you get people to give up control and agree on what's equal or fair? Maybe get past the idea of what's equal or fair. Maybe get them to the point of saying just what they want.

If you visibly make a show of giving up control first, often the other party will likewise let go. Let them go first. Let them make the first choice in asking for what they want. Give them the control over the choices or situation in some way. Give them several possible choices.

Martin Hauck

Argumentarians:

If you're already stuck inside an agument or longterm conflict, these can be unglued with a shot of forgiveness.
The Forgiveness Exercise is just the apple.

John Gastly


THE FORGIVENESS EXERCISE
***Warning***This process is not to be used with mental illness, severe trauma, or panic. Those challenges are best handled in a stationary position and with neurovascular abreaction protections or with energy only work with a trained professional. You are only permitted to use this process if you agree to dissolve Steve Mensing, the webmasters, and the web host of any responsibility for the application or misapplication of this process.

FORGIVENESS

Accepting ourselves, others, and circumstances negatively impacting on us is a fairly challenging task for many of us. To remain accepting, loving and open often doesn't come easy. Hate and resentment can feel natural, yet as we mature these qualities often reveal who they really hurt the most: us.

Unless we act out our hate and resentment toward others, we never really touch others with those emotions. To believe otherwise is a form of magical thinking. We feel those feelings not the persons we hate or resent.

The process of overcoming hate and resentment and drawing on forgiveness can open us to pain and free our spontaneous acceptance and love.

THE FORGIVENESS EXERCISE

(1) LEFT NASAL DOMINANCE BREATHING. For the entirety of this exercise gently pinch your right nostril shut and breathe through your left nostril only. Place your right thumb on over your right nostril and insert the next two fingers into the notch between your nose and upper lip. This will facilitate imagery and feeling.

(2) Is there a person(s), yourself, or an event you would desire to forgive? Jot down who or what it is on a piece of paper. What beliefs about this person(s), myself or event create my feelings of hate and resentment. Examine those beliefs you jotted down and then move to the next step.

(3) If another person(s) were involved, what were the influences of their beliefs, feelings, and behaviors on the circumstances that led to my chosing to hate or resent these persons?
Would I have acted the same as that person(s) if I had the exact same beliefs, motivations, and feelings as they did under mirror conditions? Would I have made the same choices given their inner life and external circumstances? Basically we are stepping into another's shoes here and assuming their viewpoint. Spend some time with this step.

(4) Can I find other elements to blame other than myself, somone else, or circumstances?
Jot down a potential list of other potential targets for blame. Weather. Bad food. Gravity. Having wrong information. Turns in highway. Can you blame the entire universe or just let go of blame altogether?

(5) Was the transgression that the person or yourself did--was it intentional or unintentional?

(6) Suddenly an alteration in time occurred to your surprise. You are looking back from 10 years in the future and you are noting you have already accepted and forgiven yourself, others, or circumstances which you once hated and resented. What would you notice first about your accepted and forgiven self, other, or circumstances? What other positive things would you notice? How might you feel better?

(7) If you abruptly experienced forgiveness and acceptance for another or yourself, how long would that take before it felt natural? How would you know the forgiveness felt natural?

(8) Take your palm and gently percuss 30 times the webbing between your thumb and next two fingers while you say aloud with conviction: "I forgive _____________."

(9) If there is any stuck hate or resentment they can be targets for clearing.


(C) Steve Mensing


Hello,

You're the subject of a name calling or a personal attack. See the Self-acceptance Learn-in. Learn how to accept yourself no matter what someone else says. People who personally attack you are either angry and other-labeling which is distorting anyway or they're socially unskilled. A negative label is never a whole truth about anyone. It's one-dimensional. Meant to hurt. The secret is not to personalize it, not to believe it. To accept yourself.

Personal attacks can be slowed down by hearing what the other says, paraphrasing it, and taking the heat or accepting outloud what the person says.

Dan Canepa


Hello,

Plenty of good ideas on derailing everyday conflicts.

Consider sincere apologies when you know you've made a boo boo. If you are not sincere, don't say it because it will come off like a snipe.

Note that you caused them inconvenience or maybe even pain. This acknowledgement helps. Empathize with any pain of bother they experienced. Do it sincrely. If you suffered too or were inconvenienced, mention it. This leads to connection. If there's a correction to made--do it. In apologigizing show respect.


Peter Warren


Hello:

This may be offbeat, but in tough spots begin a sudden shift to arguing from the other person's point of view. The shock might get you both to listen.


Clark


Hello all,

A long time passed by since you had a falling out argument. It was a bitter discord. You no longer talk.

The usual approach is to contact your former friends or family through a third person who they like. In someway show your regret and that you were hurt too by what happened. If you recall a memory or story of happier times this can build a bridge.

Aaron Kallish


Hello,

Do not forget that it is very possible to hold anger against those who we see only as stereotypes or one-dimensional lables. Get to know people not one-dimensional ideas of them.

Sometimes old malice goes away when people join in a common effort or face outside forces. In the outer space movies the people of the world often unite against the space invadors. Sometimes conflict can be healed when there is a mutual effort or goal.

Some issues are blown up. How do parties view them again as they are?


Max Venhoven


Hello,

Somebody could examine at how nations peacefully resolved disputes. The principles working in these negotiations would apply to disputes between people.


Bonny Keats


hello Many conflicts never get going if you feel your feelings and intutively get what they say. You don't misread and mishear others as much. You accept yourself. It's easier not to get drawn into scuffles if you're emotional head isn't buried in the ground. Live and let live. You're more open to many points of view and don't get crazy if one's not what you believe. You ain't out to control others to your way of thinking.

Lenny Peltzman


Hello,

Ice breakers for people in long-term squabbles-

If you were to undo what you did that began the squabble, what would you have done differently?

Before that happened, were there positive events?

What was pleasurable and rewarding about your relationship at the start? Any way you can repeat that?

Regrets are sometimes changed. What would you change?

Julian Kammerz


Hello Emoclearians:

In the midst of an argument if someone were to step back and ask: What would you like to happen? What is very crucial here for you? What do you think it is I'd like to happen? What do you think is crucial here for me?

How could this happen for us both? What if we were on the same team and not in opposition?


Nina Kanis


Hello fiesty ones,

Here's a tuffy. You've had a falling out with someone over beliefs, values, and lifestyle. Want to patch it up? Examine subtle and not so subtle commonalities you have with the other person's beliefs, values, and lifestyle.

Say your exgirlfriend has joined the Taliban or the Al Quaida, Allah forbid. You'd like to retain her friendship to some degree. You treat her respectfully unless she's signed up for flight school. She may have common beliefs like honesty, cleanliness, the whole nine yards. Beneath every belief label is a kernel of something common. Behind fundamentalism is maybe honesty, cleanliness, loyalty to family, surrendering to something higher (A belief in some divine being), industriousness. These are things to which you can relate no matter how fetched some beliefs are. You don't have to toss the baby out with the bathwater and be absolutist about it unless this person is making plastic and shrapnel bombs or they're trying hard to convert you. This can mend fences. Sometimes not because some will demand you think like them.


Dan Canepa



Hi-

Have found that relabeling situations can alter someone's perceptions during a tiff. Like you describe what you did in less blown up terms. The Labeling exercises at Emoclear gives a good idea. This changes perception which can change how someone looks at and feels about something.

If you point out another area where something ok is happening this can lower the emotion of the situation. You can talk more peacefully and reasonably then.

If you offer two choices to someone this can lower the fighty part of it. Like you could do this or do that. They have a choice. If someone experiences having a choice, they're less likely to go off.

Ask someone to imagine a future situation where the dispute is solved. This gets people thinking smarter.


Jim


Hi all,

To simmer down a dispute it's helpful to remake values into non critical and temporary statements. The framing of values and situations makes them something more life and death than they are. Rethink how you might word key issues and values. Visit the Labeling Exercise at Emoclear.com.

Giving the other person the benefit of the doubt builds a climate of trust. People are more likely to respond in a less battling manner if you show some respect and trust.

The more someone is allowed to contribute and have some say, they less likely they are of feeling controlled and of opposing you.


Peter Warren


Repost by Nick Abruzzi

Hello Emoclearians,

Some persons seem afflicted with arguing. What would be good targets to nip habitual arguing in the bud?
I'm not talking about debate here, I'm talking about the tendency to argue every little thing.

Nick Abruzzi


Hello Fred:

Being argumentative can be reflexive if someone is oppositional. There is a Personality Cluster that hones in on that.

Argumentativeness can be run by a need to push a viewpoint that someone is overidentified with. This can be a target for clearing or integration.

Beliefs about self-protection are targets.

Demanding another's approval or love can be behind arguments.

Demanding that another treat you the way you believe you should be treated or demanding fairness are beliefs for targeting.

Pushing to change someone or control their behavior or thoughts is part of arguing. If you find the beliefs that produce this they are targets.

Fred Tellford



Greetings all,

Add stepping into another's shoes and seeing from their perspective to clearing. Seeing from another's viewpoint can help release the fixation on fighting.
Finding some truth in it to.

Albert Venhoven


Hello,

A common problem that leads to disputes is misinterpreting or misunderstanding another's viewpoint. How do posters solve this?

Bonny Keats




Hello Bonny:

Many arguments between people are often based on misinterpretations. These misinterpretations come about when people are angry or very anxious. They mishear and distort. It's easier for both sides to hear each other in a non distorted way if the people have had a chance to cool down. If one side listens while the other side vents and does not attempt to block or interfere, this can often bring tempers down so cooler heads will prevail.

Some misinterpretation takes place between persons of different age brackets, education, religious and cultural backgrounds. Emotional expression may be very different between cultures. Feelings and concepts may be presented differently. Close listening and asking questions to clarify helps.

If parties distrust each other there may be some misattribution of motives or mind reading going on. This can fan distrust and conflict. Someone may mispercieve the other party as having feelings, motives, and thoughts they do not have. Sometimes projection is working. Keep aware of what are you are feeling and thinking. The other person has thoughts and feelings you can't know unless they tell you or demonstrate their motives by behavior only idenfiable by certain motives. Be wary if you are stereotyping the other person, seeing them in only one way.

Alyce Waters

Hi,

Some negatives with aggressive, enduring, and passive
anger-

Distorts view of situations and others.

Wastes energy.

Misdirects our attention.

Breeds angry and painful emotions.

Blocks cooperation.

Can lead to a lack of other acceptance.

Can make for guilt.

Superficial communications to avoid anger.

Increased frustration and stress.



Peter Warren

Reposted by Aaron.


Fred asks: "What are the health problems repressed anger can cause?"

Fred according to research hidden anger and temper displays have been linked with these kinds of health challenges:

*High blood pressure.

*Weakened immune function.

*Increased levels of cortisol which has aging properties and leads to weight gain.

*Increased stress which is aging.

*High levels of adrenaline which is stressing and aging.

*Higher levels of homeocycteine which damages arteries and raises the probability of cardiovascular disease.

*Avoided and hidden anger can lead to creating compulsions.

*Increased risk of gum disease.

*Higher risk of cancer.

*Increased risk of eating disorders.

*Higher rates of headaches, somatic complaints.

*Higher risk of anxiety and depression.

*Higher levels of C-reactive protein associated with heart disease and stroke risk.

Take care, Steve

Starting a learn-in on overcoming passive aggressiveness.
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Hi,

If you are dealing with a passive-aggressive, set boundaries. Always think things through before responding. Impulsive retaliation only reinforces the passive-aggresives beliefs about people.

Avoid angry confrontation. Keep aware of how you're feeling. Your irritation, frustration, and confusion can be played upon by the passive-aggressive.

Step away from trying to fix the passive-aggressive. They resist outside change. Only provide guidance and feedback if they sincerely ask for it.

Be clear in your communication with someone passive-aggressing you.

Never respond to gossip about you with gossip. Confront the person.

Bettina Kohler


Hi all,

Relationships can be hotbeds of passive--aggressiveness.

If you're passive-aggressive you can find hidden anger toward your partner in the following ways:

Do you expect them to know what you're thinking without tell you?

Do you start to suspect them when you spend anytime a part.

Do you get jealous? Envious?


Do you look critcally at your partner's traits and behaviors? What behaviors do you get annoyed with or steamed up about.

Is there a rivalry?

When do you hold back from saying something.

Does your partner remind you in anyway of your parents?

What are your partner's hot buttons? When are you most likely to push them?

How do you feel when your partner wants to spend time alone?

How do you feel when your partner debates with you?


Tim Grenier




Hi,

Another method for finding hidden emotions out of awareness.



AVOIDED EMOTION FINDER

(c) ***Warning: This exercise is not to be done anyone with a history of mental illness, panic, or severe trauma without a professional therapist. People can do this exercise only if they agree to dissolve this website, Emoclear.com, Steve Mensing, the webmasters, and the server of any responsibility for the application or the misapllication of this process.***

(c) Steve Mensing

THE AVOIDED EMOTION FINDER

The Avoided Emotion Finder gets someone to scan their body and answer questions concerning emotions that might be avoided through addictions, compulsions, pain disorders, panic, phobias, and worries.

Here are the steps:

(1) LEFT NASAL DOMINANCE BREATHING & HEARTBEAT REGION HOLD: Gently pinch your right nostril shut and breathe through your left nostril only for 25 deep and moderate inhalations and exhalations. Resume normal breathing immediately after the 25th and final left nasal dominance breath. Place your right palm your heartbeat region and leave it there through the duration of the "Avoided Emotion Finder".

(2) SCAN YOUR BODY AND GET AN OVERALL FELT SENSE OF YOUR ENTIRE BODY: Scan your body and allow yourself to gain an overall felt sense of your body. Feel your entire body, then call it "My body". Go to step three.

(3) ASK YOUR BODY IF IT HAS ANY STRONG FEELINGS ITS BEEN AVOIDING: Ask your body if it has any strong feelings it's been avoiding. You might ask your body if it experiences any of the following emotions:

* Do I feel any anger?

* Do I feel any anxiety?

* Do I feel any depression or sadness?

* Do I feel any embarassment?

* Do I feel empty or love hungry?

* Do I feel any envy?

* Do I feel Guilt?

* Do I feel any impatience?

* Do I feel any inferiority?

* Do I feel any jealousy?

* Do I feel any feelings about trauma?

* Do I feel any pressure?

* Do I feel feel any shame?

If the answer is yes, can you fully feel your avoided emotions one at a time without trying to get rid of them or keep them?

Is it important to share what your feeling with another? If so, can I do that shortly?

Does my feeling require me to take action? If so can I do this soon?

The avoided emotions should be felt. You can work with them with an integrator.


Hi,

In couples communications, where passive-aggression is most likely to show up, consider some of the following:

Listening without saying anything save for questions to get a better idea of what's being said. This avoids knee-jerk hostile reactions. Defensiveness hurts long-term relationships.

Communicate when given the opportunity. Don't avoid conflict or emotions if they are there. If avoided, they are more likely to turn into passive-aggressive. Being forthright is important. Withdrawing from conflict is harmful to long-term relationships.

Show a genuine appreciation of partner's willingness to share conflicts and emotions.

No silent treatment or it's opposite venting.

Be wary of the expressions: "Never mind". "No use talking."

Be aware of eachother's boundaries.


Paul Mayer

Hi:

Concealed anger in relationships can be seen in some of the following behaviors:

Tuning out.
Not listening.
Knee jerk arguing.
Workaholism.
Criticizing.
Tardiness.
"forgetting" to do things.
Withholding sex or affection.
Judgementalness.
Coercing.
Nagging.
Procrastination.
Drinking.
Overspending.
Infidelity.
Shaming.
Triangulating.
Silent treatment.
Being overly suspicious.
Being anxious.
Rudeness.
Angry attacks.

To overcome anger in relationships:

Set time aside for mutual problem solving. Commit to resolving specific behavioral problems.

Become aware of ways in which you conceal anger.

Learn how to assert your anger instead of passively-aggress. See the Anger/assertiveness Learn-in.

Stick to one issue at a time.

Forgive. See the Forgiveness Exercise.

Make a practice of expressing affection and being attentive.

Learn to accept differences.


Nina Kanis

Hi,

The keys to passive-aggresiveness are-

1. Recognize passive-aggressive behavior.

2. Bring awareness to any hidden anger.

3. Know what beliefs started your anger behavioral pattern.

4. Integrate or desensitize the anger.

5. Create a new assertive behavior pattern.

6. Practice the new behavior pattern until it feels natural.


Deana

Hi,

Sometimes ADHD (Impulsive) intertwines with passive-aggressiveness. ADHD (Impulsive) can sometimes be mistaken for passive-aggressiveness because both produce similar behaviors. It's also possible that someone with ADHD (Impulsive) may also have hidden anger and passive-aggressiveness. ADHD (Impulsive) suffer from inattention, forgetfulness, procrastination, an inability to read people correctly, carelessness, not seeing future consequences, Low Frustration Tolerance, and other difficulties that passive-aggressives show.

Carol Howell


Hi,

If you are a parent, lover, employer, friend of a PA you can't enable this person. You can't go along with excuses, alibis, outright lies, or denials. You have to point them out without condemning the person. Watch out for trying to be the good person or nice guy. You'll get trampled by a PA. Get out of the approval hunt. If you're trying to avoid conflict and make peace, forget it.
You'll wind up being taken advantage of. Watch out too for being manipulated by guilt tripping.

Call the PA on their behavior. Let them know you know what's going on. Name their specific behavior and let them know you know about it's hostile intent.

James Detweiler


Hi,

Being around a passive-aggresive can run you in frustrating circles because often you feel put down, closed out, dismissed in subtle ways. Sometimes you feel so frustrated you feel like blowing up. This can go in circles because when you explode you become formidible in the PA's eyes. Since the PA already fears you and views you as formidible, they will avoid any direct angry confrontations. Instead you get more passive-aggression. You become increasingly annoyed.
Round and around you go.

Gary Holtzman





Edited by: Emowebby at: 7/8/06 11:32 pm

Bill Soltas
Unregistered User
(7/9/06 6:07 am)
Reply Starting a learn-in on overcoming passive aggressiveness.
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Hi,

In reworking passive aggressiveness it will be helpful to do assertiveness drills for specific areas where passive-aggressiveness happens.

1) Saying no or refusing something with someone important.

2) Risking rejection by asking for something important.

3) Confronting someone about something important to you.


Bill Soltas

Deena
Unregistered User
(7/10/06 6:04 am)
Reply Starting a learn-in on overcoming passive aggressiveness.
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Hi,

Gossip is often a favorite tool of passive aggressives where they can indirectly use their anger on someone through a third party. Frequently P.A.s will distort the truth, lie, embellish minor incidents, become a martyr, or in other ways undermine or discredit the person being talked about. Anyone being gossiped about should directly confront the P.A. doing the gossip. Let them know what they did.

Deena

Ed Boylan
Unregistered User
(7/11/06 1:51 pm)
Reply Starting a learn-in on overcoming passive aggressiveness.
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Hi,

In doesn't help much if you're in a relationship to say: "You're the problem" or "There's something wrong with you". Wiser to point out the results of the problem--how irritated or upset others are. How difficult it is to enjoy times together or how frustrating interactions are.
Calm, assertive confrontations work better than aggressive explosions.

Ed Boylan